Advice about younger brother

MrJester

Brickwall wrote: »

I agree, basically I need to grow a backbone! My daughter goes out of the way when he comes, she's told me that she doesn't like the way he comes here when he feels like, or needs something, she says he uses me, I can't argue with her really.

Deep down I've always felt that the way he goes on isn't normal, whatever normal may be, I can't explain it really but I've never come across anything like it. I have some text messages off him on my phone, they're shocking really, full of abuse, I don't really know why I kept them, I think I kept them because I can't believe anyone would send such disgusting messages, I know he sent them because I've got them, does that make sense?

Brickwall

I'd say definitely keep them if you have this long. Because I feel like if this requires police intervention then they act as well enough proof to justify it.

I'm not surprised your daughter does that, and feels that way. She is right, isn't she?
If not for your own sake, make a change for your family's sake. Your actual family who care and respect you.

This person has issues that I doubt you alone could can cope with trying to fix, and it will take all of your time and energy and with a success rate of 5%. His age, his attitiude, all of it, just a lost cause in my view. I feel horrible saying it, but some people just are and what reason do they give you to keep making the effort for them?

Brickwall

JoeJester wrote: »

I'd say definitely keep them if you have this long. Because I feel like if this requires police intervention then they act as well enough proof to justify it.

I'm not surprised your daughter does that, and feels that way. She is right, isn't she?
If not for your own sake, make a change for your family's sake. Your actual family who care and respect you.

This person has issues that I doubt you alone could can cope with trying to fix, and it will take all of your time and energy and with a success rate of 5%. His age, his attitiude, all of it, just a lost cause in my view. I feel horrible saying it, but some people just are and what reason do they give you to keep making the effort for them?

Yes, my daughter is right.

I remember my dad once saying that he worried about what would happen to my brother once they were gone, thinking about it now, they knew they were feeding the monster.

His behaviour, he anger, his whole attitude towards other people is far from normal. I think as far as him being family goes, he's a lost cause.

MrJester

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

So, you thought yourself better because you're strong?

Good for you. I'm glad it worked, rather than leading you to, say, self harm or worse to try and stop the crippling thoughts.


I can't even begin to react to the 'it's not as if somebody died' comment.

Not better, but with the ability to see myself in a negative position, and wanting to be feel and be better.

pelirocco wrote: »

jojo like you i am amazed , shocked and even saddened by some of the views on here

suicide is the most common death for men under 35
http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/help-information/mental-health-statistics/suicide/

I totally see both of your views likely coming from the point that this is a mental disorder in some form or other, be it anxiety, depression, etc.. but there are genuinely some people who are in a 'slump' and they to a certain extent need to not be cuddled and tip-toed around them, because this does not solve the problem its purely avoiding it.

People around a sufferer have to understand, sympathise to an extent, but not be scared of them or what they might do, they need good solid advice with a gentle push in the correct directions such as seeking pychiatric help and/or medication with proper reasons to be 'moping about'.
Anxiety + moping around/wallowing are two different things, both can infuse the other and so the right balance is required.
Anxiety can be treat with medication but medication doesn't fix the causes of the problem, it numbs you from it, but if you dont take the chance that whilst medication makes you more normal, to then fix the CAUSES then you will always end up back there.

IN SHORT: A person needs a reason to get up every day.

Doesn't matter what, how small or big, just something remotely meaningful, such as a challenge to go outside to the shops and buy the groceries. I've been at that stage, but I always wanted to give myself gentle pushes.

Perhaps some people cant give themself gentle pushes, perhaps. But the world will still see this as moping around. So it is a tricky line, that unfortunately the sufferer has to tackle themselves.

Mojisola

Southernman wrote: »

Now my brother suffers from anxiety amongst other psycho related illnesses (he had a breakdown several years ago and more recently in December got sacked from his job due to too much time off work for illness even though he had a sick note). He is currently unemployed but is on good form now as the medication has stabilised him.

Even with illness, I still think he takes and does not give in return.

He is very immature for his age because my parents have smothered him in love due to illness. He acts like a 16 year old but is capable to assert himself as he has a degree in politics.

JoeJester wrote: »

Anxiety + moping around/wallowing are two different things, both can infuse the other and so the right balance is required.

Anxiety can be treat with medication but medication doesn't fix the causes of the problem, it numbs you from it, but if you dont take the chance that whilst medication makes you more normal, to then fix the CAUSES then you will always end up back there.

Exactly - there is a level of personal responsibility during 'better' times that seems missing from these 'takers'.

Whatever the disorder/illness that someone is struggling with, there will be some better moments - how hard would it be to thank the people who are sticking with them despite the problems during those times or to see if there's anything they can do in return within the limits of their disability?

It doesn't take much for family and friends to feel appreciated.

misspickle_2

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

So, you thought yourself better because you're strong?

Good for you. I'm glad it worked, rather than leading you to, say, self harm or worse to try and stop the crippling thoughts.


I can't even begin to react to the 'it's not as if somebody died' comment.

Your a projector JoJo. Everything is about you and you project your "woe is me"
over everybody else.

You don't know the first thing about me. There's a reason for that! Some of us just get on with it. Regardless of labels.

Poppops

OP I sympathise

My mother did exactly the same to us girls. As unbelieveable as it seems when I think about it now, we used to ask her if she loved our brother best, and she would say yes :eek:

She is currently repeating the whole thing with one of her grandchildren.

My brother is now an aggressive, abusive person who I haven't spoken to for almost 4 years and have no intention of doing so again. I'm not suggesting you do this, but am merely illustrating how damaging it can be when one child is elevated above others. I remember my sister being told she couldn't have a dress for her leaver's disco (probably now called a prom) as brother was going on a trip to France with schoolfriends and all available money was going his way.

Strangely, we weren't bitter:it was just normal.

I have to say though, I'm not sure anxiety and Glastonbury are good bed fellows. I hope it isn't spoiled for you

Andypandyboy

misspickle wrote: »

Your a projector JoJo. Everything is about you and you project your "woe is me"
over everybody else.

You don't know the first thing about me. There's a reason for that! Some of us just get on with it. Regardless of labels.

With respect, you don't seem to know much about MH issues, or if you do it is from a personal perspective, which is not a holisitic viewpoint. Just because one person reacts by "pulling themselves from the depths" at any given point does not mean everyone can. It is an illness, people get better at different rates.

You can't know much about JoJo either so it is strange you feel confident to make such an assessment.

System

Got to love the "i pulled myself together so, so can everyone else" attitude.

I could easily do the same now i'm more or less stable and am working again, but i won't because it took 3 1/2 years to even get to that point and everyday was a struggle so i'm not going to judge someone else for needing time to recover.

Andypandyboy

My opinion is that people recover from illness (be it physical or mental) at dfferent rates, by different means. So no one can say that anyone should be over x or y by a set time.

I am not sure how you can disagree with that!

jaylee3

I have to say that anxiety can manifest itself in strange and unusual ways, and for some people, it can have a profound affect on their life. And yes indeed, the suicide rate is quite high in men under 35.

However, there is also the other side to this. There are some people (and a few posters have mentioned they know someone like this,) who will just take the pee. If people enable them, they will let them wait on them hand and foot, living rent-free, with no job, bringing in no income, and will use anxiety and mental health issues as an excuse.

I am not for one second suggesting everyone in this position is 'faking it,' and that it's not possible for a mental health issue to stop someone having a normal life, and working etc, but you need to ensure that the person in question (in this case the OP's brother) is not simply taking the mick and exaggerating his condition.

I do actually know of several people who have continually used people and took the pee for many years, running their parents (or other loved one) into the ground with getting them to do everything for them, whilst giving nothing back.

Someone put a post on here the other week, about someone she knew who could not, would not and did not do a THING for herself, not even change a lightbulb, and managed to convince others to continually do every last thing for her. She literally had people running around in circles, waiting on her hand and foot, like she was Royalty. Turned out there was nothing wrong with her, but she had some pretty convincing sob stories, and eventually became incredibly dependant on people.

Question is, what if these people were to lose the people who are waiting on them hand and foot and 'enabling' them? They would have to cope then! One woman I know had an 'anxiety issue' for 12-13 years, and lived rent-free with no job at her parents from 27 y.o. (when her boyfriend of 10 years left her,) to 40 y.o. when her parents died close together. A few months later, I saw her, and she had a job, her own flat, and was driving herself about.

Why could she not have done this for those 12-13 years? Instead of living rent free with no job, treating her parents like servants, cooks, and maids, and as her personal chauffeur for all that time?

I am not belittling genuine anxiety issues at all: but you have to try and differentiate between people who are genuinely mentally ill, and people who have just become very dependant on people, and are using their 'condition' as a crutch, to enable them to have someone do everything for them. Some people will let you do everything for them, forevermore, if you allow them to.

Question is OP, is which category does your brother fall into?