Advice about younger brother

Brickwall

I sympathise with you. I have an older brother that my parents treat like this, he would come in from work, meals on the table, bath filled, shoes all polished. When he got his own place he moved a staggering next door away! They've supported him financially, he's emptied their freezer before for his girlfriend and kids. When he worked night shift he slept in their house, mum would take the phone off the hook so he wouldn't be distributed by it, you weren't allowed to run the water in case it woke him, and God help you if you actually went as far as flushing the loo! All the time he supposedly lived on his own he never cooked a single meal in his own house!

He has a serious anger management problem, mobile phones have gone up the garden, watches and even a freeview box went that way. The smoke alarm had the cheek to go off so he smashed it off the ceiling, an outside light wouldn't turn off so he smashed that off the wall, he's broke pictures on the wall, I gave him a £90 phone because he didn't have one, during an argument with his girlfriend he threw it off the wall. He's so disrespectful it's unbelievable, when dad was dying he was supposed to pay dads rent for him, I got a call from his sheltered accommodation office to say he was in arrears, I asked them not to let dad know and I paid it. The last nine months of dads life my brother never went to see him, even tho my dad had given him hundreds over the years that never got paid back, he never went because he had had a fall out with mum. He threw a cup through the window, from the garden into the house after arguing with mum, I remember her ringing me and dashing round to find her covered in glass with blood streaming down her face. I can't forget or forgive the way he treat our parents, I try but I just can't.

Now, both our parents are no longer here and I'm left to try and cope with him, the way he flies off the handle is actually quite frightening if I'm honest, in the past I've given in to try and aviod this happening. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, be there for your brother but make him grow up, he's young, my brother is now 54 and he's no better than he was when he was young and you don't want to be left coping with him when your parents are no longer here.

Brickwall

MrJester

Southernman wrote: »

My parents insist that I get him involved. Only the other day did I get a message off his friend asking if he was OK as he hadn't responded to messages

January20 wrote: »

Well, you must resist your parents' demand and the sooner the better! You are not your brother's keeper!
Your parents are doing neither you nor your brother any favours!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Definitely doesn't sound as though he's as well as you think.

As an anxiety sufferer, perhaps I can weigh in.

Although I am and have been an anxiety sufferer (I am mostly cured of it nowadays, but was consistently ill for a year), I do still have an attitude of no messing about, you get out of life what you put in, etc, which somewhat contradicts the expected traits of an anxiety sufferer.

But it's important to remember that these are two different things. Personality and an illness. That different.
My personality is mostly confident and outgoing with a positive attitude, whereas my illness completely stripped that away from me for quite some time.

Now, having said that I was in a part of time where I was able to spend a lot of time indoors by myself (student) which wasn't all that helpful to the illness, and its a similar situation with your brother being unemployed and just doing not much indoors.

I always wanted to be cured of it, and my proactive attitude was what helped me to help myself. I cured myself through aggressive research and trying out different methods. A weaker person might not have been able to cure themselves of this mental disorder within a year like I did. (I use 'cure' loosely, you're never cured)

I have an older brother that often has gone into depressive bouts, due to being unemployed and having no aims in life. I always have an aim, something to work or fight for until I get it, then I move onto something else.
Some people who have their bums wiped for too long a period, say throughout early years, they get too used to it and rely on it, and those people around them DO IT, because they refuse to do it for themselves.
They don't understand they are doing it, and other people like particularly the mother (+parents +siblings) feel that it is their problem to try and bring them out of their slump. But you don't do anything but help them drop further into a slump, its like trying to tell someone not to love someone. It's not possible.

If I were you op, I would myself gradually decrease my interaction with this sibling unless they are showing signs of recourse, and if your parents or this particular sibling question you, you say you have your own life to worry about than someone elses who has no intentions of helping themselves, or YOU or your parent.

I personally do this based on the grounds of if my siblings are good to my mother then I have time for them, they dont have to make a huge effort with me im not bothered i have my own things and so should they. But your mother does everything they can for you and there is no excuse to take them for granted. Based on that I tell my mother that I am not going to help my particular bum wiped sibling unless they help themselves.

They have to probably hit rock bottom to change. My sibling hasnt changed because my mother always steps in to save them. ALOT of money, and alot of wasted time and energy. Don't let this be you or your parents. Your parents deserve better.

Be there for your sibling when they need support and positivity. But beyond that there isn't a whole lot anything of you can do other than a HUGE intervention.

misspickle_2

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Anxiety isn't wallowing - I only wish I weren't talking from experience.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/13/mental-illness-physical-i_n_6145156.html

This is really worth a read.

HBS x

Your right! Wallowing is just wallowing.

And I also wish I wasn't talking from experience. Just like you

atolaas

I don't think the is a "cure" for anxiety, but establishing coping mechanisms and medication can certainly be of help...in my experience. OP, has your brother been offered any help, other than medication?

misspickle_2

Brickwall wrote: »

I sympathise with you. I have an older brother that my parents treat like this, he would come in from work, meals on the table, bath filled, shoes all polished. When he got his own place he moved a staggering next door away! They've supported him financially, he's emptied their freezer before for his girlfriend and kids. When he worked night shift he slept in their house, mum would take the phone off the hook so he wouldn't be distributed by it, you weren't allowed to run the water in case it woke him, and God help you if you actually went as far as flushing the loo! All the time he supposedly lived on his own he never cooked a single meal in his own house!

He has a serious anger management problem, mobile phones have gone up the garden, watches and even a freeview box went that way. The smoke alarm had the cheek to go off so he smashed it off the ceiling, an outside light wouldn't turn off so he smashed that off the wall, he's broke pictures on the wall, I gave him a £90 phone because he didn't have one, during an argument with his girlfriend he threw it off the wall. He's so disrespectful it's unbelievable, when dad was dying he was supposed to pay dads rent for him, I got a call from his sheltered accommodation office to say he was in arrears, I asked them not to let dad know and I paid it. The last nine months of dads life my brother never went to see him, even tho my dad had given him hundreds over the years
that never got paid back, he never went because he had had a fall out with mum. He threw a cup through the window, from the garden into the house after arguing with mum, I remember her ringing me and dashing round to find her covered in glass with blood streaming down her face. I can't forget or forgive the way he treat our parents, I try but I just can't.

Now, both our parents are no longer here and I'm left to try and cope with him, the way he flies off the handle is actually quite frightening if I'm honest, in the past I've given in to try and aviod this happening. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, be there for your
brother but make him grow up, he's young, my brother is now 54 and he's no better than he was when he was young and you don't want to be left coping with him when your parents are no longer here.

Brickwall

Oh god brick wall! Sounds horrendous
He has made your life a complete nightmare by the sounds of it.
You must be a very good sister. I would have left long ago.
There is nothing that would make me feel responsible for anyone in that way.
I worry about me sometimes. I lack the need to feel tied. Maybe I'm a selfish cretin :eek:
I ask for nothing in return though
I don't like to be in anybody's debt

misspickle_2

Great post joejester :T
You sound lovely to me

Brickwall

I never visit my brother, he turns up here at least once a week, I feel totally drained when he's gone, I usually get a text message saying to put the kettle on he'll be five minutes, if I say I'm not in I get a load of abuse off him.

It's the way he treat our parents that I seem to struggle with the most, I know it's not healthy for my own well being but I can't seem to get over that one big stumbling block.

Sometimes I look at how small our family has become over the years and think at least I have a brother, other times I think my life would be so much simpler if he left me alone.

Brickwall

Mojisola

Brickwall wrote: »

I never visit my brother, he turns up here at least once a week, I feel totally drained when he's gone, I usually get a text message saying to put the kettle on he'll be five minutes, if I say I'm not in I get a load of abuse off him.

It's the way he treat our parents that I seem to struggle with the most, I know it's not healthy for my own well being but I can't seem to get over that one big stumbling block.

Sometimes I look at how small our family has become over the years and think at least I have a brother, other times I think my life would be so much simpler if he left me alone.

Your parents are creating a monster.

Brickwall

Mojisola wrote: »

Your parents are creating a monster.

Our parents are no longer here, I've been left holding the monster.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

JoeJester wrote: »

As an anxiety sufferer, perhaps I can weigh in.

Although I am and have been an anxiety sufferer (I am mostly cured of it nowadays, but was consistently ill for a year), I do still have an attitude of no messing about, you get out of life what you put in, etc, which somewhat contradicts the expected traits of an anxiety sufferer.

But it's important to remember that these are two different things. Personality and an illness. That different.
My personality is mostly confident and outgoing with a positive attitude, whereas my illness completely stripped that away from me for quite some time.

Now, having said that I was in a part of time where I was able to spend a lot of time indoors by myself (student) which wasn't all that helpful to the illness, and its a similar situation with your brother being unemployed and just doing not much indoors.

I always wanted to be cured of it, and my proactive attitude was what helped me to help myself. I cured myself through aggressive research and trying out different methods. A weaker person might not have been able to cure themselves of this mental disorder within a year like I did. (I use 'cure' loosely, you're never cured)

I have an older brother that often has gone into depressive bouts, due to being unemployed and having no aims in life. I always have an aim, something to work or fight for until I get it, then I move onto something else.
Some people who have their bums wiped for too long a period, say throughout early years, they get too used to it and rely on it, and those people around them DO IT, because they refuse to do it for themselves.
They don't understand they are doing it, and other people like particularly the mother (+parents +siblings) feel that it is their problem to try and bring them out of their slump. But you don't do anything but help them drop further into a slump, its like trying to tell someone not to love someone. It's not possible.

If I were you op, I would myself gradually decrease my interaction with this sibling unless they are showing signs of recourse, and if your parents or this particular sibling question you, you say you have your own life to worry about than someone elses who has no intentions of helping themselves, or YOU or your parent.

I personally do this based on the grounds of if my siblings are good to my mother then I have time for them, they dont have to make a huge effort with me im not bothered i have my own things and so should they. But your mother does everything they can for you and there is no excuse to take them for granted. Based on that I tell my mother that I am not going to help my particular bum wiped sibling unless they help themselves.

They have to probably hit rock bottom to change. My sibling hasnt changed because my mother always steps in to save them. ALOT of money, and alot of wasted time and energy. Don't let this be you or your parents. Your parents deserve better.

Be there for your sibling when they need support and positivity. But beyond that there isn't a whole lot anything of you can do other than a HUGE intervention.

So, you thought yourself better because you're strong?

Good for you. I'm glad it worked, rather than leading you to, say, self harm or worse to try and stop the crippling thoughts.


I can't even begin to react to the 'it's not as if somebody died' comment.