Advice about younger brother

Southernman

I have a younger brother (22) and I would like some opinions from people who aren't emotionally involved.

Younger brother has always lived at home and doesn't pay rent, gets taxi serviced everywhere and is smothered by love from my parents. As an older sister I have been told to actively go out of my way to help him as he is blood. I regularly invite him out to parties I hold, invite him to the theatre, even arranging for him to go to Glastonbury with me etc.

Now my brother suffers from anxiety amongst other psycho related illnesses (he had a breakdown several years ago and more recently in December got sacked from his job due to too much time off work for illness even though he had a sick note). He is currently unemployed but is on good form now as the medication has stabilised him.

Even with illness, I still think he takes and does not give in return. Today I asked if he would stay at my boyfriend's during the day because a freezer needs to be delivered and arranged to have a boiler serviced on the same day (2 birds with one stone as the boiler is leaking and is very temperamental with hot water).

He said he couldn't as he was busy and just will not help the one time I could do with the assistance. He is not busy other than on FB he just can't be bothered putting himself out.

Now I feel so angry because I help him and try and include him so much but he won't even do one thing for me. Bearing in mind he has been ill should I be more considerate?

He is very immature for his age because my parents have smothered him in love due to illness. He acts like a 16 year old but is capable to assert himself as he has a degree in politics.

As the older sister who has lived independantly and bought my own place at 21 I don't know if I need to give him a dose of reality or due to his illness accept that he won't make sacrifices for me.

I'd love to know what an outsider's view is on the whole situation because i'm not sure if I should be more understanding?

bellaboo86

It does sound like your brother has had a few problems however I don't see why he couldn't help you on out on this occasion. Did you ask your brother if he would be available before you booked the tradesman? Can he get to your boyfriends place? You said your parents gave him lifts. Can he drive? Would you have given him the bus fare?

browneyedbazzi

Could I ask for a little clarification - did you ask him to come and sit in on the same day you made the request or was your request made today for him to come another day?

Southernman

Just to clarify nothing has been booked as yet. I asked him first and he said he was busy all week. I said that we could arrange for a day he wasn't busy and he responded with 'excuse me?' and has since switched his phone off.

My suggestion was to either get a lift with my dad and my boyfriend would pick him up from the station (and provide him with television, xbox, food etc and cook him tea in the evening to say thank you) or alternatively meet me after work and we would travel together after work

No he doesn't drive. He will drive when he needs to. Currently no licence and my dad drives him around everywhere anyway.

anotheruser

My opinion won't be popular.

He, like others I know, may put their "disability" in the way of being a responsible human being. There are some who have psychological problems that simply don't want to get better. "Let's accept them for whom they are" you may say but that isn't going to help anyone with anything.

It sounds like your brother just wants to, as you say, take and not give. No doubt he will use his condition as an excuse.

While he is your brother, you need to stand up on your own two feet now and get on with your life. When your parents are no longer able to pander to his every need, only then will he start to realise, and I suspect blame you for what will happen.

You can be family, but hold him at arms length if I were you.
And stop inviting him to everything you do. You're your own person now - get on with your own life.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I wouldn't want to stay in somebody else's house all day, someone my sibling doesnt even live with by the sounds of it, waiting for somebody who might turn up. As the boiler has faults, servicing doesn't sound appropriate anyway - he could easily be afraid your boyfriend will be hit with a huge bill and he will be blamed.

Going by previous deliveries to my house, will you be picking him up ready for 7am?


It's your boyfriend's job to sort that all out, which doesn't mean spotting the nervous one in the background and saying 'you'll do. You've got nothing better to do, whilst we have'

Anxiety can be crippling. He only lost his job about six weeks ago, so can't be that stabilised.

browneyedbazzi

Thank you for the clarification - if you had asked this morning for him to come today I would have been a bit more understanding of his saying no, but as you've offered to arrange it for a day that suits him and to pick him up, feed him etc I think he's being a bit of a d*ck.

Perhaps he's too used to being pandered to and doesn't understand that relationships (even in families) are give and take. I'd also wonder if being pandered to for a long time means that he thinks his mental illness is a catch all excuse for any behaviour. I don't think playing to that is doing him any favours.

My nephew has been treated in a similar fashion since he was diagnosed with an illness as a child and he's grown up to be selfish, aimless, barely educated and unemployed with no prospect of things improving - one day my parents (who have supported and spoiled him) won't be around and he'll have a heck of a shock when he has to make his own way in the world.

I'd tell him 'if you can't do a small thing to help me, don't expect my help next time you need/want something' and stick to it!

January20

anotheruser wrote: »

My opinion won't be popular.

He, like others I know, may put their "disability" in the way of being a responsible human being. There are some who have psychological problems that simply don't want to get better. "Let's accept them for whom they are" you may say but that isn't going to help anyone with anything.

It sounds like your brother just wants to, as you say, take and not give. No doubt he will use his condition as an excuse.

While he is your brother, you need to stand up on your own two feet now and get on with your life. When your parents are no longer able to pander to his every need, only then will he start to realise, and I suspect blame you for what will happen.

You can be family, but hold him at arms length if I were you.
And stop inviting him to everything you do. You're your own person now - get on with your own life.

I completely agree with the bits I put in bold above. Pressure from parents on an older sibling to look after a younger sibling can be tremendous. As an example, from my parents point of view, I should have bent over backwards to have a relationship with my sister when she stopped talking to me because I was the eldest. We were in our 40s at the time! So, this is good advice: stop pandering to your parents' demands to look after your brother and keep him at arms length. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and say no - he's not afraid to!

As for the point about staying in a person's house waiting for a delivery/ a repair man:

1. When somebody does a lot for you, you reciprocate if you can and put yourself out occasionally to help them in return. Getting ready for 7 am is good practice for when in a job. no?

2. With mobile phones it is easy to stay in touch with a person and contact them if a decision needs to be made about repairs and the cost of repairs.

I haven't commented on the psychological issue because there is too little info and every patient is different!

Southernman

My parents insist that I get him involved. Only the other day did I get a message off his friend asking if he was OK as he hadn't responded to messages

January20

Southernman wrote: »

My parents insist that I get him involved. Only the other day did I get a message off his friend asking if he was OK as he hadn't responded to messages

Well, you must resist your parents' demand and the sooner the better! You are not your brother's keeper!
Your parents are doing neither you nor your brother any favours!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

January20 wrote: »

I completely agree with the bits I put in bold above. Pressure from parents on an older sibling to look after a younger sibling can be tremendous. As an example, from my parents point of view, I should have bent over backwards to have a relationship with my sister when she stopped talking to me because I was the eldest. We were in our 40s at the time! So, this is good advice: stop pandering to your parents' demands to look after your brother and keep him at arms length. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and say no - he's not afraid to!

As for the point about staying in a person's house waiting for a delivery/ a repair man:

1. When somebody does a lot for you, you reciprocate if you can and put yourself out occasionally to help them in return. Getting ready for 7 am is good practice for when in a job. no?

2. With mobile phones it is easy to stay in touch with a person and contact them if a decision needs to be made about repairs and the cost of repairs.

I haven't commented on the psychological issue because there is too little info and every patient is different!

Logical though that seems, anxiety can make even simple things impossible. And being told to help someone else probably led to turning off the mobile rather than be contacted again about it. If you use the 'blood' argument, it's not even a relative he's being told to help. His sister doesn't seem to like him much, either, so thats another valid reason to say no.

If he's only just lost his job due to being unwell, the getting up at 7am to prepare for a job seems irrelevant. He's been working, he was too ill to do it, six weeks or so isn't long enough for everything to be fine and dandy again.

He was 'asked' (told it was all arranged and he would do it?), he said he was busy - a polite way of saying no, he didnt want to/found the idea too overwhelming - but was told it would be rearranged so that he had no way of refusing. If the boyfriend can rearrange it for that purpose, he's perfectly capable of rearranging it for when he is there.


Anxiety can make a letter coming through the door horrible, or a text message or phone call too much to deal with. Or leaving the house, whether with somebody who is absolutely trusted or not. Never mind being expected to do something that could easily cause enormous stress with the undercurrent of not being believed and owing it because of things done years ago needing to be repaid.


He said no. So rebook it.