The guilt of making your kids revise

onomatopoeia99

j.e.j. wrote: »

With the benefit of old age I have to say, too, that exams are pretty worthless in terms of life skills. You cram cram cram, then regurgitate what you've learnt, parrot-fashion, in an exam, get the A grade and the promptly forget whatever it was you spent so long swotting up on.

You cannot "parrot" mathematics, physics or (to a lesser extent at O level / GCSE, as there was quite a lot of stuff to remember come exam time) chemistry.

You have to understand principles and then know how and when to apply them.

Yes if you don't use a skill it will fade from memory. I've certainly forgotten almost all of my O level French, although it comes back occasionally when I don't want it in my Italian evening class. Had I gone into engineering rather than computing following my engineering degree I'd surely remember a lot more of the maths and physics than I do through regular use, but a lot of it is still there and helps me understand stuff and solve problems.

arbrighton

marisco wrote: »

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to completely step back and let her organise her own timetable and how she approaches her revision. At some point we all have to realise that the only way to succeed in life, is to focus on what we want, organise ourselves and be prepared to put in the hard graft to achieve. If she wants to reach her potential and go after her dream she will knuckle down and get on with it. If it all doesn't mean that much to her she wont and if she ends up regretting it then it will be a valuable lesson learnt.

Only offer encouragement.

misspickle wrote: »

I do get where your coming from but I disagree that you should step back and leave them to their own devices during such an important year.
A lot of support and encouragement and help is needed at this crucial time I think.

I've learnt many a valuable lesson due to my mothers take on things. Non of which were good or helpful.
Yes I found the right path, but I can assure you it was no thanks to my mother or tough love etc
Teenagers don't tend to "focus" without a whole host of love and encouragement backing them up.

Make sure your daughter is active in planning her revision and actually getting on with it, trying to develop her own motivation and focus that will carry her through in the years ahead.

Also, make sure the timetable is realistic and does allow time for relaxation and recovery for the intense months ahead. It is only February, there are four months until she will finish and she needs to recharge her batteries now (and over the Easter break too). Is the timetable about the hours in the day or more specific subjects/ topics.

If she is bright, it may be more confidence than actually needing to learn things.

Also, in most schools, by this point in year 11, the syllabus is virtually finished and they'll be revising in lessons as well, completing past papers etc. The risk of overload, boredom or frustration is probably pretty high. This may be the last chance for her to have some free time, and if she's anything like me, she might be feeling guilty for not doing 'something' for every waking hour

onomatopoeia99

Jagraf wrote: »

Why do I feel guilty then? She's walking round looking miserable and I feel like the witch from hell.

I don't know why you feel guilty - you want the best for your child and you understand how important this time is for her. Your daughter has set a very ambitious goal for herself, which if she is to achieve it is going to need this level of study, revision and general hard work for best part of a decade. The way you describe her, it appears she is fully aware of this. She knows she has to work, you know she has to work. If she doesn't accept within herself that she can't just have a good time all the time she's never going to succeeed - ultimately she has to do this for herself, not for you or the teachers or anyone else and no-one else can make her realise that if she doesn't already.

If she's as serious about it as she sounds, she will get on with the revision without prompting and find after a day or two she'll take it in her stride. Only you know your daughter, but do you think it necessary to organise her revision for her, rather than letting her plan it herself? I'd have been seriously put out if my parents had tried to interfere in my O level revision planning. Certainly make sure she's actually doing the hours of revision each day and covering all the subjects, at least once the winter term finishes and the Easter holiday begins, but I know I wanted my parents to be as "hands off" about my school work as possible by the time it got to the O levels (30 years ago :eek: ).

DigForVictory

The good news? Feeling like hell as your children go up against the academic meat grinder for the first time is absolutely normal. Deeply unpleasant but both you & your daughter seem to be applying intelligence to the tasks in hand. So amidst the schedules and swearing, plan *fun*.

+1 for keep putting real mealtimes & bedtimes high on your priorities list too.
Less Fb in the room where she's studying, controlled phone but if she's serious about medicine, she's up against some of the most hyper prepared pupils, and while good GCSEs will be important, they'll also be assumed. Which is why a lot of medics can diagnose & fix problems but are appalling at personal relations - no one is teaching them to be nice human beings.
So yes, the "extra" things - volunteering with the sick & disabled & children & the like do all help get into medical school but they also make her a more interesting person, with things of her own to say and altogether more fun to be around.

Guilt is part of the parenting lark. So is love & support & encouraging the lass to remember the quote from Harvey "I've tried being smart & I've tried being nice & on the whole, I prefer nice"...

I hope it all works out for you both & wish you all luck but above all a loving relationship no matter what she does!

Alchemilla

Mojisola wrote: »

Maybe she's feeling guilty because of people saying things like this above.

Why should a mother feel guilty just because she's a mother?

I am not saying she SHOULD. Just that we so often do. IRATIONALLY.

FBaby

Is you DD really totally motivated to do Medicine or is it just something she likes to do? Is she actually reading about medicine, showing an interest in medical topic that come up on the news, does she asks people about their ailments etc...

Medicine is very tough, only 10% of applicants at best will get in, and all these applicants will have had top 'A' levels, let alone GCSEs. If she is already finding it difficult to get motivated to study for these, is she really up for studying medicine?

She still has plenty of time to decide, so I wouldn't worry too much about it, but she needs to realise that she must enjoys studying and revising if she really wants to take that route.

Hence feeling guilty having no place here at all. She needs to get on with it, with your help in terms of organising skills if required, but motivation wise, she should be ok and probably will be. Also, don't forget that different people revise differently and some do great or even much better giving it all at the last minute that starting slowly at a time when exams still feel like a far away event.

Mojisola

Alchemilla wrote: »

I am not saying she SHOULD. Just that we so often do. IRATIONALLY.

I never have understood why and it's one of those things that gets repeated and passed on. Perhaps if new Mums weren't told that they will feel guilty, they won't.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

From working in a school, I've seen the level of pressure that *some* staff put on kids. Not just for their own good, but because it makes the school, department and individual staff member look good (and is very handy for negotiating during appraisals).

When you get kids told they must be there by 8am, miss break, miss lunch, stay late and then work half the night, or their life will be forever ruined, plus work 15-18 hours a day all weekend and holidays, it's no wonder there is an increase in self harm, depression and other problems now.

Ensuring she has time off for her own sanity, eats healthily and doesn't see this as her only chance of success ever, as though three weeks in May this year are the only ones in 76 years that ever matter, is more helpful than you realise.


I read a missive from senior management two weeks ago that exhorted the virtues of a student trained to not eat, sleep or speak for weeks in favour of study. Obviously, that staff member never has to deal with kids too stressed to eat and then fainting in class - a daily occurrence, sadly.

A_Phoenix_of_Tangerine

When I was at school studying for my GCSEs, my father made a promise to me that with each GCSE I passed he would give me X amount of money as a reward. An A* grade would warrant the highest reward, whilst the value for each lesser grade would be lower.

Rather than feeling browbeaten by my parents into revising, or feeling demotivated and overwhelmed, the challenge of this incentive really spurred me on. I ended up with a majority of A/A*s, along with a bit of spending money to enjoy that last Summer holiday before college.

I know that kids should revise hard for the reward of the grades alone -and that also, not every family has cash spare to do something similar- but a bit of incentivising can make the situation easier on all sides!

fluffnutter

Mojisola wrote: »

I never have understood why and it's one of those things that gets repeated and passed on. Perhaps if new Mums weren't told that they will feel guilty, they won't.

Do you have children? I've never met a parent who says they've never feel guilt. You feel guilty that you're not doing it right, that you're failing your child. It's a natural element of such a huge responsibility. If you don't ever feel guilty, then that either suggests you're a parent like the world has never seen before, one whose every action is perfect, or you just think you are.