The guilt of making your kids revise

FBaby

I've never met a parent who says they've never feel guilt.

I think I can say that I've never felt guit towards my children, not because I am perfect, far from it, but because I believe that aiming for being the perfect parent doesn't make for the happiest children, let alone the happiest adults. I do try to be a good mum, but when I don't do so well, I explain to my kids why I am limited in doing so. I strongly believe that the more I support my children to become independent beings, the more I am being a good mum, even though that often means going again my maternal instincts to protect them.

fluffnutter

I've felt guilty three times this morning all ready. I've lied (twice) and I've ignored the boy's requests for me to get his train set out because I was reading something on here.

Perhaps I need to sit him down to explain exactly why my parenting has fallen short of my exemplary standards or perhaps I just need to suck it up a bit. Not sure that a two year really gets the concept of 'limited' parenting. Every parent feels guilty. If you don't you're just in a smug haze.

Alchemilla

Mojisola wrote: »

I never have understood why and it's one of those things that gets repeated and passed on. Perhaps if new Mums weren't told that they will feel guilty, they won't.

If I thought that never mentioning guilt would prevent new Mums in my circle feeling guilt then of course I should never mention it again.

Actually though I think when people talk about it its to make people feel better about the guilt they are already experiencing, less alone perhaps.

I am going to blame the media for the guilt just as someone up-thread is blaming teachers for the need students have to prepare properly for exams!

Jagraf

Thank you so much for all of your comments.

The guilty bit is watching your kids suffer, naturally wanting to make it all better, but knowing full well you can't make it go away as this is part of natural development, but I think you can try to make it a bit easier and give your support. I don't want to pull away completely, maybe because that was my experience with my parents (love them as I do) and I did really badly and played catch up for years and years. I don't want to helicopter parent but I want to be on hand.

We timetabled together and built in free evenings and a shopping day as DD has vouchers left over from christmas. She's much more in the zone now and I won't need to do much except offer the support she asks for.

As far as medicine is concerned she knows how hard its going to be and does take a genuine interest. I just also know that boys are on the agenda so whether she will be able to manage it all we shall see, a good pre-test into her motivation levels!

sooty&sweep

Hi

At 15 you can't "make" your daughter do anything. If she doesn't want to do something then she'll find a way not to.

What you can do is support & encourage her to do her best to achieve her best.

Remind her how good she'll feel when it's done & she can look back knowing she's tried her hardest. Maybe also plan some treats to look forward to during & after its all over.

Jen

Mojisola

fluffnutter wrote: »

Do you have children? I've never met a parent who says they've never feel guilt. You feel guilty that you're not doing it right, that you're failing your child. It's a natural element of such a huge responsibility.

If you don't ever feel guilty, then that either suggests you're a parent like the world has never seen before, one whose every action is perfect, or you just think you are.

Quite the opposite. I live my life doing the best I can in the circumstances I'm in - if anyone wants to try to make me feel guilty for doing my best, they're welcome to try.

Mojisola

sooty&sweep wrote: »

What you can do is support & encourage her to do her best to achieve her best.

Remind her how good she'll feel when it's done & she can look back knowing she's tried her hardest.

Mojisola wrote: »

Quite the opposite. I live my life doing the best I can in the circumstances I'm in - if anyone wants to try to make me feel guilty for doing my best, they're welcome to try.

Just like S&S says - there's no point teaching your children this if you don't live by it yourself.

DigForVictory

Guilt is entirely part of being a parent.
Says a mother of three, who still gets shaken around by doubt & anxiety even with three raucous healthy largely cheerful young louts looking at me baffled - they know they're fine (hey, Lords of Creation! Male modesty is a wonderful thing), what am I twittering about?!

Guilt is my old pal. I tried to get a grip on whether or not you should drink tea & coffee in pregnancy. As usual, not at all, in moderation? There was research supporting all possibles, so no matter what I did, I was wrong - to someone.

It's all about choices & coping with folks' responses to them. I ended up with opinions, based on ignorance, hasty research where possible & hunch (default settings that actually serve me blinking well as a parent!)

I'm all for "doing your best", but no matter how confident I may feel about one thing, I'll be vulnerable somewhere else. Which means if anyone wants to make me feel guilty for doing my best? May succeed. Possibly not to their face, but in the solitary cold dark moments of wondering?

Doing your best is a blinking birthday candle in the tornado. You get to the eye, you can hold & cherish that light. Just getting there & holding that balance?

Ah, parenting. Best job in the world. We get it even part-way right, we raise cheerful, robust, realistic individuals in whom we can take delight. The journey there? Is mined...