bit upset by MIL's careless comment

Grimbal

Hubby is not well at the moment, he has a lung infection. MIL calls up and whilst chatting, asks "so is (me) looking after you, or are you having to look after yourself?"


I am a little upset at the implication that I wouldn't be looking after my sick husband. It feels like there was always a question about whether I was capable, or indeed wanted to, look after him.


Would you be a little disgruntled by that comment too?

A_Phoenix_of_Tangerine

It depends on the context of your daily routine, I think! Could the question have been prompted from the uncertainty of you spending long hours at work, for instance?

Grimbal

A_Phoenix_of_Tangerine wrote: »

It depends on the context of your daily routine, I think! Could the question have been prompted from the uncertainty of you spending long hours at work, for instance?

A good point, I should have mentioned I'm at home now after leaving my job last year. So, no reason to think that I wouldn't be caring for him other than laziness/uncaring etc. I'm still reeling from the thought that I would ever leave my sick hubby to fend for himself !

Hermia

Grimbal wrote: »

A good point, I should have mentioned I'm at home now after leaving my job last year. So, no reason to think that I wouldn't be caring for him other than laziness/uncaring etc. I'm still reeling from the thought that I would ever leave my sick hubby to fend for himself !

Does your MIL have a more old-fashioned view of relationships whilst you and your OH have a more modern relationship? I have met quite a few older women who think any DIL who doesn't wait hand and foot on their son is a neglectful wife. Even if the son explains that he doesn't want that sort of relationship it doesn't change the mother's opinion. Has she ever given the impression that she thinks you should not be working/be a more traditional wife? I wonder if her remark could stem from that.

good_advice

A real clanger! change the subject quick!
Sometimes people say things that they later regret.
As a wife, we have to put up with comments sometimes (me too!)
I just get told to be quiet! Don't say anything.....

clarryd

Grimbal wrote: »

Hubby is not well at the moment, he has a lung infection. MIL calls up and whilst chatting, asks "so is (me) looking after you, or are you having to look after yourself?"


I am a little upset at the implication that I wouldn't be looking after my sick husband. It feels like there was always a question about whether I was capable, or indeed wanted to, look after him.


Would you be a little disgruntled by that comment too?

This would be normal practice for my MIL to say, actually this would have been very mild compared to her normal comments.

Just ignore her and carry on doing what you are doing she just wants to feel helpful and probably thinks no one can look after her little boy as good as her.

Grimbal

I wouldn't have necessarily said she was old fashioned, but maybe she is more than I had considered. She's mid sixties, we're early forties, so it could be a generational thing. I just can't shake off the upset that she would think that I could be so callous as to leave hubby uncared for when ill. He's a great guy when well, and even though I'm at home 24/7, still does his share. When ill though, I've taken everything on and it hurts when she implied that i wasn't looking after him !

Spendless

To throw in a different perspective, perhaps his Mum feels a bit helpless in the situation and is wanting (or suggesting) to step in herself.

That was the case with my MIL, when my husband had an op. He was incredibly 'demanding' (it was for Cancer though caught early on) on being discharged and one day when I'd spent the whole day running round after him, including running his bath and he was still irritable, I ended up snapping at him.

The following day he rang his Mum and she came to 'nurse' him. It suited us fine, he got the attention he wanted, that I couldn't give whilst trying to juggle college and 2 young kids, his Mum felt she could do something and I was happy with the situation.

Grimbal

clarryd wrote: »

This would be normal practice for my MIL to say, actually this would have been very mild compared to her normal comments.

Just ignore her and carry on doing what you are doing she just wants to feel helpful and probably thinks no one can look after her little boy as good as her.

They are very close, and no doubt she is somewhat over protective. I just don't appreciate her implication that I would leave her poorly son to struggle on

Artytarty

Aw, don't take offence! Even my own Mum would say that to my husband!
It's semi rhetorical, more just a way of saying "so how are you? Getting better,eh?"

Grimbal

Spendless wrote: »

To throw in a different perspective, perhaps his Mum feels a bit helpless in the situation and is wanting (or suggesting) to step in herself.

That was the case with my MIL, when my husband had an op. He was incredibly 'demanding' (it was for Cancer though caught early on) on being discharged and one day when I'd spent the whole day running round after him, including running his bath and he was still irritable, I ended up snapping at him.

The following day he rang his Mum and she came to 'nurse' him. It suited us fine, he got the attention he wanted, that I couldn't give whilst trying to juggle college and 2 young kids, his Mum felt she could do something and I was happy with the situation.

i hope your husband made a full recovery & thank you for the perspective. maybe she did want him to say something similar so that she could take charge. Never considered that. Thank you