Do I message my ex husbands new girlfriend or not

Mumoffourkids

Hi, I have a dilemma. Myself and my ex husband split last year and although it wasn't a shock to us I think it was to the kids. My 12 year old daughter was ok at first but it seems to be affecting her more than the other kids.


My ex has had a new girlfriend since just before Christmas and she met the kids at the beginning of January. Ever since then my relationship with my daughter seems to have gone downhill rapidly. This could be a coincidence though which is why I have a dilemma.


Whilst I am happy that my daughter seems to be getting on with my ex husbands girlfriend, I think the girlfriend is coming on a bit strong and my daughter seems to prefer her to me. I get all the strops, attitude and rudeness whereas she gets all the nice bits.


I think the girlfriend isn't helping with me trying to rebuild my relationship with my daughter. I have been known to get very stressed and fly off the handle and I know this isn't right, so I am trying to control my temper.


I spoke to a couple of my friends and they say I should message the girlfriend and tell her to back off a little bit but I have a feeling this will make things worse.


What should I do?

74jax

Mumoffourkids wrote: »

Hi, I have a dilemma. Myself and my ex husband split last year and although it wasn't a shock to us I think it was to the kids. My 12 year old daughter was ok at first but it seems to be affecting her more than the other kids.


My ex has had a new girlfriend since just before Christmas and she met the kids at the beginning of January. Ever since then my relationship with my daughter seems to have gone downhill rapidly. This could be a coincidence though which is why I have a dilemma.


Whilst I am happy that my daughter seems to be getting on with my ex husbands girlfriend, I think the girlfriend is coming on a bit strong and my daughter seems to prefer her to me. I get all the strops, attitude and rudeness whereas she gets all the nice bits.


I think the girlfriend isn't helping with me trying to rebuild my relationship with my daughter. I have been known to get very stressed and fly off the handle and I know this isn't right, so I am trying to control my temper.


I spoke to a couple of my friends and they say I should message the girlfriend and tell her to back off a little bit but I have a feeling this will make things worse.


What should I do?

I wouldn't message her but I would talk it over with your daughter instead.

Lieja

Leave the new girlfriend alone. Daughter can have a good relationship with more than one person, and if it isn't good with you then that's something that only you can fix. I imagine your daughter wouldn't feel too good about you if she found it you'd done such a thing?

If she likes her dads new gf then the best thing you could do is be as positive and supportive as possible about her new relationship.

misspickle_2

Oh god no! Don't message her :eek:
It will cause all sorts of trouble and open a right old can of worms.
Who on earth is the friend who suggested that?
A drama llama by any chance?

atolaas

74jax wrote: »

I wouldn't message her but I would talk it over with your daughter instead.

^^^^ Do this. Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. Your ex hubby's gf may not be a permanent addition to your children's lives. Try not to get involved with her if possible.

misspickle_2

Just weather the storm and keep schtum if I were you :shhh:
Its when she's NOT getting on with the gf that you have to worry.

davidbo76

You would need to be a saint not to want to lash out. You get four kids and he gets a new girlfriend, whom your daughter adores?

Unfortunately, a saint is what you need to be. Kids are button-pushing experts, and can be curiously insensitive to how much stress you must be under.

Good luck.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Sounds like you need to find some new friends.

Seriously, what kind of malicious cows try to goad somebody into threatening/getting all ChavEnders on an innocent party, when it's more likely to destroy the mum/daughter relationship than anything else?

marisco_2

Mumoffourkids wrote: »

I have been known to get very stressed and fly off the handle and I know this isn't right, so I am trying to control my temper.

It is good that you are recognising the above and are taking steps to control your actions and responses. The damage has been done to your relationship with your daughter though. Only a lot of honest talking and more importantly really listening to her will enable you to repair it. If you contact the new girlfriend and try to interfere with her getting to know your daughter, you could blow any chance of her being willing to open up to you and work through your problems.

duchy

Put yourself in the GF's shoes.

She knows you have a reputation for been difficult and she's not from what you say come between you and your ex in parenting matters but she is forming a positive bond with your daughter..

she has done nothing wrong ...........so how is she going to react at been told to "back off" from your daughter -because you are jealous that you think she is building a closer bond than you have with your daughter. How would YOU react in her shoes ?

Kids can have several relationships just because she has a good relationship with one doesn't mean she loves another (you) less.

If you are jealous of their bond - work harder on your own ........ Your friends are daft- their advice would do nothing but risk a rift between you and your daughter

FBaby

OP, I've been there and it is really heart-breaking, but please don't do anything about it. It is not the step-mum's fault. Yes, she is probably doing too much trying to hard to make a good impression, but she is entitled to do that. Also, your DD's behaviour might not be anything to do with her. My DD went through a terrible stage when she was in year 7, suddenly totally obsessed with appearances and I struggle to like her as an invidual as she exhibited all the attributes I don't like in women. As it happened, there were very much those of her step-mum so could have blamed her, but although I suspected that she had some influence, it can now look back and see that it was much more pressure from fitting in at school that influenced her to be someone who wasn't really her. She settled in year 8 and since then has done a totally turn around.

She gets along fine with her step-mum, but they are not so close any longer whilst our relationship gets stronger everyday as she becomes an older teenager.

It is very hard as a mum to see our babies becoming attached to someone else, especially one who take on our role, but that is part of the whole separation malarky and something that gets better as time goes by. It is even harder for fathers when mothers move with a new partner who then end up spending more time with the children then their own fathers.