Do I message my ex husbands new girlfriend or not

easilydistracted

Wow I'm a bit surprised at the strength of reaction the Mum is getting here, perhaps I've missed something in the opening posts?

I am in a relatively new relationship with my partner who has a child with his ex. Unfortunately their relationship is incredibly difficult and contact has taken a long time to sort out via the court and the last bits are still concluding.

It was arranged via the court for me to meet her as she wasn't happy for me to drive her daughter otherwise. When we did meet it was a challenge because their relationship is difficult but it was really worth it and productive and I think we both ended up with a different perspective of each other than we started out with (though it helps I professionally work with parents and children so had a lot of work skills I could use).

I don't think messaging her is a good idea but is there no way your ex can arrange for you to meet her to try and make sure your on the same page? You will have to try and be really positive though. You are probably imaging a whole lot of stuff that isn't really going on.

New partners are fun because when we're not taking over we don't have any of the responsibility of parenting the child involved including having to put boundaries and we haven't had to say no a lot yet. I'm sure the novelty will wear off!

Jagraf

easilydistracted wrote: »

Wow I'm a bit surprised at the strength of reaction the Mum is getting here, perhaps I've missed something in the opening posts?

I am in a relatively new relationship with my partner who has a child with his ex. Unfortunately their relationship is incredibly difficult and contact has taken a long time to sort out via the court and the last bits are still concluding.

It was arranged via the court for me to meet her as she wasn't happy for me to drive her daughter otherwise. When we did meet it was a challenge because their relationship is difficult but it was really worth it and productive and I think we both ended up with a different perspective of each other than we started out with (though it helps I professionally work with parents and children so had a lot of work skills I could use).

I don't think messaging her is a good idea but is there no way your ex can arrange for you to meet her to try and make sure your on the same page? You will have to try and be really positive though. You are probably imaging a whole lot of stuff that isn't really going on.

New partners are fun because when we're not taking over we don't have any of the responsibility of parenting the child involved including having to put boundaries and we haven't had to say no a lot yet. I'm sure the novelty will wear off!

I do hope both your partner and his ex appreciate all you are doing. I take my hat off to you as a bio mum x

Hermia

easilydistracted wrote: »

Wow I'm a bit surprised at the strength of reaction the Mum is getting here, perhaps I've missed something in the opening posts?

I am in a relatively new relationship with my partner who has a child with his ex. Unfortunately their relationship is incredibly difficult and contact has taken a long time to sort out via the court and the last bits are still concluding.

It was arranged via the court for me to meet her as she wasn't happy for me to drive her daughter otherwise. When we did meet it was a challenge because their relationship is difficult but it was really worth it and productive and I think we both ended up with a different perspective of each other than we started out with (though it helps I professionally work with parents and children so had a lot of work skills I could use).

I don't think messaging her is a good idea but is there no way your ex can arrange for you to meet her to try and make sure your on the same page? You will have to try and be really positive though. You are probably imaging a whole lot of stuff that isn't really going on.

New partners are fun because when we're not taking over we don't have any of the responsibility of parenting the child involved including having to put boundaries and we haven't had to say no a lot yet. I'm sure the novelty will wear off!

The problem is the OP gave no examples of how the stepmum is coming on "too strong". We cannot assume the stepmum is trying to be her mum or is letting the child get away with things. Maybe the stepmum just arranged a couple of girly days out or perhaps they have something in common or a similar personality and have just really hit it off. I assume the OP would not have an issue if the daughter wanted to spend time with a neighbour or family friend for similar reasons. I think the OP should only get the dad/stepmum involved if the stepmum is actually undermining her parenting. If the stepmum is just enjoying the chance to have some fun with a youngster I really don't see how the OP could go in there and say anything without looking bitter.

fluffnutter

easilydistracted wrote: »

Wow I'm a bit surprised at the strength of reaction the Mum is getting here, perhaps I've missed something in the opening posts?

Probably because it seemed less about her daughter's happiness and more about her own feelings.

Obviously things are more complicated than that and I think most people would have sympathy for any parent in this position but you know what.. it's not about the parent really is it?

DigForVictory

Children will be hellions at the most inconvenient times.
That said the only way to make a complete & utter hash of your relationship with your daughter is to stop trying.

Which means going right on loving her even as she clobbers you repeatedly. Which she is doing & that's something you understandably feel hurt by.

That your ex has another woman & that daughter gets on with her? Also painful, but not your wicket. He and his girlfriend are not your monkeys, not your circus. Keep it polite for your daughter but do not communicate with the woman.

You need a very special fairy godmother for that to work out - usually made by Disney - so back here in real-painful-world, hang onto the fact she is your daughter & nothing and noone can take that from you.

Take a pride in her charm & good manners where you can, and just survive the rest.

At some stage, possibly when she has children of her own but I do hope sooner, she will realise just how remarkable you are & may even have the grace to say so. You need to still be talking to her then though.
Health, strength, love & courage.

SnooksNJ

Judi wrote: »

You cant message your ex's new girlfriend and tell her not to be so nice.... you just cant.

Work on your own relationship with your daughter instead.

How do you work out a relationship between a pre teen living with her Mom who is the disciplinarian compared to a father trying to be the cool Dad introducing the kids to his new girlfriend of a month. Probably giving loads of guilt presents as well.
Bad advice texting the girlfriend but I would ask questions on what they did ect and have a special Mother/Daughter day.

TBagpuss

I agree that texting or otherwise contacting her to tell her, in effect, to back off, is a bad idea.

A positive spin for you: We all (and perhaps children most of all) can lash out, and behave unpleasantly, in the place, and to the people, we feel safest with. You daughter may be having her strops and tantrums with you because she knows, deep down, that no matter how she acts or how obnoxious she is, you will still love and support her.
Maybe she does not (yet) feel that level of security with her step mum.

I think your best bet is to work on your relationship with your daughter, and if you do feel that it's necessary to communicate with your ex and his partner, that you do so in the way that you would if you were dealing with another third party, for instance a school teacher. (i.e. it might be better to ask (not tell) your ex and his partner whether you can discuss dealing with any specific issues your daughter has - but be aware that your husband has just as much of a say as you do in how this should be addressed, and his partner may have useful insights)

duchy

pickledonionspaceraider wrote: »

I genuinely wouldn't be faking it, I have got on well with an ex's new partner, as she was a genuinely nice person - had never done anything to harm me

I am sure I would likely feel different if 'she' was the cause of the split though!:rotfl:

Some people feel you have to "be against" their partner's ex- regardless of if there is any cause though.

Frankly a PWC is always the one who is the "boring" parent and the NRP "Fun parent" goes with the territory and nothing to do with new partners, Just a fact of life- you spend more time with them but with that advantage comes all the homework and discipline stuff too.

Mumoffourkids

Hi, sorry for not coming back sooner. I have been reading the replies.

I do appreciate the time everyone has taken to reply and I suppose the reason why I posted was because even though my friend said to message, I didn't feel right about doing it so I wanted to get further opinions.

I haven't messaged and I don't intend. I did have a very long chat with my ex at the weekend as my daughter's behaviour does go from being absolutely lovely to being so horrible to me and my other kids. I am trying to get her to see the counsellor at school as I think it would help to be able to talk to someone else about all that has gone on, and my ex thinks this is a good idea as well but she has refused.

I don't appreciate being told to get new friends though - that wasn't very nice if people were being serious about that. If you were just joking then I apologise for jumping to the wrong conclusion.

The problem I have with working on my own relationship with my daughter is that I have offered to take her out by herself but the last time she came back from her dad's she was in one of her bad moods and told me in no uncertain terms that she did not want to go out for a day with me.

I am trying really hard with her but it is hard when all you get is rudeness and attitude back.

So once again thank you for your replies - I have taken the advice on board and won't be messaging.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Mumoffourkids wrote: »

Hi, sorry for not coming back sooner. I have been reading the replies.

I do appreciate the time everyone has taken to reply and I suppose the reason why I posted was because even though my friend said to message, I didn't feel right about doing it so I wanted to get further opinions.

I haven't messaged and I don't intend. I did have a very long chat with my ex at the weekend as my daughter's behaviour does go from being absolutely lovely to being so horrible to me and my other kids. I am trying to get her to see the counsellor at school as I think it would help to be able to talk to someone else about all that has gone on, and my ex thinks this is a good idea as well but she has refused.

I don't appreciate being told to get new friends though - that wasn't very nice if people were being serious about that. If you were just joking then I apologise for jumping to the wrong conclusion.

The problem I have with working on my own relationship with my daughter is that I have offered to take her out by herself but the last time she came back from her dad's she was in one of her bad moods and told me in no uncertain terms that she did not want to go out for a day with me.

I am trying really hard with her but it is hard when all you get is rudeness and attitude back.

So once again thank you for your replies - I have taken the advice on board and won't be messaging.

I wasn't joking. You feel that I'm not being very nice about your 'friends' - I'm not. And for good reason.

Those 'friends' were trying to get you to take a course of action that would quite easily have destroyed your relationship with your daughter for the rest of your life.

If they're not stupid & believe all they see in Eastenders is how normal people behave, then they're malicious. Either way, had they convinced you to do as they told you, you would have been left to deal with the consequences, not them, although it would probably be quite entertaining for them to watch.


You posted here because you weren't certain whether they were right; everybody here has agreed that their advice was terrible. And you're not only smart enough to realise it, you're trying to do what's right.

I'm sorry if you're upset by this, but I'm wondering if sometimes when you've got very angry, it has been after talking to them and you've heard things like 'I wouldn't put up with that/you just tell him/you've got to stand your ground/let them know who's boss/etc'?


Good luck with your daughter; it takes more to keep calm and keep letting her know you're there for her, even when she pushes you away, than doing it a couple of times - might even take a couple of years - but you're not about to abandon and reject her, however horrid she may be. So there is a lot you can do, all because you're prepared to stop and think. And perhaps change. Which is wise and brave of you.