Do I message my ex husbands new girlfriend or not

Jagraf

Tropez wrote: »

Sure, it's a great idea to do it if you want to look like a jealous bunny boiler who isn't over your ex-husband.

See, that's what your message will be taken as. It won't be taken as having anything to do with your daughter. Both the new girlfriend and your ex-husband (because she'll tell him, you know?) will see it as you unable to move on and trying to drive a wedge in his future relationships and if you word it just right, it might also come off as threatening ("back off" is one of those ambiguous phrases).

And if you did do something to hurt his relationship by coming across as an angry nut, you couldn't really blame the guy if he told your daughter what you'd done. I mean, you'd hope he wouldn't because he probably want you and your daughter to have a good relationship, but sadly when people are angry they don't tend to think straight, which I assume is why you thought messaging this new girlfriend of his was a good idea, right?

Wrapped up in the way you have put this is some good advice!

It is exactly how it would be interpreted.

fluffnutter

It's a difficult situation for sure, and if the responses are less sympathetic than they could be (mine included) I think that's a lot to do with the way the situation was presented to us.

There's a world of difference between 'My ex has a new partner and whilst I love that she seems kind and welcoming to my daughter, I can't help feeling a bit left out and wondering what my role is these days. It's difficult seeing another woman get close to my children, my relationship with my daughter seems fraught at the moment and I want to know how to get it back on track' and 'Daughter likes new partner more than me. Shall I tell her to back off?'. Both are no doubt borne of the same feelings though.

What's most staggering about it though is the advice the OP is getting from her friends. I think, with few exceptions, the advice on here has overwhelmingly been 'No! Don't interfere! Be glad your daughter is forging new relationships' so what on earth is going on with the not one, but a 'couple of friends' who seem to think that mum throwing her toys out of the pram is going to help?? Bizarre.

System

You cant message your ex's new girlfriend and tell her not to be so nice.... you just cant.

Work on your own relationship with your daughter instead.

Hermia

Judi wrote: »

You cant message your ex's new girlfriend and tell her not to be so nice.... you just cant.

I'm trying to imagine how I would feel if I was in a new relationship and working really hard to get on with the kids and then got such a message. It would just scream jealous ex-wife causing problems!

Also bear in mind OP that as kids go into their teens they can start to get interested in what adults are like outside their family. I think I was around 12 when I realised that although I loved my mum I didn't have much in common with her. I remember starting being interested in looking at other women to see what their lives were like. I wonder if step-mum just happened to arrive just as daughter was wanting someone other than her mum to interact with.

19lottie82

Judi wrote: »

You cant message your ex's new girlfriend and tell her not to be so nice.... you just cant.

Work on your own relationship with your daughter instead.

This ^^^^^

Seriously, you should be glad your exes new gf is being so nice to your daughter, many others would prefer they were out of the way so they could get as much alone time with their new fella!

If you send a message you'll just look like a fruit case

fluffnutter

I really hope daughter hasn't got wind of how mum feels. Her loyalties must be incredibly torn. She loves her mum to bits but she also loves her dad and is enjoying spending time with a new adult in her life who's probably making an effort to find out what she's into. What could be nicer after the stresses of watching her parents split up?

The next thing she knows mum's been on the blower telling girlfriend to back off or, as one poster suggests, asking dad to tell girlfriend to rein in some of the more 'OTT treats' (whatever these are). So now daughter possibly misses out on nice things because mum's feeling insecure. Imagine how resentful she'll feel about that. And then guilty because she loves her mum. And then cross because she loves her dad too. Talk about confusing for her.

Divorce is difficult enough for kids. It makes it a whole lot harder if they feel they can't love one parent for fear of upsetting the other.

[Deleted User]

FBaby wrote: »

OP, I've been there and it is really heart-breaking, but please don't do anything about it. It is not the step-mum's fault. Yes, she is probably doing too much trying to hard to make a good impression, but she is entitled to do that. Also, your DD's behaviour might not be anything to do with her. My DD went through a terrible stage when she was in year 7, suddenly totally obsessed with appearances and I struggle to like her as an invidual as she exhibited all the attributes I don't like in women. As it happened, there were very much those of her step-mum so could have blamed her, but although I suspected that she had some influence, it can now look back and see that it was much more pressure from fitting in at school that influenced her to be someone who wasn't really her. She settled in year 8 and since then has done a totally turn around.

She gets along fine with her step-mum, but they are not so close any longer whilst our relationship gets stronger everyday as she becomes an older teenager.

It is very hard as a mum to see our babies becoming attached to someone else, especially one who take on our role, but that is part of the whole separation malarky and something that gets better as time goes by. It is even harder for fathers when mothers move with a new partner who then end up spending more time with the children then their own fathers.

This is the most sensible thing I have heard all day. Thank you FBaby. Although mine are younger, I do find myself getting internally jealous of my ex's gf, just because she spends time with them when I want it to be me. I have to remind myself they are entitled to like other people. Its so hard to share your children with another woman/man, especially when its not your choice.

meer53

As many others have said, DO NOT message her. It is the worst thing you could do.

Been there, got the T shirt. When your daughter comes home with tales of how GF is lovely, and she loves her, bite your lip. It will hurt inside but you will always be her Mummy, nothing can change that. As your daughter gets older, things will change, my daughter is 15 now, we still have some hormonal tantrums but she thinks i'm a cool Mum as i never bad mouthed my ex's new GF. Although i wanted to at the time.

The funny thing is that me and the GF are now friends, even though her and my ex have split up !

clarryd

I am glad other' think the same way as me.

Hormones are jumping everywhere with your daughter, and sometimes as said before you are her mum, the only one thing in her life she can rely on, trust and knows you will always be there for her no matter what.

Her dad has now got a new girlfriend which now she has to share her father daughter time with. So when she comes back from being with them so lashes out which is very understandable.

Go easy on her she just growing up.

cazziebo

Maybe the only reason DD is being difficult is hormones? My two DDs often told me how much they hated me from about 11 -15! (and our breakup had been when they were a baby and toddler so can't blame it on that).

Their step mum was not only impossibly glamourous and charming, she also worked in media with direct access to back stage passes for concerts. No way could I even think about competing with that! To be fair, she was a fantastic support to me during the difficult teenage years and even although she has now split with their dad, she keeps in touch with the girls.

Seriously, be grateful your DD has someone in her life she can turn to. I know it's not easy, (early on I would happily have run this "other woman' over) but it's worth it.