Borderline or Histrionic Personality Disorder

McCloud1

what2donow wrote: »

These are the questions I want to know the answers to. I dont know. Is it possible even to live with such a person? Apparently you cannot treat it, then some say it can be treated to liveable condition.

It is all so new to me as I only was told this week.

Sadly, not really. My step-mother has been banging her head against a brick wall for 20 years hoping my dad will one day be 'cured'. Personality disorders usually result in circular behaviour, and the person with the disorder is usually unaware of it.

Mojisola

what2donow wrote: »

How can I get him to go and seek some help?

what2donow wrote: »

These are the questions I want to know the answers to. I dont know. Is it possible even to live with such a person? Apparently you cannot treat it, then some say it can be treated to liveable condition.

For me, it would be an ultimatum - if he cares enough about you and your child, he will seek help and try the things that are suggested to him.

If he won't do that, I'd have to think seriously about separating.

Most problems can be solved or made manageable if both partners are willing to work at it. If one refuses, progress just isn't possible.

pogofish

Upsidedown_Bear wrote: »

But the OP is talking about borderline or histrionic personality disorder. Isn't narcissistic personality disorder something different?

It is indeed but it is also often diagnosed as a co-morbid PD in Histrionics, less so in Borderlines but narcissistic traits/episodes can be amongst the range of factors that contribute to a diagnosis.

what2donow

McCloud1 wrote: »

If he is resistant to treatment, how did you get him to see a psychologist in the first place? Maybe you could use whatever motivated him to attend that appointment to encourage him to follow this up with his doctor?

He has his moments when he is like an angel: loving, caring and would do anything for me so I asked him to go and he did. He now says psychologists are useless, they have their lives messed up, hardly any of them have a happy relationship/marriage etc. and he said unless we help each other, nobody else will.

what2donow

Mojisola wrote: »

For me, it would be an ultimatum - if he cares enough about you and your child, he will seek help and try the things that are suggested to him.

If he won't do that, I'd have to think seriously about separating.

Most problems can be solved or made manageable if both partners are willing to work at it. If one refuses, progress just isn't possible.

He has got ups and downs. When he is on the up - he is great! but he is a walking devil otherwise and I am worried this will only get worse - am I right?

Honestly, I am here really because I question my therapist advice to run. She said most likely he threatens but will not follow it up. She said he will try and threaten me that I wont be able to live without him (today he said: I could have done horrible things, I found out, but I wouldnt want to leave you hurt because I still care about you!) Emotional blackmail or what?!

From what I am reading it is a nightmare particularly for children.

what2donow

Mojisola wrote: »

Most problems can be solved or made manageable if both partners are willing to work at it.

I am optimistic and would like to believe it is true but is it in BPD case?

what2donow

Rambosmum wrote: »

P.S children can do very well in household where parents have MH difficulties, you just need to create as stable environment as possible, which means protecting your own mental health - make sure you have someone to talk to yourself, a professional if necessary.

OK, but is it even possible for me to create stable environment with him being so unstable?

McCloud1

what2donow wrote: »

He has got ups and downs. When he is on the up - he is great! but he is a walking devil otherwise and I am worried this will only get worse - am I right?

Honestly, I am here really because I question my therapist advice to run. She said most likely he threatens but will not follow it up. She said he will try and threaten me that I wont be able to live without him (today he said: I could have done horrible things, I found out, but I wouldnt want to leave you hurt because I still care about you!) Emotional blackmail or what?!

From what I am reading it is a nightmare particularly for children.

The more you describe him, the more he sounds like my father. Particularly the first paragraph of the above.

He needs somebody he trusts and feels understands him to convince him to get help. My dad only sought treatment after I spent hours talking to him, and he only listened to me as he knows I live with, and successfully manage a PD. He ignored his two main partners for three decades.

Maybe an on-line support group where he can share his experiences with like-minded people would be a good starting point?

Waves_and_Smiles

To answer your first post I have BDP and I am a psychologist, I will do my best to help but I can only speak for how BDP affects me, like most mental illness personality traits affect the symptoms. One of the main characteristics of BDP is an inability to take criticism. The smallest slight feels like the end of the world. Therefore in my case I used to blame everyone but me, because it was simply too painful to believe that I might not be good enough. I spent a lot of time careering from one drama to another, I can be manipulative (I hate that I can be, I am not proud of it) and it was very hard to face that I needed help at first because it felt like I was admitting I was useless, pointless, worthless-add as many as you like.

What finally got me to therapy was when I was diagnosed with other illnesses and realised that I couldn't ever hope for stability if I carried on living in drama the way I was. It took a lot of therapy (years) for me to be able to control my BDP. Now I can keep a handle on it as long as a major crisis doesn't happen. I also had to look at why I created drama and blamed others, in my case it was because I had been abused and I felt worthless so I couldn't bear anything else being my fault. I already blamed myself for the fact I was abused as a child. My mother was very unstable and I grew up with almost daily drama, it was all I knew and in a strange way it made me feel safe to continue it to the detriment of myself and others. I still don't like myself very much but at least I admit that and do not inflict my own insecurities on others. To reach this point of understanding I had to break down every barrier I had built against the world. It was extremely painful to do so, particularly because I found it so hard to trust. I also had an advantage in that I began psychotherapy at the age of 13 so I already had an ability to analyse myself objectively, a lot of people with BDP have never been taught how to do this and are terrified of doing so. You also have to want to get better which means it is going to emotionally hurt. A lot. Plus if he is anything like me he will feel huge remorse for people he may have hurt, I still haven't forgiven myself and probably never will.

I am in a 25 year relationship so it is possible to have a long term relationship with someone with BDP. However, personality traits do come into too, a selfish person for example becomes a selfish person with BDP, be sure not to blame everything on the condition. You do need to take care of you, BDP is hard to live with when it is uncontrolled. Try not to get drawn into the emotional extremes, remember when your OH criticises you he is projecting, it is him who feels he is not good enough. He is likely pushing it onto you because it is too painful for him to face. Tell him calmly why he needs to go to therapy, if he tries to deflect it and get defensive stay quietly persistent.

Please look after you and your child. You two are important! I wouldn't threaten to leave unless you are prepared to go through with it, try to cut the drama short wherever possible. Ultimately, it is up to him whether he is brave enough to go to therapy and face his demons. If he doesn't it is no reflection on you, you have done all that you can. I think it is very loving of you to want to support him but don't do it at the expense of your own feelings.

Good luck, I wish nothing but the best for all three of you. x

Oh, and I will check back so if I can help with any specific questions please ask, I won't be offended no matter how personal it is. Do remember though that I can only speak for me. Like any other mental illness, your personality alters how it plays out and a mental illness doesn't remove someone's basic, individual personality for good or bad. There are nice and not so nice people with mental health problems, it is important to try and define how much is the illness/disorder.

TBagpuss

http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/borderline-personality-disorder/ might be helpful.

The problem is that you cannot make him want, or seek help. You can encourage him, and you can try to help him to understand how his behaviour affects your and your child, but if he is not willing to get help you cannot make him.

Of course it is natural to wasn't to support him, but you do need to consider your own needs too, and those of your child.

You may need to try to talk to him, and to make clear that you will support him but that there are conditions, including conditions about his seeking help.

This is not something which will just go away or get better on its own. It may or may not get worse.

Ask yourself: if he doesn't change - if he continues to be as he is now, with major swings from nice to nasty, emotional blackmail and threats when he is nasty, manipulative behaviour and all, are you prepared to live with that permanently? Are you prepared to have your child grow up in that atmosphere?

If the answer is no, then your options come down to separating from him, or staying with him if and for so long as he is willing to work to address his problems. if he is willing try to find effective treatment and effective tactics to manage his condition, then you may be able to make things work. If he is not willing even to try, then you have to decide whether you are ready to accept that this is as good as it gets, and to live with it.