Really fed up with birth mothers emotional blackmail.

InsideInsurance

clark24 wrote: »

for the past 22 years I have had polite but distant contact with my Grandparents, and after a few painful (literally) and unpleasant meetings with my mother I tried to avoid her entirely. This was working fine, 2 letters a year to my gps and they would send me an Xmas card and Easter card.

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The jewellery means a lot to me, I can't explain why really, it's kind of 40 years of emotional anxiety and the jewellery is proof that my grandmother remembered me and wanted me to have something special of hers, but I know I will never have it, unless I agree to my mothers demands, which I can't.

As the cold voice of logic, you had a "polite but distant" relationship with your grandparents for 22 years with that consisting of 2 letters a year plus some greetings cards and yet now there's jewellery involved you are devastated?

Has this change in circumstances meant that you are also nurturing a deep meaningful relationship with your remaining biological family other than your mother or is still arms length unless inheritance is involved again?

My story has some similarity in that I was adopted from birth having been the product of a young teenagers experience behind the bikeshed after her mother had died with my alleged biological father having denied it was him. I too reached out to her and found someone who I didnt like and didnt serve any purpose to my life beyond answering some of the Nature/ Nurture type questions. I likewise found some of the wider biological family much more amiable but no real connection to them/ not wanting a full relationship.

On the flipside my adoptive family were very loving and it was very happy until my father died and my mother went a little crazy. So these days I have two mothers neither of which I like and have similar arms length relationships.

Personally I dont want anything from any of them. The things are not my memories, they dont change how people felt for me, dont change my history. If there was anything I'd want from them is photos from my childhood etc but these can be gotten from the arms length relations anyway.

Now, in practice there is nothing logical or rational about emotions, you even admit you cannot rationalise why a piece of jewellery from someone you kept at arms length is suddenly so important to you. Only you can ultimately decide on how much you are willing to put up with to acquire this item and any future ones that may be left to you. Personally, it doesnt change her feelings and doesnt change your memory, walk away from it as it isnt worth the cost.

paddy's_mum

clark24 wrote: »

my grandmothers death - I miss her terribly, she was a lovely woman who had always been kind to me and my children

Oh, sweetheart! I so wish I could make you see that her legacy to you is not the jewellery at all, the possession of which is a hollow victory for the poor, damaged, sick woman who is holding them now.

Instead, everything of value that your grandmother was able to leave you is encapsulated in those few words of yours above.

I know that it's easy to say and much, much harder to achieve but can you not find a way in your heart to let go of the trouble and glory in the goodness of the woman who is so big a part of your own make-up?

I wish you, above all else, peace.

skattykatty

So there is no 'proof' that these items were left to you by your grandmother? Only your unreliable mother's words?

Perhaps at this point the most vital thing is to look after yourself, and allow yourself to be looked after, the best you can. Take comfort and pleasure in the quality of life and relationship with the family you have made.

I echo Paddy's Mum...wish you peace...

Mojisola

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Oh, sweetheart! I so wish I could make you see that her legacy to you is not the jewellery at all, the possession of which is a hollow victory for the poor, damaged, sick woman who is holding them now.

Instead, everything of value that your grandmother was able to leave you is encapsulated in those few words of yours above.

I know that it's easy to say and much, much harder to achieve but can you not find a way in your heart to let go of the trouble and glory in the goodness of the woman who is so big a part of your own make-up?

I wish you, above all else, peace.

I do agree with this but many adopted people feel very strongly about small things that have come from their blood family. These things can have much greater meaning than if they came from relations you had been in close contact with all your life so I understand how clark24 feels as well.

However, no 'things' can be worth letting the mother get involved in clark24's life.:(

clark24

I used to be a lot closer to my grandparents, after I turned 18 I would spend xmas with them and go there for holidays, they came to my wedding and we would go out for meals and they would see me on my birthdays etc but then my daughter was born and my mother totally lost the plot. She saw my daughter as a second chance for her to be a mother, her behaviour got increasingly more dangerous. Before my daughter was born it was hard enough, she would hit me and spew out vile abuse but after my daughter it just kept getting worse. She has no concept of acceptable behaviour due to her brain damage and my daughters life was at risk. This caused many problems, if she found out my grandparents were spending time with me she went for them, so it was decided we would just write, they tried sneaking out to see us but they were old and torn between their daughter and us, nobody can control my mother.

We were close, but she was their daughter so for everyones sake we had to distance ourselves. I spent many happy times with my grandparents, and my grandmother would tell me she wanted me to have something special of hers upon her passing so I could have a family heirloom, one from my biological family.

This is why it hurts, I don't care about the monetary value, just the fact it has just created so many problems and I now have to deal with all of this when I am not well enough.

z.n

You can see a whole new side to people when a matriarchal figure dies. My very well-mannered family ended up fighting over 50 year old teaspoons- and the less said about any items of jewelry and who got what, the better. So I think you are likely on a hiding to nothing trying to chase up valuable items held by your birth mother. Just let it go if you can bear to.

It struck me, reading your posts, that your Grandmother (and Grandfather) gave you the greatest gift when they ensured you were adopted. Every single day, each time you hug your child, every happy memory you have of your life was a gift from them. That cannot be measured by a piece of jewelry, and I suspect the last thing your Grandmother would have wanted is for you to get tangled up in your birth-Mother's drama. Find some other way to remember her- the plant in the garden sounds a lovely idea. Or maybe you could ask your Grandfather to post something- a scarf or similar personal item that he might still have around. Or a teaspoon (if she liked tea.) You could ask without even mentioning the jewelry- just say you would like a small every-day memento.

meritaten

I understand I think, how physically having something 'willed' to you can mean so much.
First I remember when my great-grandfather died, my nan was so upset. She wasn't mentioned in his will - he just made a huge point out of leaving everything to his nephew 'as he was his only blood relative'. This man had brought her up and she believed he was her father until she was in her forties then was told that neither her mam or dad were related - she was informally adopted - neither of them left her anything. if she had just been mentioned and left a momentoe - she would have been happy - she wasn't after their money although they had plenty.
my nan left me some items - but I never received them, my aunt kept them and promised me I could have them when she died. I let her because they 'belonged' in the house which she shared for years with nan. but she didn't leave them to me in her will and also, they got thrown out when my aunt was caring for her in her final days. (so aunt claims) and yes that still rankles 3 years on. I wish now I had insisted that Aunt hand them over!
I wish I had them - I have nothing except my memories of nan - and having items such as my other grandmothers favourite cup and saucer................I think they carry some importance. oh and I still wear on occasion a ruby and pearl necklace of another great aunt. and every time I see it or wear it I remember her with affection.
the 'things' I do have I will pass down to my own children and I like that thought.

clark24

So an update for those that were interested...

I finally received the jewellery, there were quite a few pieces, some which will need to go on the insurance and a couple of pieces that I will wear on special occasions due to the fact they are beautiful but too fragile and valuable to wear everyday.

I also finally received the copy of the will, I am mentioned a few times, due to the fact as I am adopted I would not be considered legally entitled if not specifically mentioned, so my Grandma made sure I was not to be excluded by mentioning me by name at all the relevant points. This meant more to me than even the jewellery did, knowing that even though I am not legally considered family due to th adoption but knowing she still did consider me to be family and made damn sure I was fully included in her will has lessened a lot of the pain I have been carrying for all these years.

I realise many of you will see me as a gold digger, but this was never about money or posessions, she told me many years ago that they still considered me family and always had but for my own safety I had to be adopted to protect me from my parents, seeing what was written in her will shows me she meant that, and that is priceless to me.

heartbreak_star

I'm so glad you got it sorted in the end and that both the items and the will have helped set your mind at ease!

Personally I didn't see you as a gold-digger - I think even if the items weren't jewellery you'd have wanted them

HBS x

clark24

Thankyou

None of the items equal a life changing amount monetarily, but they equal a life changing amount emotionally, which to me has a much higher value.