Really fed up with birth mothers emotional blackmail.

clark24

It's not advice I am after as such, more a chance to vent some frustration.

First some background info...

Ok so I am just about to turn 40, and on the day of my birth I was swiftly placed in a home for unwanted children by my birth family. I was subsequently adopted by people who didn't so much want children, but felt that as devout Baptists they should have some to 'fit in' with their other church members.

I had quite a miserable childhood, not wanting for material things as such, but totally lacking in emotional support and happiness.

Roll on to when I reached 18 and by then my need to meet my biological family was all consuming, I wondered if they would fill the huge gap in my heart. Boy was I wrong, for reasons I can't go into here it turned out that I had a very lucky escape, I would not have survived long if left with them and it was the police/SS who took me away from them, with my Grandparents help, they did not want to risk the 'sins' of my parents affecting their lives any more than they already had, just in case I turned out the same (I haven't btw but my physical health has suffered greatly from their shenannigans whilst I was in utero).

But of course the genie was out of the bottle, and for the past 22 years I have had polite but distant contact with my Grandparents, and after a few painful (literally) and unpleasant meetings with my mother I tried to avoid her entirely. This was working fine, 2 letters a year to my gps and they would send me an Xmas card and Easter card. So far so good, but then my Grandmother got very ill (from a genetic condition that I also have) and then died. This prompted my Grandfather to give my mother my contact details, and the onslaught of her bothering me began. She was grieving fair enough, but she is severely mentally ill and focussed on me and my family. I held her at a polite arms length (I had to to protect my children, she cannot ever be around them, it isn't safe).

I then discover my grandmother left me some jewellery in her will, she wanted me to have something special of hers, but for some unfathomable reason the executors gave it to my mother to pass on to me. And she has absolutely no intention of doing this, unless I agree to a big happy family reunion, she wants a full in to my life, and is holding my jewellery hostage unless I agree to it. My grandfather would be devastated if I told him this so I can't, but I also will never ever agree to go anywhere near my mother, much less put my children through that.

The jewellery means a lot to me, I can't explain why really, it's kind of 40 years of emotional anxiety and the jewellery is proof that my grandmother remembered me and wanted me to have something special of hers, but I know I will never have it, unless I agree to my mothers demands, which I can't.

This whole situation has made me really upset, it's brought back a lot of emotions I thought I had dealt with, I am currently very ill (to the point where I will only get worse and am not making long-term plans) and anyway I just needed to vent.

theoretica

clark24 wrote: »

I
I then discover my grandmother left me some jewellery in her will, she wanted me to have something special of hers, but for some unfathomable reason the executors gave it to my mother to pass on to me.

Who are the executors? They haven't done their job properly - can you invoke them to rectify their mistake by getting the jewellery back from your mother?

burnoutbabe

speak to the executors and say "you believe you have been left something but have not had it".

Its them that would get into big trouble if you do not get what was left to you.

carefullycautious

Whilst it would be nice to have a piece of jewellery belonging to your grandmother it is not worth the price you will have to pay.


You and your family come first. Don't let someone hold you to ransom over objects.


Can you plant a rose in your garden in memory of her so that every year a lovely scented flower can be placed on her grave. I'm sure there are many different things you can do to remember her.


You sound like you could do with some help with coming to terms with all that has happened to you, have you thought of counselling ?

clark24

theoretica wrote: »

Who are the executors? They haven't done their job properly - can you invoke them to rectify their mistake by getting the jewellery back from your mother?

I don't know, very few members of the family acknowledged my existence, every single one of them dislike my mother intensely and so I was seen as a horrible mistake, one that was dealt with.

My grandparents were less harsh and quite fond of me, hence being remembered in my gm will, but I don't know how I would go about finding out who was stupid enough to give my mother those items, unless I ask my grandfather but that would upset him too much, he is already mourning the loss of a woman he was married to for 70 years, I can't write to him and ask him to deal with this issue, I don't want to cause him any more grief

clark24

burnoutbabe wrote: »

speak to the executors and say "you believe you have been left something but have not had it".

Its them that would get into big trouble if you do not get what was left to you.

If it was any of my aunts (which it probably was) then they would not have thought I was entitled to getting anything, and so wouldn't care.

carefullycautious

Let it go. Do you really want to keep picking over this?


If you do then you would need to see a solicitor and ask for a third party to hand over what you are entitled to.


You can also get a copy of the will

clark24

carefullycautious wrote: »

Whilst it would be nice to have a piece of jewellery belonging to your grandmother it is not worth the price you will have to pay.


You and your family come first. Don't let someone hold you to ransom over objects.


Can you plant a rose in your garden in memory of her so that every year a lovely scented flower can be placed on her grave. I'm sure there are many different things you can do to remember her.


You sound like you could do with some help with coming to terms with all that has happened to you, have you thought of counselling ?

I know, and although when I first found out I was overjoyed that she had remembered me in such way (it is not the monetary value btw, just the fact she cared) I have been coming to accept I will never get them. My mother has said she will send me a photo of them but not the actual items, cos yeah a photo is helpful not...

I also know my grandfather has left me something in his will, it was written about in my adoption papers, I seriously doubt I will ever get that either, what is baffling is that my entire birth family hate my mother, know what a nightmare she is and what she has put everyone through, and yet still did this!!

I am getting counselling for my health issues, coming to terms with my untimely demise, I will chuck this issue in too, I feel sorry for my therapist! lol

clark24

carefullycautious wrote: »

Let it go. Do you really want to keep picking over this?


If you do then you would need to see a solicitor and ask for a third party to hand over what you are entitled to.


You can also get a copy of the will

I am letting it go, slowly and with some ranting involved.

My grandmother would be devastated if she knew I would never get these items, she chose pieces specifically for me and my daughter, she wanted us to have something of hers, it is just a shame that some idiot didn't think about what they were doing, or knowing my aunts they did think and did it on purpose.

barbarawright

clark24 wrote: »

If it was any of my aunts (which it probably was) then they would not have thought I was entitled to getting anything, and so wouldn't care.

Have you seen the will? That should name the executors

https://www.gov.uk/wills-probate-inheritance/searching-for-probate-records. If the executors won't give you something you have been left, you need to consult a solicitor but it all depends how much money and time you want to invest in this. But a solicitor's letter might be enough to get what you're owed

clark24

barbarawright wrote: »

Have you seen the will? That should name the executors

https://www.gov.uk/wills-probate-inheritance/searching-for-probate-records. If the executors won't give you something you have been left, you need to consult a solicitor but it all depends how much money and time you want to invest in this. But a solicitor's letter might be enough to get what you're owed

Would anyone involved in the will be notified if I did this?