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Indie_Kid

AntoMac wrote: »

Good people of this thread,


I hope you don't mind me asking for your thoughts/advice. I have a cousin who is crippled with depression/indecision. He is trying to sort out some considerable financial mess he's in and from time to time I have a chat with him or meet up to see if I can help or to let him sound off.
His daughter is mentally ill and won't see anyone so he has the added pressure of that. His worry is that if he contacts his creditors to get a final settlement figure for his outstanding debts they could dig into his personal situation to the point his house could be repossessed to clear what he owes, although he has enough to clear his debts. His situation is very complicated and there is a lot more to it than I've mentioned here but he just seems to talk himself round in circles without tackling anything.
He now worries what will happen to his daughter if he dies. It's really sad and I really want to help him as I know he is a very good and decent man. Much as I want to help him it can be very frustrating and it brings me down too. He is very intelligent and very good at going off topic so often we end up way off the subject of tackling his debts/paperwork etc.
Any thoughts as to what I can do other than say I am here if he needs anything? I'm the only family member he feels able to confide in.
Thanks in advance for reading. Just needed to get some of my jumbled thoughts out of my head.

Welcome

I can't offer any advice. But have you posted on the debt free boards? I'm sure the guys there will be able to give you some advice.

whitewing

Well done to everyone who was able to vote this time round. I really hope the result is worth it.

This isn't a penguin but I am whiting it out as I am slightly paranoid and think it will reduce the chances of someone who knows me stumbling across it.

I have passed my first martial arts grading exam this week and have earnt my next belt. My new belt is dedicated to WaS, who made me brave enough to walk through the door each week, and - I think - Gingernutty (I may have misremembered who), who was talking about joining a singing group at the same time that I was thinking about joining martial arts and who made me brave enough to go through the door for the first time. Littlewing also passed hers recently.

jobbingmusician

That does sound like good advice.

From what you have said, it sounds as if your friend's problems (his OWN problems, that is) are more about finances than anything else - apart from the one about who looks after his daughter, and finances would help a lot with that one too! Does his daughter claim any benefits? I am guessing not - it might help him if you encouraged him to use http://www.entitledto.co.uk/.

On the DFW (or somewhere else on this site, but the lovely folk on DFW will show you the way!) there is a downloadable spreadsheety type thing where you can list ALL your incomings and outgoings. If he's brave enough, he could post that on there and get their advice about where he stands, and how he could turn things around. Might he be prepared to work through this with you? Honestly, it might help him to read some of the stories on there - people who you'd think could never have found their way out of serious messes seem to have turned their lives around!

None of this is supposed to just send you off to DFW, by the way. You are very very welcome here, and please do keep posting (and maybe encourage your cousin and his daughter to join our happy little gang )

Edited to add: WW! That is BRILLIANT! And what a lovely thought to dedicate it to WaS and gingernutty! :T :beer:

AntoMac

Indie_Kid wrote: »

Welcome

I can't offer any advice. But have you posted on the debt free boards? I'm sure the guys there will be able to give you some advice.

Thanks. I was meaning more on his mental health side of things, on the basis that people on this thread seem to have suffered or are suffering with mental health issues.

whitewing

Antomac,

I would see if you can get your cousin to see the GP about the depression/indecision. I think on the NHS choices website, there is a questionnaire that he could fill in and print off about 'Are you depressed?' Although the depression is probably due to his circumstances, it may be that he could be helped medically and then would see his own way through some of the mess.

Also, could he register as a carer for his daughter (not necessarily financially), so that he can get some access to carer support. In our area there are courses etc that carers can go on that help them deal with some of the issues of caring.

Do you know what mh condition/s the daughter has and why she won't see people? Could you offer to support her with GP visits or mh visits or assessments?

Is your cousin at risk of taking his own life if he is so worried about his daughter if he dies? Or is he older and just concerned, or older and catastrophising/unconsciously looking for additional things to beat himself up about?

AntoMac

Thanks whitewing,
He's already on medication for depression but seems almost beyond help.
I don't think he is at risk of taking own life but his health isn't good. His daughter won't even see me. She has eating disorder mainly due to problems in her childhood.
I just can't seem to persuade him to do much to change things - hence the catastrophising (great word by the way) and beating himself up. He goes over and over things that have happened a long time ago.
I guess this is just normal behaviour for depressed people? Depression not something I understand enough about. I get very down at times myself but nothing like my cousin does

elsien

Has he asked for other help as well as medication? It probably varies between areas, but it is possible to get psychological help for ruminating thoughts (the ones that keep going round in circles.) His GP would be a starting point if he doesn't get mental health support services. And if he's one of those that clams up when faced with a doctor he could put it in writing to either send first or to take with him to remind him of the points he wants to get across.

whitewing

I would perhaps see if he could get a review of his medication as he perhaps ought to be feeling better? It is easy to just get a repeat prescription.

He could perhaps also see the GP about concerns for his daughter's current health? She may be too poorly to make her own proper decisions about seeing people. I raised some concerns about my mother a while back, and the GP wrote out to her to request that she go back to see them. Once they realised that she was virtually incapable of making a complex decision herself, they could word things to her in such a way that she could act on.

You could perhaps speak to Social Services in his area (anonymously if you wish) to raise concerns about the daughter. Again, they may both be too poorly to realise how much their situation/health has deteriorated. I found it extremely difficult to request help when I was ill because I did not even realise that I wasn't 'normal' and also I did not think I was worthy of helping anyway. In my experience, people agonise over making these kind of calls, but if they are made with a good heart they can be pivotal in helping people help themselves. (I still sometimes wish that people had raised concerns about me when I was younger. Just knowing that someone had cared would have meant the world to me as an adult).

Indie_Kid

Urgh. It's become obvious (oh, the joys of being friends with a retired communication teacher) to a friend of mine that I have issues with talking. Or rather, saying certain words. I, according to my dad, don't actually have an accent. (his counsin's family claim I sound posh - they come from dagenham!)

Looking through the leaflet that came with my medication on Tuesday and that seems to be the problem. Urgh.

Neurologist told me in November he can't put me on anything else after this because they've tried everything else that doesn't interact with my asthma medication.

whitewing

I agree with elsien about writing it all down for the doctor. It really does help. You could help him make a list. You could even split it into concerns about myself (ie him) and my daughter. You don't have to medicalise anything. Just list each thing as an impact on daily life. For example, for me, if I am not up and showered by 9am most days then there is a good chance that I am beginning to slip really badly. Obviously everyone has different routines but think about what you do each day or week and then get him to see how his list compares. Some differences won't be a concern but some may ring warning bells eg I don't drive but we do have a car and my DH would like me to drive to relieve the pressure on him. I am still avoiding driving and I get angry if DH pushes it. It is a problem. I am choosing to ignore the issue at the moment but I am aware that I need to do something about it in the next year or too. If, for example, my DH got banned from driving, my issue would need to be resolved or we would be out of work.

Your cousin may choose to not take action. You may have some brilliant ideas and support, but part of that support is to learn how not to let it affect your mood when you can't problem-solve him effectively. (He won't enjoy wallowing but it may seem to you that is what he wants to do - just bear with him even of you can see where his life is heading. People sometimes need to work things through for themselves, even though you could shortcut it).