We all need to be heard for a little while.

calleyw

Pyxis wrote: »

Calley, you're not alone. I'm having a dreadful day, and have had a dreadful week. Have been feeling extremely depressed. It doesn't show here because for a few moments I can write funny or cheery things, but underneath I feel really ill, mentally. I managed to get out this morning, and looked round some charity shops, beaming at the assistants and making conversation, but feeling ghastly inside. I treated myself to a real Italian pizza in a real Italian pizza restaurant a short walk away, and practised my Italian on the waitress, and you wouldn't have thought anything was wrong, but inside I felt awful.

I got home, watched the news about the new Princess, and now I'm in bed, just wanting to cry.
It's a combination of things; some of it is due to a medication hiatus, some of it is the condition I have, some of it is due to having had the bug and its after-effects for two weeks, and some of it is reactive due to some horrible family dynamics that have worsened recently.

But like you, I feel friendless, family-less, unlovable and unlikeable, and doomed to be lonely for the duration. And it's not for want of trying. And yes, I'll be alone all weekend too, and doubt I'll get anything done as usual.

So, you see, I can be good at putting on an act! Must be all the drama classes! Interestingly, in Drama classes, I always found it very, very easy to act sorrow, misery and anger, and hard to act happiness! I could even cry to order, no probs!

Yep that how I feel. I put on a massive act for everyone else. Even my husband most of the time as he has enough to deal with.

No one would believe me like you I feel really crap inside but put on an act and no one would think there is anything wrong.

Not sure spending so much time on my own is good thing. And anything winds me up.

Yours

Calley

elsien

Staying in is definitely the new going out. I think bank holidays can make people feel they're missing out if they're not Doing Something. Well, they make me feel like that anyway.
But having said that, I had to go into town and it was vile. (Aside from raiding the 99p shop for cake sprinkles.) Was going to go round a garden tomorrow but not if it's raining. And I wasn't in the mood for anything else. So I have now decided that if it stays cold I will quite happily hibernate.
Maybe stopping in different when it's from choice rather than feeling low. but I'm not sure there's as many people out there whizzing around being sociable as it sometimes appears.

codemonkey

I think most people pretene that their lives are fabulous but they're not.

Today is rubbish. I just want to make an actual duvet fort and stay there forever. Or at least until I need to pee.

calleyw

codemonkey wrote: »

I think most people pretene that their lives are fabulous but they're not.

Today is rubbish. I just want to make an actual duvet fort and stay there forever. Or at least until I need to pee.

Agree.

Also how I feel some days and I do, do it some days as well LOL!!!

Have been out but only to buy a load of junk food!!!

Yours

Calley

elsien

It's still an out, so it counts as a positive on the making an effort front.

System

Pyxis wrote: »

Good on you, MessedUp! Knew you'd do the right thing! :A


And thanks for your support, you, Pauline and JM. It means such a lot! You've no idea! Well, you probably do have an idea!

The good thing about here is that you all do understand, and you don't do what a lot of people in RL do, which is try and jolly you along, at best, or at worst, castigate you for 'not having anything to be depressed about'. Both guaranteed to make you feel far worse!

I feel i can be open with you guys, not that i cant with my friends per say, but some of the bad stuff i hide it from them. mainly cos everyone else seems to have happy stuff going on and i don't want to bring them down with my woes. Plus i know everyone here has some kind of personal experience which means i feel they understand better if that makes sense?

calley, i spend a lot of time on my own (well not as much time now since i met the fella), and its not always good for my mental health. One of my biggest problems during depressive episode is to shut myself off from the world. I put on a front a lot of the time though. I hate people seeing me when i'm depressed or even hypermanic (though more depressed as its more noticable). I've had a few times at work when i've really not been well enough to be there but i;ve gone in anyway as i felt i was letting them down by not turning up. I;ve lost count of how many times my managers have had to tell me i'm not letting anyone down and i need to make sure i look after myself. I just hate people seeing that (mental) side to me


elsien-bank holidays don;t even register to me anymore. monday is just another working day for me (though i do get the bonus of time and a half and lieu day! :j )

purpleshoes_2

I think most of my stresses over the years came from saying Im ok when I actually wasnt. For me I spent years battling work related stress, in more than one job, due to bullying, long hours, horrible bosses, followed me from job to job and just as I thought I was settled in a job I could stay in long term up that all went pete tong and when I left there, I just crashed.

I spent years sitting in the house eating and drinking crap, too scared to do anything, said it before, I went from someone who went to the gym 6 nights a week to zero. I cringe when I think back to my 40th birthday and pics I had taken of me (just on my mums camera, nothing fancy). I looked and felt absolutely terrible.

I wasnt helped over the years because my GPs are horribly unsupportive and did nothing and I mean nothing for me. A few years back going to Tesco was a massive achievement for me, because the only place I felt safe was in the house.

So even if I am having a rubbish day, I think, well I must be feeling better because these days I get up, I get dressed and showered and I can go shopping and go to the gym. Id also never have done stuff like leafleting for a political party or gone to rallies. I just didnt care about anything, myself mostly.

I do still have off days and I actually dont know what it was that made me get off my backside and get on with things. I cant think of a specific event, maybe getting the help at last with my insomnia was a turning point.

I think there's too much pressure on people to bounce about and go this is ok, thats ok, Im ok. If you aren't feeling ok you arent feeling ok and that is that.

Im actually looking forward to doing not a lot on the bank holiday as my class is off as my hall would charge me double to open it up.

To be honest when I see some people post about what they do with their lives it exhausts me, there's absolutely nothing wrong in being a bit of a hermit and not doing very much with your time.

Unless that's making you more unhappy, Ive been there also. Thats the reason I joined meet up as I was taking the staying in thing way too far but its good as I can opt in and out when it suits me, if I had to go out every weekend I really wouldn't like it at all. Did it for about 6 months last year with meet up and then stayed in for 2 months solid.

Recognising that you feel crap is the first step, then its just seeing what you can do to make yourself feel less so if thats possible.

elsien

They didn't used to with me either when I did shifts, but now I'm doing 9/5 for the first time in my life the pressure is on to make the most of them!

codemonkey

Take it as a win. Last Saturday, I had to go out and spent every second of it wishing I was at home, in my jammies, watching Britain's Got Talent and eating a Dominos. So aside from proving that I am indeed a hermit with questionable tastes in food and tv, it also proves that not everyone with a social life is out there enjoying it. Some are out because they need to be and others because they think they have to be.

Pyxis

Well, over the past three or four years, I've rung people up,and said do you fancy going on this trip, visiting that place, seeing that concert/show, etc. etc. and then organising tickets etc. It was obvious that if I didn't, I wouldn't go anywhere unless it was on my own. And people have been very appreciative of me doing all the arrangements, and sometimes the transport, too.

I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times that someone has rung me up in the last four years and asked if I'd like to do such-and-such and then organised it. And on the very few occasions they have, it's been sooo nice, but hardly ever happens.

But over the last year, due to so much minor illness and AmDram commitments, I've had less energy to do all the organising. So I have been on far fewer outings and no-one has asked me to anything. And rarely phoned me up. I get an occasional email from one person, and that's it.

Now that kinda hurts! Even more so when they witter on about how they've been here, there and everywhere with other friends.