We all need to be heard for a little while.

tea_lover

MU – obviously only you know whether you should end things, just wanted to give you my experience as what you posted has really struck a chord with me. Apologies in advance for the over-long post… this is basically my therapy J

Am in the process of ending things with my OH. We’ve been together over 9 years, and lived together in a jointly-owned house for 4 years.

Honestly – I should have ended things about 8 yrs ago when I found out he’d been cheating on me pretty much since we met. That went on for years – him promising he wouldn’t speak to her, me finding out they were still in contact, her sending me threatening messages etc, the whole cycle kicking off again… it seemed never-ending.

Looking back I have no idea why I carried on with the relationship (if I can even call it that). Partly, I think it was sheer bl**dy-mindedness on my part. I didn’t want to lose, I didn’t want to admit defeat, I didn’t want to admit that the perfect bf I thought I’d had for a year was just a sham, and that the cheating, lying excuse for a man I was left with was the real person. I didn’t want to be on my own, especially as I was approaching 30 at the time and didn’t think I’d have the chance to have children with anyone else. Like you, I’d never ended a relationship. I kept thinking that if I just hung on in there for long enough, the person I fell in love with would re-appear.

While the cheating did stop eventually, the total lack of respect didn’t. It’s just got worse over the last few years. OH will come in the house and not even bother saying hello to me. He’ll eat a meal I’ve cooked and not say thank you. He hasn’t cooked so much as toast for a couple of years. He’ll get himself a drink and not offer me one. When I try to make conversation he doesn’t even look up from his ipad, the most I get in reply is a grunt. He does absolutely nothing around the house. If I’m ill he just leaves me to get on with it (had to get my dad around at Christmas when I had tonsillitis). He refuses to go anywhere or do anything together. I’ve always been happy for us to have different interests and friends, but to start with we had joint interests too. The last time we left the house together was for a family funeral.

I realise I’ve painted him as a complete monster there, and I’m sure he would see things differently – although he openly admits he’s got no interest in us ever going out or doing anything together. The main problem (as I see it) though is that by letting him treat me with such utter disrespect to start with, I basically brought this on myself. I told him loud and clear that I wasn’t worth being nice to, being honest to.

I don’t know the details of your relationship (obviously lol), but I will say that life is too short to spend walking on eggshells and waiting for someone else to notice you exist. Your partner should be just that – someone who treats you as an equal, who has your back, who you trust to love you and respect you. I’m not saying people should give up at the first sign of trouble, I fully appreciate that relationships take effort – but if only one side if willing to make that effort then put yourself first and run.

Sorry again for the length of that! You can all invoice me for the free therapy now! :rotfl:

System

Thank you for sharing that tea lover

I'm sorry you're going through that. I can relate to it because I've been through the same before with an ex. He honestly treated me like crap but I was never strong enough to walk away. It only ended she he left me for one of the women he'd been cheating on me with.

For the record Beau isn't a bad person, he's never treated me badly, I mean ok the not talking to me isn't great but I don't think he does it as a malicious thing. But I think past experiences of staying in unhappy relationships have made me question my (and his) current happiness.

lostinrates

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Ok.

This is not an easy post to write. Things with Beau aren't good. He's become increasingly distant and it's clear he's not happy and truthfully neither am I. I hate seeing him down but being unable to do anything about it and I hate the fact he seems to shut me out 99% of the time when he's not here. When he is here things are great but the times inbetween? It's like I don't exist. And I'm angry because our realtionship is hanging by a thread and yet he doesn't even care enough to try and save the damn thing. I don't know how much more I can cope with. I feel like I'm the one making most of the effort. I don't expect to even hear from him today. He's shut me out and I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Sorry for invading the thread I just feel consumed by this and it helps to write it down

It's not been very long since you met really. Forgive me, but while the early days might be full of passion IMO they should feel heavy with drama, every thing should feel surmountable.

How long has it been? Could it be the six monthish hormone drop?

There is a reason lots of relationships drop under a year, then at around a year.

tea_lover

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Thank you for sharing that tea lover

I'm sorry you're going through that. I can relate to it because I've been through the same before with an ex. He honestly treated me like crap but I was never strong enough to walk away. It only ended she he left me for one of the women he'd been cheating on me with.

For the record Beau isn't a bad person, he's never treated me badly, I mean ok the not talking to me isn't great but I don't think he does it as a malicious thing. But I think past experiences of staying in unhappy relationships have made me question my (and his) current happiness.

I think also it can make people think they're not worth anything better.

Now I realise I am sounding more and more like a l'oreal advert with every post :rotfl:.

System

lostinrates wrote: »

It's not been very long since you met really. Forgive me, but while the early days might be full of passion IMO they should feel heavy with drama, every thing should feel surmountable.

How long has it been? Could it be the six monthish hormone drop?

There is a reason lots of relationships drop under a year, then at around a year.

Lol it's been 3/4 months

It shouldn't be like this. And to be honest I rushed into another long distance relationship. My mum was always saying I need to find a guy that actually lives in the same city. Maybe she had a point (not in that if be looking for anyone just that distance can be an issue).
There are other issues involving his family and an ex which I do t want to get into but for those reasons we aren't even openly in a relationship (bloody Facebook -his still says single), and I think I struggle with feeling like some dirty little secret, though I understand his reasons.
I just need some time to think and clear my head.

codemonkey

MU - Before I met DH I had a relationship with a very messed up guy. He treated me badly but I liked him so much, I let him. In hindsight, I was an idiot but I didn't think I was worth anything better and I made excuses for his behaviour because he was so screwed up and when were together he was so nice to me (he didn't hit me or anything, he just didn't think about me if we weren't together. Looking back he pretty much just used me for sex if there wasn't a better option.). Eventually I just got fed up with it and gave him one last chance, but I didn't tell him that. I deleted his number from my phone and waited to see if he'd contact me. He didn't. I got an apologetic email from him about 6 months later saying he'd found someone else and was just too scared to tell me. I'm not saying this is what is happening with your beau because its probably not, but maybe it would be good for him to have to chase you for a change.

lostinrates

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Lol it's been 3/4 months

It shouldn't be like this. And to be honest I rushed into another long distance relationship. My mum was always saying I need to find a guy that actually lives in the same city. Maybe she had a point (not in that if be looking for anyone just that distance can be an issue).
There are other issues involving his family and an ex which I do t want to get into but for those reasons we aren't even openly in a relationship (bloody Facebook -his still says single), and I think I struggle with feeling like some dirty little secret, though I understand his reasons.
I just need some time to think and clear my head.

I'm not on facebook, but my husband is. In that he has a facebook page he rarely looks at. His doesn't mention me at all.

Difference is I suppose, we recognise the issues with facebook and its usage and relegate its use to purely practical.

LostSoulForever

Sorry to hear of your problems MU & TL - it's good that you can share them on here & get some positive comments back.

What people have said may or may not help - just that we can support you though whatever happens .

seven-day-weekend

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

Lol it's been 3/4 months

It shouldn't be like this. And to be honest I rushed into another long distance relationship. My mum was always saying I need to find a guy that actually lives in the same city. Maybe she had a point (not in that if be looking for anyone just that distance can be an issue).
There are other issues involving his family and an ex which I do t want to get into but for those reasons we aren't even openly in a relationship (bloody Facebook -his still says single), and I think I struggle with feeling like some dirty little secret, though I understand his reasons.
I just need some time to think and clear my head.

Warning bells here - are you sure he is not married/cohabiting?

Errata

I struggle with feeling like some dirty little secret,

Shake hands and walk away, nobody deserves to be treated like a dirty little secret, but plenty of people enjoy buqqering about with other people's lives