What should I do...?

so12345

My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We have 2 children (10 and 5).

Last night he said he's done something bad and needed to tell me. Turns out that since Monday he's been in contact with some skank on Twitter and they've been sending each other sexual messages and rude pics (he says that he's sent one pic and deleted the ones from her straight away - not that it makes a difference to me). He reckons that after the first message he regretted it and was trying to back away but she was threatening him with telling me and turned a bit psycho. His words were that she was blackmailing him into carrying on the messaging (I know, I know - stupid excuse). Obviously this is the reason he told me, just in case I found out another way.

This isn't even the worst of it. Please don't judge me, nobody can make me feel any worse than I do already. I'm 5 weeks pregnant and have arranged a termination (we both agreed that it is going to be for the best, before any of this came out). I went to the doctors on Monday about it. Apparently this is the day the messaging started. I've been going out of my mind with guilt and self hatred because I will be ending a life and he is busy sending god knows what to god knows who.

He has hurt me in the past by doing something similar, about 5 years ago, but again with no physical contact (apparently). I made it clear then that if anything like it ever happened again then that's it for us. I can't believe that after all this time together he's basically made himself available to someone else and feels the need to respond to flirty messages from a stranger. Even if no physical contact has happened I feel cheated.

I don't know where to go from here. I've told him that I can't see a way forward for us now. I just feel numb, scared for the future and sorry for him because he just can't seem to help himself. And what if there's more that I don't know about? I'm obviously not worth anything to him. He's begging me not to make him go and said that he thought if he came clean about it I'd be able to understand. But how can I ever trust him again after he's let me down so badly? Can there be a way forward for us?

I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I was already going through the worst time of my life and then this on top of it. I just don't know what to do.

stormbreaker

It is escapism for him. You are hormonal. I think the fact it has only been since Monday and he is already racked with guilt that he told you, does say something for how he feels about you. He has had a moment of weakness and quickly realised following the threat of blackmail what he has to lose.

I am sure you can work things through in time. Whilst you are hormonal is not the time to make rash decisions.

Honestly is the best policy and if it come out in the wash that there is more, then may be the time to take stock.

pinkshoes

Are you sure the pregnancy hormones aren't making you over-react?

He has confessed and knows it was stupid. Hardly worth throwing a relationship away over...

Perhaps he also has some stress/feelings over the termination and this was his way of dealing with it?

j.e.j.

so12345 wrote: »

My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We have 2 children (10 and 5).

Last night he said he's done something bad and needed to tell me. Turns out that since Monday he's been in contact with some skank on Twitter and they've been sending each other sexual messages and rude pics (he says that he's sent one pic and deleted the ones from her straight away - not that it makes a difference to me). He reckons that after the first message he regretted it and was trying to back away but she was threatening him with telling me and turned a bit psycho. His words were that she was blackmailing him into carrying on the messaging (I know, I know - stupid excuse). Obviously this is the reason he told me, just in case I found out another way.

This isn't even the worst of it. Please don't judge me, nobody can make me feel any worse than I do already. I'm 5 weeks pregnant and have arranged a termination (we both agreed that it is going to be for the best, before any of this came out). I went to the doctors on Monday about it. Apparently this is the day the messaging started. I've been going out of my mind with guilt and self hatred because I will be ending a life and he is busy sending god knows what to god knows who.

He has hurt me in the past by doing something similar, about 5 years ago, but again with no physical contact (apparently). I made it clear then that if anything like it ever happened again then that's it for us. I can't believe that after all this time together he's basically made himself available to someone else and feels the need to respond to flirty messages from a stranger. Even if no physical contact has happened I feel cheated.

I don't know where to go from here. I've told him that I can't see a way forward for us now. I just feel numb, scared for the future and sorry for him because he just can't seem to help himself. And what if there's more that I don't know about? I'm obviously not worth anything to him. He's begging me not to make him go and said that he thought if he came clean about it I'd be able to understand. But how can I ever trust him again after he's let me down so badly? Can there be a way forward for us?

I feel like my world has been turned upside down. I was already going through the worst time of my life and then this on top of it. I just don't know what to do.

Kick him out temporarily while you get your head around things.

Honestly, with all you're going through with the unwanted pregnancy, and he's sexting someone on Twitter?!

Apropos the baby, 5 weeks is pretty early, but if you're feeling 'racked with guilt about ending a life' it doesn't sound like you really want the abortion.

I think you need some time alone, away from it all, to gather your thoughts and make a sensible informed decision that YOU are happy with, not a decision that's convenient for him.

KxMx

I think that as it happened in the past, and you made clear the consequences should it happen again, you need to think about what message you are giving him if you don't follow through now it has re-occurred.

I also think time and space is a very good idea.

geerex

Give the guy a break, he's been honest with you (blackmail or not) and there's been nothing but flirting. By all means put him in the doghouse but its a relatively minor infraction, not the worst thing ever considering the circumstances. You're both hurting and although you don't tell his want was going on in your life the last time he did similar, I'd bet it was due to some sort of stressful event.
It's a cry for help, not a way of telling you he doesn't love you.

j.e.j.

geerex wrote: »

It's a cry for help, not a way of telling you he doesn't love you.

A cry for help.. :rotfl:

If someone helped talk me into an abortion and then started sexting someone else on Twitter he'd be crying alright! :cool:

(I'm surmising the above ^^, based on the tone of the OP )

Mojisola

so12345 wrote: »

My partner and I have been together for 14 years. We have 2 children (10 and 5).

Last night he said he's done something bad and needed to tell me. Turns out that since Monday he's been in contact with some skank on Twitter and they've been sending each other sexual messages and rude pics

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and have arranged a termination (we both agreed that it is going to be for the best, before any of this came out).

Both of you are going through a very stressful time.

You don't sound happy with the decision you have made about ending the pregnancy. How does your OH really feel about it?

It sounds as if he's done a stupid thing but couldn't hide it from you - doesn't that say a lot to you?

Give each other a break and let the hormones and emotions settle a bit before making any serious decisions.

Mojisola

so12345 wrote: »

I'm 5 weeks pregnant and have arranged a termination (we both agreed that it is going to be for the best, before any of this came out).

j.e.j. wrote: »

If someone helped talk me into an abortion and then started sexting someone else on Twitter he'd be crying alright! :cool:

(I'm surmising the above ^^, based on the tone of the OP )

I can't see what you can see re being "talked into an abortion".

He may hate the idea but has agreed that a termination is for the best because that's what he think the OP wants.

The final decision has to be the woman's but that doesn't mean that the man isn't really upset - even if they do both think they've made the right decision for their family.

FBaby

What is your gut feeling telling you? He could be telling the truth, feeling terrible about it as much as you are, has been honest because he wants to move on and take it as a lesson.

Or, he enjoys the thrill of it all, but confessed because she really was about to tell you and he realised that this would make it much worse. He doesn't really regret it and would do it again, just being more careful about making sure he can't get caught.

Or, a lot more has happened behind your back and this is just a small part of it.

If you think it is the first one, I would try to work things out and understand how it all started in the first place.

If it is two, I would boot him out to give him a chance to appreciate what he is about to lose, but ultimately would try to see if there is something going on that can be salvaged.

If three, I would accept he is not the man you thought he was and forget about him for good.

j.e.j.

Mojisola wrote: »

I can't see what you can see re being "talked into an abortion".

He may hate the idea but has agreed that a termination is for the best because that's what he think the OP wants.

The final decision has to be the woman's but that doesn't mean that the man isn't really upset - even if they do both think they've made the right decision for their family.

It was this part:

I've been going out of my mind with guilt and self hatred because I will be ending a life and he is busy sending god knows what to god knows who.

..speaks volumes, imo.

But you may be right. Perhaps he is doing it to get back at her.

Seems that there's immature behaviour on both sides. I hope they can manage to sort something out.