Mother expecting me to move back in, help!

BWZN93

Another voter for dont go back. She's old enough to be responsible for herself. You have to go out and make a life for yourself. Even if she complains, one day she will know it was the right thing for you to do.

Peter333

PasturesNew wrote: »

As a regular, single person, living alone - ignoring any other issues, as she's over 35 she'd get the 1 bedroom LHA rate paid to her towards her rent. If her rent is so low, it's possible that it might be enough to cover her whole rent. You can find out how much the 1-bed rate is by typing the postcode into https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/Secure/Search.aspx

There's some rule about kids going to Uni and being able to hold onto their room for the purposes of LHA, for an amount of time - look into that. That is assuming that your brother is going away. If he's staying at home, then his grants/loans will be enough for him to pay rent wherever he is living, so if he's living at home he can stump up some cash for his rent/food/bills at home.

Now, for benefits, the regular JSA amount for a single person of your mum's age is over £70/week, so over £300/month.

Then there are council tax benefits that might pay all/most of that too.

She's pulling the wool over your eyes really. Those are the minimums she'd get - and if she's too ill to work etc she'd get another fistful of cash on top of that.

She's got used to receiving the generous "has kids" benefits and wants them to continue rolling in even though you've all left. It doesn't work like that. Being single and unemployed's a meagre existence.

This ^^^

I feel a bit bad about my original post, but it just made me angry that this grown woman was trying to manipulate and emotionally blackmail her adult children into living with her to support her.

I still stand by much of what I said, but also I feel that she may be doing it because she feels vulnerable and alone and she is skint too, which can't help. (Although her spending money on booze is not doing her any favours!)

I guess I have been fortunate to have not ever been unemployed or single, and therefore have never been in the same position as your mother. So it's wrong for me to judge. And I know several people who have been single and unemployed, and it has been a grim existence for them, so I shouldn't have been so harsh.

Howeverrrrrr..........

You STILL should not move back. But maybe try and help her when you can, and give her support when you can, but make it clear to her that you are not going to move back in. Don't abandon her (not that you were going to anyway,) but don't let her rule your life either.

Buzzybee90

£350? Where on earth does she live?!

OP you are your own person, live your life.

bagpussbear

No you are not being selfish OP. I think it would be unhealthy for you to move back, and doesn't help your mum over her problems. Like you say, at some point you'd have to move out and live your life.

What stands out for me is the fact she won't have enough money to live, and yet you say she is drinking heavily. How much is she spending on booze each week/month? If she was able to tackle the drinking, perhaps there would be enough to live on properly each month?

I don't know much about benefits, but I think another step would be for her to seek proper advice about whether she is claiming what she should for her health problems/disabilities?

StuckStudent

@BuzzyBee. North Essex, I'd rather not say the town just in case anyone we know is on here and may recognise the situation. But her rent is subsidised by council, and as I said the landlord hasn't increased rent once in 10 years.

I definitely agree with the drinking/money thing, but I think it's a coping mechanism - as you all agree, being single/skint/unwillingly unemployed is a sad existence. She claims it is "her only pleasure in life", and it's a problem - but not one she's willing to change.

I'm certainly glad to hear the overwhelming agreement to not go back, thank you all

Mojisola

StuckStudent wrote: »

I definitely agree with the drinking/money thing, but I think it's a coping mechanism - as you all agree, being single/skint/unwillingly unemployed is a sad existence. She claims it is "her only pleasure in life", and it's a problem - but not one she's willing to change.

You wouldn't be helping her by moving back home; you'd be enabling her to continue as she is.

If she won't have enough money, she'll have to address her drinking. Do what you can to help her sort out her benefit entitlement and encourage her to deal with the drinking - after that, it's up to her.

BitterAndTwisted

StuckStudent wrote: »

But her rent is subsidised by council, and as I said the landlord hasn't increased rent once in 10 years.

She might be having her rent subsidised by the Council via LHA but I can guarantee that she is not having to contribute £350 a month towards her rent out of £400 in benefits! Even if her rent hasn't been increased in ten years, LHA has, and it's possible that all of her rent is covered by it.

She's being extremely economical with the truth or she's not claiming JSA or any benefits related to her "health complications".

What did you spend all that time (and money) studying for? To return to Essex where half-decent jobs are scarce to non-existent? No, you didn't. The whole point of going to Uni is to prepare you on your path in life, not to go back to living with Mum and going on the dole. If you go back, you'll be there, trying to get a part-time job in a supermarket on a zero-hours contract until you're middle-aged.

StuckStudent

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

The whole point of going to Uni is to prepare you on your path in life, not to go back to living with Mum and going on the dole. If you go back, you'll be there, trying to get a part-time job in a supermarket on a zero-hours contract until you're middle-aged.

I'm well aware of that, thank you - hence my asking if there were any options / if I was being selfish in saying no.

I'd also appreciate any suggestions on how to say I'm not going back :c

Mojisola

StuckStudent wrote: »

Basically, I'm a student who is finishing this year, I study in London and have a job which is currently part time but have said I can definitely move to full time come the summer.

I'm 21, I have a guaranteed job at the end of my degree - its only retail, but it's enough to get by on, rent a place and save some

StuckStudent wrote: »

I'd also appreciate any suggestions on how to say I'm not going back :c

"I've got a job and will be staying here. Let's have a look at your benefits and outgoings and work out how you're going to manage."

If she starts to emotionally blackmail you, learn to put the phone down or walk away when she starts.

thorsoak

Just tell her that your job means that it would not be practical for you to come back "home" - but you will come back and see her at weekends (not every one of course) - and of course, she could come and visit you from time to time. Emphasise visit, of course!