Mother expecting me to move back in, help!

StuckStudent

Hi guys, I hope I got this in the right place!

Basically, I'm a student who is finishing this year, I study in London and have a job which is currently part time but have said I can definitely move to full time come the summer.

My mother has raised me and my brother on benefits our whole lives as she is unable to work due to health complications. My brother is 18 and off to uni this year, and thus she will lose the benefits she gets for him, leaving her with about £400 a month to pay rent, bills, food etc. The rent for her current home in North Essex is about £350 a month rent as it is, so she won't be able to afford it without help, and expects me to move back in with her to prevent her from becoming essentially homeless.

She keeps bringing it up, telling me how she's going to have to sell the car, not be able to eat, etc. Which makes me feel awful.

I'm 21, I have a guaranteed job at the end of my degree - its only retail, but it's enough to get by on, rent a place and save some - which I think would be silly to throw away to return to a small town with no job prospects. I also feel like if I move back in with her I'm only delaying the inevitable as I will not be able to live with her long term (she drinks a lot and I don't enjoy being around much) - and it would be all the more harder for me to leave come the time as then I will well and truly be leaving her in the lurch if I did decide to get my own place.
Am I being selfish? Should I move back with her, or stand my ground and be the independent young adult I kind of already am? Do we have any options? :c

Thanks

elsien

No I don't think you're being selfish. Unless either you or your brother is planning to move back home for good, this situation is going to keep coming up. Do you want to put your own plans on hold for ever, because in practice that's what it's likely to come down to.
At some point your mum is going to have to face the reality that she can't carry on as she is unless she makes some changes.
Would you be able to help her look at her incomings and outgoing, check she's getting everything she's entitled to, then look at possible options such as moving somewhere cheaper/smaller, getting a lodger, spending less on drink?
I know it's hard when it's your mum, but I think you're right in that if you do go back, it's going to be much harder to make the break a second time round.

Owain_Moneysaver

If you move back in your income may be counted as household income and so reduce the amount of benefits your mother gets.

Why can't she claim housing benefit for the rent, or if she now has two unused rooms take in lodgers?

I think it's her that needs to be an independent adult now.

Is it too judgemental of me to say that if she drinks too much she can't be that short of money?

Peter333

StuckStudent wrote: »

Hi guys, I hope I got this in the right place!

Basically, I'm a student who is finishing this year, I study in London and have a job which is currently part time but have said I can definitely move to full time come the summer.

My mother has raised me and my brother on benefits our whole lives as she is unable to work due to health complications. My brother is 18 and off to uni this year, and thus she will lose the benefits she gets for him, leaving her with about £400 a month to pay rent, bills, food etc. The rent for her current home in North Essex is about £350 a month rent as it is, so she won't be able to afford it without help, and expects me to move back in with her to prevent her from becoming essentially homeless.

She keeps bringing it up, telling me how she's going to have to sell the car, not be able to eat, etc. Which makes me feel awful.

I'm 21, I have a guaranteed job at the end of my degree - its only retail, but it's enough to get by on, rent a place and save some - which I think would be silly to throw away to return to a small town with no job prospects. I also feel like if I move back in with her I'm only delaying the inevitable as I will not be able to live with her long term (she drinks a lot and I don't enjoy being around much) - and it would be all the more harder for me to leave come the time as then I will well and truly be leaving her in the lurch if I did decide to get my own place.
Am I being selfish? Should I move back with her, or stand my ground and be the independent young adult I kind of already am? Do we have any options? :c

Thanks

NO! You do NOT owe your mother anything. And what she is doing to you and your brother, is mean and wrong.

She needs to sort herself out. If she is expecting you to move back, so she can benefit financially from you, then that is remarkably manipulative and controlling.

If she is so ill she cannot work, then surely she must be in receipt of benefits? Is she receiving housing benefit? Could she do ANY kind of work with her health condition? If not, then she needs help from the state, and she should not be expecting you and your brother to fund her and support her for the rest of her life.

You have the right to live your life as you choose, and although it's the decent thing to do, to help her out when you can, and visit her when you can, you are not OBLIGED to do anything. And as Owain said above ^^^ if she is a drinker, she obviously has SOME spare dosh!

Well done on your degree, and good luck with your future. And don't let it be controlled by your passive aggressive mother. Just speak to her and make sure she is getting the help and benefits she needs.

Kaye1

In the current countrywide situation, I think turning down a certain job would be foolish. It is all over the news how difficult it is for young people to get jobs. Surely your Mum could see that it is the best for you to take it? You are not her parent, so she can't realistically expect you to bail her out. I think it would be better to tell her sooner rather than later, give her chance to sort things out.
Hope all goes well.

Tigsteroonie

As Elsien said - provide support for her by checking her benefit entitlement (especially the possibility of Housing Benefit) and her incomings/outgoings, maybe even surreptitiously highlighting how much she spends on alcohol ... but don't move back. You have a bright future ahead, you don't have to compromise on that.

Hermia

Don't go back! I know too many people who returned home to needy parents and are still there several decades later. If you return home it will be harder to leave. Sometimes you have to think just of yourself. I have several friends with emotionally blackmailing parents and often the only thing you can do is get far away. Often to another country!

Could you and your brother talk to her about budgeting? Or about her drinking? She needs to be realistic about what she can afford. A car is a luxury and plenty of people do without. If she needs it for food shopping are there alternatives she could use? Could she move to a smaller place?

PasturesNew

If you want to get out of it, find out how much she's "short" of paying the rent each week/month and send it to her. Stay where you are.

If you go back you'll never get away and all your dreams will be dashed.

If you stay where you are, you can be sympathetic over the phone and post her a weekly cheque.

She's probably exaggerating her income shortfall to stay where she is, just to guilt trip you. Bet she gets loads of money really.

Get the facts. Be firm/strong.

atolaas

If she has health problems she could be entitled to other benefits such as ESA (if she's not already in receipt of it) or maybe even DLA. She should get in touch with her local Citizen's Advice Bureau and see what help she could be entitled to. You should take up that job when you finish your degree, we all need to start somewhere! Don't let your mother guilt you into moving home. You'll only end up resenting her as its not something that you want to do. Good luck

StuckStudent

Wow, thank you so much for all the responses so far!

Yes, she is in receipt of benefits, including housing benefit - all of what she receives comes to the £400. If she is entitled to more I'm sure she's already tried to get it.
She is very good at balancing books and budgeting, she raised us both on the little we've had - it's just with what she'll get without us isn't enough.
She could move somewhere smaller, but the rent will still be as bad - our landlord hasn't put the rent up in the 10 years we've lived in this place, hence the low price for a 3 bedroom. But I will certainly suggest lodgers to her.
Many people have tried to speak to her regarding her drinking over the years, which only makes it worse - especially for those around her when she does drink.

@PasturesNew. While my job will cover me and my rent, I couldn't stretch to paying hers too - and I kind of don't want to :c

millysg1

Now you two have moved out can she downsize and pay less rent?