Mother expecting me to move back in, help!

gayleygoo

Aside from money issues, your mother could also have fears about living on her own, when her children have flown the nest. Parents in a couple can support each other, look after each other, and make plans for the future together. Having been a single mum for many years, with health issues (and possibility of a drinking problem?), she may well be terrified at having no-one in the house with her.

None of that, of course, is enough reason to have either of her children move back in with her. As others have said, she'll need to grow up and figure it out for herself. You have your own life to make and enjoy

Person_one

Peter333 wrote: »

I know of such a lot of women who went from the school yard straight to the maternity ward, and got a council house, and have lived their life on benefits and handouts, never having to take any responsibility for anything.

They've had everything paid for them, everything done for them, their mothers looking after their kids when they go out, they always live near their parents, they spend their lives with other mums and rarely do anything other than go to Blackpool on hen weekends, and just live this life until they're 40-odd, on benefits and tax credits, sometimes with more surplus income than people who work. These kind of women are usually quite childish too, and get involved in lots of petty bickering, and facebook wars. The kind of behaviour you see on Jeremy Kyle. Because they have never grown up.

<snip>

The OP's mother is 56, therefore she had her children in her mid to late thirties, so while this you've painted a very vivid picture of this particular stereotype its not really relevant here.

duchy

StuckStudent wrote: »

She's in private, she did try to get social instead as the landlord holds the not upping the rent against her in other ways, but they declined as she has no young children/dependants and is not homeless.
It's difficult as her problem is her back vertebrae are sitting on each other, trapping nerves, some days its good others its bad and they've tried numerous things to fix it to no avail - and they've only recently addressed her hip complaints and say she needs a hip replacement.
She could perhaps get office work, she did volunteer at a homeless charity last year for a while in their reception - but she argues that she wouldn't be paid as much as she receives as benefits? Im unsure what benefits she gets in regards to health, or if it's purely JSA.
She'll have 2 unoccupied rooms from September.

Thank you, your reply is very helpful

She'll be subject to "bedroom tax"so either taking in lodgers or downsizing makes more sense .
Frankly the arguement that she'd get no more working than or benefits is an empty one - Why should taxpayers support your Mum just because she can't be bothered working. She needs to get off her bum and take a bit of responsibility instead of dumping it all on the taxpayer and or her adult kids.

If she's 54 she needs to be talking to the council as "older persons" social housing often starts at 55 and she'd be far better off in a smaller and more economical property.

If you were to be pressured into going home - you'd simply be delaying the inevitable. Quite why any mother would want their son or daughter to go home at the expense of a job is beyond me. One of my best friends is in the same situation as your Mum - the oly difference she's in work (but low paid so probably no better or worse off than your Mum financially). Her younger son is away at uni and her eldest just graduated and has a job -she has lent him her car long term doing without it herself to make it possible for him to get to and from work. That's what parents do -they make things possible not try to make things impossible.

As for what you tell her and how ..... "Mum I have a job offer in London and there's no work down here so I have no choice"

.

Jagraf

OP do your own thing.

Don't think that because your mum brought you up that you need to feel guilty - that was her choice.

Loving your parents is one thing, feeling emotional guilt for them is another.

My parents are in their seventies and they go out of their way to tell me they are fine and I have to dig really deep to try to get them to tell me if they need help.

You could sit down with her and help HER to find a solution, she will find one if she has to.

Well done with your studies. Now is the time to do things your way x

Morglin

OP - it's a bit confusing as to what benefits your mum is on. If she were on JSA, at her age, with no young children, I would imagine she would have been having interviews, at the Job Centre, with a view of getting her back to work or into training anyway.

If she can, a job might be good anyway, with regards to the social side of things, and not being lonely in an empty house.

If she is on health related benefits, then someone, via the Turn2us site, could check she is claiming all she entitled to, as there are 'premiums' attached to certain benefits that bring in extra money/concessions.

http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx

I certainly wouldn't move back, but perhaps either you, or a local Welfare Rights could help her make the best of things, for the future.

Older Persons housing is gradually being phased out, in most areas, but some HA's do have properties for over 40's, with no resident children, although the waiting lists can be long, unless there are substantial health issues.

Good luck.

Lin

BigAunty

StuckStudent wrote: »

She's in private, she did try to get social instead as the landlord holds the not upping the rent against her in other ways, but they declined as she has no young children/dependants and is not homeless.
...
She could perhaps get office work, she did volunteer at a homeless charity last year for a while in their reception - but she argues that she wouldn't be paid as much as she receives as benefits? Im unsure what benefits she gets in regards to health, or if it's purely JSA.
She'll have 2 unoccupied rooms from September.

As suggested by a previous poster, she needs to find out from the council who pay her HB if your brother can still be considered as occupying the property because there is some kind of rule about Uni students.

Secondly, there is something called 'discretionary housing payment' which councils have to help out those experiencing a shortfall between their rent and their HB. It's a temporary sum, not everyone gets it, but its designed to help prevent a tenant getting into arrears while they look for somewhere cheaper. Ask on the benefit forum about these.

Thirdly, get her to contact Shelter to see if she can appeal being rejected for social housing or to examine the criteria for it. Councils are supposed to take into account disabilities and health issues that make a person more vulnerable to homelessness, its not just about dependents. See the Shelter website and your council homelessness policy. That said, if she's not on sickness/disability benefits, then this might make her case harder (and it doesn't mean everyone with a health/disability issue gets social housing either).

Lastly, some councils run deposit guarantee schemes and can pay the deposit to a landlord which may help her downsize to a 1 or 2 bed property. Look at their website. She can't hope to afford a 3 bed private property on JSA and even with more generous ESA/PIP, it will be an immense struggle. That's the reality. Your local council website will show how much Local Housing Allowance (HB rates for private sectors) are for a 1 bed place.

This is why it is important for you to find out what benefits she is on. If she's on JSA, she will have to sign on every 2 weeks and prove that she's looking for work. Moaning that the wages are low won't get her anywhere.

In the past, it was relatively easy to claim Incapacity benefit but that is being phased out in favour of ESA. The latter is much harder to get. It assumes that some people with health issues have capacity to do some kind of work, it's about looking at their capabilities. Long term IB claimants have usually absorbed the message that they cannot work at all (because that's what the benefit indicates) so they cannot adjust to ESA when it says they can do certain types of work despite their illness. They have written themselves off.

margaretclare

I think what many people don't realise is that going to university changes you. Not only the direct effect of the degree certificate and the letters after your name. It changes you in every way, sometimes very subtle ways.

You've been doing degree studies in London and your mum expects you to move back to a small town in north Essex. Some of these are very rural and although close to London in miles, could be in a different universe. Plus, you have a job offer, which is like gold-dust in these times.

If you accede to her expectations you could end up being trapped. She'll always expect you there as she gets older, always making up for income loss, always dancing attendance on her. The wider world out there, which university studies have opened up, will be lost to you. Don't do it.

HTH

belfastgirl23

You need to be clear that you aren't coming back asap to give your mum time to get used to things. It's easy to put this off but the longer you do the more fixed in her mind it will be that this is the solution. And you should not go back, obviously. It's not often everyone agrees on something here but everyone is agreed on this.

This is an opportunity for your mum to make some changes. Can you help her to start seeing this positively? For the first time in her life she's free of caring responsibilities. Does she want to keep living in the same area? What is her vision for the rest of her life? It might also be worth doing a bit of surfing to see if there might be for example a local women's centre who could help her to see what her options are.

This will be a scary time for her, but sometimes it's necessary to get a bit scared and out of your comfort zone in order to grow. In not going home I'd say you are also potentially doing what is best for her as well as yourself. At some stage you will have to leave home for good. If you don't do it now, next time around she will be older and probably drinking more heavily (since these things rarely become less of a problem if the person won't acknowledge it).

Good luck!

RAS

duchy wrote: »

She'll be subject to "bedroom tax"so either taking in lodgers or downsizing makes more sense .

The "bedroom tax" applies to social housing tentnat not private tenants

OP - you need to find out what the Local Housing Allowance is for a 2 person family and a one person family where you mother lives (use the link quoted by PasturesNew earlier).Which applies depends on whether she can have a room for your brother becuase he is a student.

Your mother will some support for Council tax (and should be claiming single person rate anyway if your brother is a student).

And she will get some sort of maintenance support whether that is JSA, ESA or DLA (or the newer PIP).

duchy

RAS wrote: »

The "bedroom tax" applies to social housing tentnat not private tenants

Regardless paying rent (subsidized or not) on a three bedroom property with only one adult living there makes no sense.