Mother expecting me to move back in, help!

saterkey

feel quite sad when I read this post as my oldest has just gone to uni, your mum must be quite scared and feeling quite lonely, as well as the money aspect. Remember she has cared for you all of your childhood and that you might find you need! to go back there if you cant afford to live, lose your job, or your circumstances change. Would you think it strange if you couldn't think you could go back if you were in trouble. What im saying is be careful how you manage it, as a parent id want mine to go out, find their future etc, but we had a chat about how she will probably come back to save up for a house deposit and find a job here. during the three years though she might find a different path who knows.


so the upshot is, do whats best for you, be supportive of your mother if you can, but if you don't wish to move back it should be your choice. people are resilient, sit down and have a proper chat, if she knows your choice then she will make alternative arrangements, move somewhere else, find a boyfriend, lodger or whatever. but best not keep her hanging on for a decision, but also don't expect your room to be there waiting for you either.


try and find your dream job rather than just a basic one with a future then you can describe your passion to her. My brother is still with my mom, hes now 38 and stuck. she said to me the other day, you tried to get him to leave his mum, oh dear god, I wanted him to leave get a house and a life and possibly a girlfriend hes not 13 years for gods sake. now my dad is ill, mum not coping and my dad wont let him out of his sight.


sad so I can see it from both sides so feel for you.


good luck

BigAunty

Peter333 wrote: »

Good point.

When the child benefit and child tax credits cease, surely her money will be made up somehow? .

No. Every year there is a stampede of new posts from parents on the benefit forum as their kids finish secondary or college level education.

Half wrongly expect that their dip in income from child benefit and child benefits is simply filled by a different benefit - this isn't the case- and they are shocked that their only option is to make changes or tighten their belt.

The other half already know there is no such replacement benefit and are shocked by the sums lost, which are also increased by reductions in housing benefit and child benefit. It is a big reduction in some cases and sometimes higher than the child can contribute towards its shortfall if the adult child is on benefits, an apprenticeship, part time employment or low college bursary.

The child related benefits the parents received were related to having dependents while having a low household income. Once the adult child is no longer classed as a dependent, it it expected that the child now contributes to the household from their employment income, student income or benefit income that they now receive directly.

Households that have a long-term benefit dependency are aghast at the notion that they should ever experience any kind of reduction in their benefits level just because their children have become older. They have many years of receiving a virtually guaranteed income and get thrown out of kilter that they no longer passively receive a fixed sum of money for that child and that their child (actually an adult) should pay them some keep. Although benefits can be a low or subsistence income, it is a guaranteed and reliable one.

This is perhaps the kind of shock that the OPs mum is going through. As her children have left and won't be contributing to the household in other ways, she has to make changes and these are probably very unpalatable to her. She probably feels she is losing her home and her kids/carers/company, as well as a steep reduction in her quality of living because of a big loss in benefit income.

To the OP - is your mum in social or private housing? do you think she is capable of any kind of paid employment? what actual sickness or disability benefits does she get? When your brother leaves, will she have 1 or 2 unoccupied bedrooms?

Remember that your mum is somehow conflating benefit issues with relationship issues - she is experiencing two separate problems.

Firstly, she has to cope with an empty nest for the first time and perhaps if you and your brother helped out a lot, she is losing her informal carers, too, and so she is worried on that front.

Secondly, she is going through a quite normal contraction in benefit income as you and your brother leave home but after many years of having a cushion provided by the welfare state, she has been protected from economic reality and is resisting it. She must now make the necessary changes to decrease her expenses (moving to a cheaper property, cutting down on bills) and/or increase her income (getting a job or lodgers). She has to make decisions and changes to live within a new budget. She has to grow up.

In her own mind, the solution is simple - you must return in order to protect her from the loss of income from benefits, to guarantee she won't have to move home. But no, there is only one real solution - making the necessary changes to suit her revised budget. This is down to her.

What she's doing is what manipulative or under confident people do . She's transferring her own specific problems onto others to fix for her.

I've seen this happen before with a friend who used to parcel out all her issues to others to resolve as she wouldn't take responsibility for herself - she wouldn't lift a phone to speak to anyone to get anything like debts or household maintenance issues, sorted out.

We had to update her CV, decorate, fix and furnish her flat, her PC, her car, her bike, loan her money, pay her debts, give her phone handsets. She wouldn't even change her own lightbulbs. The reason why people bent over backwards to do everything for her is because she painted a really convincing portrait of herself as a victim - the sob stories were incredibly powerful.

Your mum needs to take responsibility for herself. It doesn't mean you have to get angry with her but do appreciate that she's going to resist your bid for independence and is likely to be very passive about resolving her own benefit, budget, housing issues and so forth, hoping to be rescued in someway by someone else. If she's like my ex-friend (and I don't know your mum so I'm not making any assumptions) then she will have learned how to be helpless (learned helplessness) as she will have found that the less she does, the more others will pick up and do for her.

The pressure you are under is only going to get worse - expect more emotional blackmail.

kingfisherblue

If I could thank BigAunty's post twice I would.


OP, well done on your degree and on gaining employment. It won't be easy telling your mum that you won't be moving back in with her, but I do think it is necessary.


Good luck x

Bennifred

Really well explained, BigAunty!

Hermia

StuckStudent wrote: »

I'm well aware of that, thank you - hence my asking if there were any options / if I was being selfish in saying no.

I'd also appreciate any suggestions on how to say I'm not going back :c

Just say you don't want to go back and live in a small town with no job prospects when you have the chance to make something of your life.

I assume that deep down your mum does love you and want the best for you? If so, can you play on that? E.g. "Mum, you worked so hard to give me a great start in life so surely you want to see me go and make something of my life" etc.

StuckStudent

BigAunty wrote: »

To the OP - is your mum in social or private housing? do you think she is capable of any kind of paid employment? what actual sickness or disability benefits does she get? When your brother leaves, will she have 1 or 2 unoccupied bedrooms?

She's in private, she did try to get social instead as the landlord holds the not upping the rent against her in other ways, but they declined as she has no young children/dependants and is not homeless.
It's difficult as her problem is her back vertebrae are sitting on each other, trapping nerves, some days its good others its bad and they've tried numerous things to fix it to no avail - and they've only recently addressed her hip complaints and say she needs a hip replacement.
She could perhaps get office work, she did volunteer at a homeless charity last year for a while in their reception - but she argues that she wouldn't be paid as much as she receives as benefits? Im unsure what benefits she gets in regards to health, or if it's purely JSA.
She'll have 2 unoccupied rooms from September.

Thank you, your reply is very helpful

Peter333

BigAunty wrote: »

No. Every year there is a stampede of new posts from parents on the benefit forum as their kids finish secondary or college level education.

Half wrongly expect that their dip in income from child benefit and child benefits is simply filled by a different benefit - this isn't the case- and they are shocked that their only option is to make changes or tighten their belt.

The other half already know there is no such replacement benefit and are shocked by the sums lost, which are also increased by reductions in housing benefit and child benefit. It is a big reduction in some cases and sometimes higher than the child can contribute towards its shortfall if the adult child is on benefits, an apprenticeship, part time employment or low college bursary.

Households that have a long-term benefit dependency are aghast at the notion that they should ever experience any kind of reduction in their benefits level just because their children have become older.

This is perhaps the kind of shock that the OPs mum is going through. As her children have left and won't be contributing to the household in other ways, she has to make changes and these are probably very unpalatable to her. She probably feels she is losing her home and her kids/carers/company, as well as a steep reduction in her quality of living because of a big loss in benefit income.

She is going through a quite normal contraction in benefit income as you and your brother leave home but after many years of having a cushion provided by the welfare state, she has been protected from economic reality and is resisting it. She must now make the necessary changes to decrease her expenses (moving to a cheaper property, cutting down on bills) and/or increase her income (getting a job or lodgers). She has to make decisions and changes to live within a new budget. She has to grow up.

Your mum needs to take responsibility for herself. It doesn't mean you have to get angry with her but do appreciate that she's going to resist your bid for independence and is likely to be very passive about resolving her own benefit, budget, housing issues and so forth, hoping to be rescued in someway by someone else.

The pressure you are under is only going to get worse - expect more emotional blackmail.

Hi Big Aunty.

I see what you mean, and this is why I posted this later on.

Peter333 wrote: »

I feel a bit bad about my original post, but it just made me angry that this grown woman was trying to manipulate and emotionally blackmail her adult children into living with her to support her.

I guess I have been fortunate to have not ever been unemployed or single, and therefore have never been in the same position as your mother. So it's wrong for me to judge. And I know several people who have been single and unemployed, and it has been a grim existence for them, so I shouldn't have been so harsh.

Howeverrrrrr..........Don't abandon her (not that you were going to anyway,) but don't let her rule your life either.

I said I feel a bit sorry for her as her finances are being messed up and she is probably lost and lonely. Also I agree with the poster saterkey who said that the OP should be careful, as she may WANT to go home one day, and if she narks her mother off too much, she may refuse to let her back. So this is why I said be gentle and see if you can help her, but say that she doesn't want to live at home right now, as she has other plans.

I have highlighted the last phrase 'she has to grow up,' because that speaks volumes.

I know of such a lot of women who went from the school yard straight to the maternity ward, and got a council house, and have lived their life on benefits and handouts, never having to take any responsibility for anything.

They've had everything paid for them, everything done for them, their mothers looking after their kids when they go out, they always live near their parents, they spend their lives with other mums and rarely do anything other than go to Blackpool on hen weekends, and just live this life until they're 40-odd, on benefits and tax credits, sometimes with more surplus income than people who work. These kind of women are usually quite childish too, and get involved in lots of petty bickering, and facebook wars. The kind of behaviour you see on Jeremy Kyle. Because they have never grown up.

Then, as you said - they come to the point where they suddenly lose the benefits as the kids leave, and are mortified that they are no longer being kept in the lifestyle they have become accustomed to, and now have to go and actually get a job!

I may be wrong, but reading between the lines I am guessing that the OP's mother can probably work, she probably just doesn't want to, and is using her 'health issue' as a crutch.

I remember a woman me and my wife knew being forced out to work around 10 years ago, when her youngest hit 16. She was 42, single mum, 3 kids, 3 different dads, all not stayed with her longer than a year, and she had not done a day's paid employment in her life up to the age of 42.

The job centre sent her on course and helped her onto a scheme, and she got a full time job six months later. She confessed to us a year later, that she had never been so miserable. She was sick of bills and rent and getting no help anymore from benefits, and she was happier when she was on benefits. 'I could do anything I wanted, when i wanted' she whined, 'and now I can't even have a lie in in the week!'

She was often disciplined at work for time off and poor work, and was often behind on her bills, because she couldn't cope. She had spent the first 42 years of her life being carried, and taking no responsibility for anything, so could not cope with real life, even in her mid 40s. We haven't seen her for 5 years, so don't know what she is doing now.

The OP's mother fits this same kind of profile. I have known many women like this. Some men yes, but moreso women, who have been dependant on the state for many years, and literally cannot cope, and don't know which way to turn, when they have to take responsibility for their lives. As you said, they have to 'grow up.' Some people go to university at 18, or get a job, and learn to drive, and travel, and see the world, and have lots of different experiences by their mid 20s, and mature by their mid to late 20s. When people do nothing but become benefit dependent, they stagnate, and their mentality and mindset stays in their mid teens.

[Deleted User]

There are also people like me, who are carers, but benefit dependant and facing losing benefits when their older child turns 20.., but is still more dependent than usual and living at home (while going to college). He's a year behind in education., and his education costs are only going to get worse.., and I'll have less money coming in. The next year is going to be a nightmare.

Its not so easy to get a job when u haven't worked for so many years. I've tried voluntary work to get up to date experience and gave it up because my son wasn't coping with school. I'm due to try again this week. My younger son I'm pretty sure has special needs but I can't even get him assessed (been waiting a year for them to set up an assessment service in this area). So we are stuffed. The one's who will suffer most are my children. I have and can go without food.

Oh and I did do a degree.., and was a 14 hour a day almost 7 days a week workaholic before I had children. No idea my son had special needs when I had my younger son.., he was just a child who needed lots of attention.

Its not quite how the general consensus is thinking . Oh and I definitely don't drink. I know what is in front of me, and I am quietly screaming.

ashtonwn4

No you are not being selfish. At some point in your life either you or your mother are going to have to cut the apron strings. I know what mothers can be like, trust me I have one myself and sometimes they do put on the ol' sob story. Don't get me wrong I love my family but you have to do things for you. No one else.

eskimo26

deannatrois wrote: »

My younger son I'm pretty sure has special needs but I can't even get him assessed (been waiting a year for them to set up an assessment service in this area). So we are stuffed.

Have you contacted you local MP? Sometimes you have to make a nuisance of yourself and they'll deal with just to get rid of you, actually not sometimes these days it's most of the time with all the services being cut.