New Alcohol self help

ema_o

I was in tears after the phonecall to Mind, I had tried so many routes and just couldn't find the information, and I felt just like you sound. It was such a relief to find out there was a way of getting help.

If I remember right they suggested that the main person responsible could phone social services and ask for an assessment, they thought that would get the ball rolling to getting support. I would say there is no harm calling and asking them.

Hopefully someone will be along who knows a bit more about this xx

LittleMoog

Hi there,
My Dad's also an alcoholic, of many years standing. It's a horrific drain on a family. I was lucky enough to be taken in by my aunt and uncle after my mum died, but the damage he did to my brother and I before then is still hard to accept.

I would suggest ringing Al-anon, which is a helpline for those affected by alcoholism, run by AA. http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

They can offer advice on how to proceed, however if your Dad won't admit his condition, there's little any of you can do to help him.

For your mother's sanity and well being, I'd suggest that she gets him out of the house, or leaves herself if she's able, even for a short term shock? It may be enough to make him accept reality.

Good luck, my heart goes out to you.

Diane1961_2

Tough love is the only answer. You Mum is putting herself in disregard but the outcome doesn't change, and will not change. Nothing will change until your Dad chooses to take responsibility for his actions, and for as long as his family keep his head out of the water, he doesn't have to. Alcoholics will sink to surprising depths before they bottom out and we generally can't deal with the pain of watching them. Remember that they drink because they can't face how painful they find living, so choose to numb themselves and therefore don't feel, or see, the pain that their families endure.

Al-Anon and local councils seem to be the next steps. I suggest you stop focusing on saving him from drink but deal with his symptoms, and the consequences of his actions for your Mum. Guilt is for something that has already happened, and you can't change; anxiety is for something that hasn't happened, and may not. Try to stay out of judgement and remember that this is your mother's marriage and life, not yours. Keep supporting her, and him, but mostly look after yourself first. One step at a time, one breath at a time, one day at a time - just deal with now. Much love

Hectors_House

julespickles wrote: »

For your mother's sanity and well being, I'd suggest that she gets him out of the house, or leaves herself if she's able, even for a short term shock? It may be enough to make him accept reality.


Unfortunatley that might be the best thing your family can do.

My neighbour is an alcoholic. His wife enables his behaviour in ways she doesn't realise.

His condition is more acceptable I guess because he isn't violent with it but I saw how he uses it to mask some very dodgy behaviour towards women and have been on the recieving end myself when he told his wife I had asked him to have an afffair with him and pestered him for sex when he declined - all lies of course.

I don't know what will happen when he retires as he is not even trying to hide his drinking since bad-mouthing me.

Sadly, in the same conversation as asking me to have an affair with him (and me declining) he told me he was afraid his drinking was killing him and asked me if I would support him if he found a program to go into.

Part of me worries about him and wants to get him aside and ask him if he is doing anything about his drinking, but I am stopped by anger at the way he has behaved.

I don't understand why he said what he did about me but can only think that he provided him with a cover to spend more time at the bar (he can tell her he got way-laid by me and couldn't get away perhaps?).

Its a level of selfishness that I cannot understand and I dread to think what is going to unfold in the years to come when they both retire and he has even less reason to control himself.

Good luck to the OIP and her family. The AA might be a good place to get support for yourselves as it doesn't seem your father's doctor can do anything.

belfastgirl23

I just wanted to echo the advice about alanon - it's a sister organisation of AA designed for relatives and people affected by someone else's alcoholism. If nothing else you and your mum would get support and friendship from others who have been through the same thing.

I do also wonder whether he is suffering from alcohol induced dementia and whether you could see the doctor on the basis that he may have dementia rather than be an alcoholic (although I know the two are closely related).

Good luck...it's a horrible situation to be in.

Running_Horse

If he is more or less non-functioning except for what your mum does for him, then only your mum has the power to change the situation by leaving, and even that probably won't do it for a chronic alcoholic.

I get so angry by the laddish alcoholic culture promoted by certain idiots like Chris Evans, but that is another rant for another day.

carefullycautious

Im afraid it sounds like he may have either the beginnings of Korsakoffs syndrome so tough love will not work.

He really needs to have an assessment via the Community Alcohol team.

Google Korsakoffs and get the help you and your mother so desperately need

spaghetti_monster

Very sorry to read about your situation.

This is the dementia referred to earlier:
http://alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?categoryID=200137&documentID=98&pageNumber=1

My Dad has alzheimer's which is definitely made worse by drinking. (He's been a heavy drinker since he was young). His doctor recently said that the drinking was a factor and he definitely shouldn't be drinking anything anymore. In the last years I've seen him get drunk a couple of times and he got totally out of hand after only a few drinks.

Maybe as a previous poster said you could go down the route of checking with the doctor if he has a type of dementia - you might get more attention and his non-cooperation might be less of an issue?

Sorry! Crossed posts with carefullycautious!

graemecarter

I am alcoholic, and while I didn't drink like your father (I was a binge drinker, not an everyday drinker), until he is ready to stop then there is nothing that can be done to make him stop.You can only control your actions, and while I am sure it is heartbreaking to watch him drink himself into an early grave, there is no point in trying to get him to stop his drinking. Set boundaries for how you and your children interact with him, and if he crosses those boundaries (which he probably will) then walk away.
Your mother could do the same, but you have no control over how she behaves either. Thus you can only look after you and your children. And that is your priority.

I was wetting the bed into my 30s, but still didn't admit to myself I had a drink problem (I suspected I had one, but couldn't admit it to myself). I still (just) held onto my family and job when I reached my bottom, but be aware that many alcoholics will drink themselves to death before getting help. That's the nature of this illness.
He is a very sick man, and it's not his fault that he is alcoholic. He just is. All you can do is pity him, support your mother, and show as much compassion and understanding as possible (that doesn't mean you are condoning his drinking at all BTW)

Good luck - I know many people who speak very highly about Al-Anon. They are the experts in this kind of thing.

mandi

Its well known on the boards that my sister is an alcoholic

Op were is you dad getting his Vodka from ? does he buy it himself , or does your mum buy it for him ?

The reason I ask is for years my mum & I didn't want the embarrassment of a family member falling over drunk in a shop , sometimes she begged for hours for us to buy it until we caved in .
In doing so we fed her habit .

After many years of faked suicide attempts , harassment , and violence from her I decided enough was enough . Her habit not only ruined my relationship with my family , and my friends , but my children's relationship with their grandparents .

My mother by this time had developed co dependency with my sisters habit

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

AA is a complete waste of time unless you dad wants to attend and by the sound of your OP he is a very long way from even thinking about it .

My advice to you would be to support your mum as best you can , but you have to look after yourself too.

If you mum is buying the Vodka she must stop even if it means him going out and buying it himself .
My sister ended up in prison last year & is now in a secure psychiatric unit .

I fully understand how you feel and you have my sympathy , but it is a route you dad has chosen to take , and until he decides to change direction none will change his mind :A