Girlfriends brother is taking out a loan for his wedding through her?

Barneysmom

It's simple. Say no, and gauge her reaction. You need to know that her family isn't going to control your future - and that her family know you two are living together. You're not a sordid secret, you're her partner for life, her future husband.


There's something I don't understand about all this.


You're living together, you share the same bed and do what most couples do, and you're planning on spending the rest of your lives together, but you can't discuss things like this without discomfort?

LandyAndy

DaveTheMus wrote: »

A son that buys an 11 year old BMW 3 Series for 40 grand and a Girlfriend that is going to loan her idiot brother £6 grand for a wedding...

Have you got a sister that's buying some timeshare in Aviemore or a nephew that's just inherited some money from a long lost Cousin that he never knew about but just happens to be based in Lagos?

I was about to point this out.


This OP is a troll well known on the motoring board under a number of names.


Not saying posters shouldn't reply to him but......

FBaby

I want to help her, but I think her priority seems to be towards her family rather than me and it hurts.

You want to help her to suit you (your worry), not her. You say you want to marry her, have you discussed how you will deal with finances? You say you pay 50/50, do you have a joint account?

Could the tension that seems to be errupting be due to different view of your share money? Could it be that she considers that what she does with her money is her issue whereas you see it more a joint thing? Until my husband and I married, we were not party to each other's disposable income and would have seen it fit to decide what we wanted to spend our money on. It is a bit different now that we are married, but if my husband had wanted to lend money to his family before, he wouldn't have appreciated me butting in after he told me that he had already made up his mind. Maybe she sees it the same way. Have you discussed marriage yet or it is something you have just thought of?

jobbingmusician

Actually I feel different from most of the posters on here. I am a British woman married to a half-Maltese man, so am not arguing from an Indian perspective.

However, the OP is proposing to marry a traditional Indian woman. Traditional in that she is prepared to support her family, and (presumably) shares her parents' view that it is important for her brother to have a flashy wedding. I think it is her right to believe these things (even though I don't personally agree with them) and to 'lend' her brother the money, even if she will never see it again. And if it delays your own plans as a couple, it is one of the things which comes as a package with her.

I can totally see that she feels torn in all directions, but feels that she has to do what her parents want (you don't say how SHE feels about lending the money to her bro, only that she wants to do what her parents want her to do.) If she truly feels like this, I believe it's important that you support her. (Emotionally, I mean.)

andygb

I think that the OP, has to ask his partner if they will be getting a nice big loan to fund their wedding in the not so distant future, after all generosity should work both ways.

SuzieSue

whitecloud663 wrote: »

That's definitely something for me to think about. Should I talk about this and make it clear that I don't want to be in a relationship where family interferes? Its like asking her to choose between me or them.

But unless you are going to accept her culture and that her family will interfere even when you are married, then you will have to ask her to choose between you and her culture/family.

I had an Indian friend whose own mother didn't want her to marry an Indian guy because she said that it would be like marrying his whole family as they would interfere with their lives.

This won't stop when you get married, if anything, it will get worse so you need to decide if you are prepared to put up with it.

pinkshoes

Given you already have a mortgage, can she actually borrow any more money on her income??

I would sit down and show her how much it will cost each month, assuming she will not get the money back...

I would also make it clear that if he does not pay the money back, it will then jeopodise the two of you getting married.

Why cant she just tell her brother that she is not able to take a loan out due to money already borrowed for the mortgage?

If her parents want to remortgage the house, then let them. Make her see that this is a better idea...

jackyann

Whether OP is serious or not, others may read this thread for ideas.
Can I suggest something that a young relative of mine did in a slightly different situation?
Pressured to be taking a loan for his partner to "keep face" with her family, he said, quite correctly "in my culture, the only acceptable loans are a mortgage & an official student loan".
This sets the cultural expectations of both parties on an equal level and enabled proper discussion.

SuzieSue

jackyann wrote: »

Whether OP is serious or not, others may read this thread for ideas.
Can I suggest something that a young relative of mine did in a slightly different situation?
Pressured to be taking a loan for his partner to "keep face" with her family, he said, quite correctly "in my culture, the only acceptable loans are a mortgage & an official student loan".
This sets the cultural expectations of both parties on an equal level and enabled proper discussion.

Exactly. Your gf needs to accept your culture too, it can't be all about her culture if your relationship is going to last. If she just expects you to accept her culture without argument then she is being unreasonable.

FBaby

Exactly. Your gf needs to accept your culture too, it can't be all about her culture if your relationship is going to last. If she just expects you to accept her culture without argument then she is being unreasonable.

Indeed, in regards to how he expects to spend HIS money, but here we are talking about her money, so how does it work that his culture should dictate how she spends her money?