Girlfriends brother is taking out a loan for his wedding through her?

Lily-Rose_3

Well good luck with it all, but as someone already said, when people are from two different cultures, all kinds of issues can occur. Many which cannot be resolved without upsetting the family(s)

Even if she goes ahead and 'lends' him the money, what are they going to want from your G/F next?

I genuinely couldn't stand to be in a relationship where there was so much family influence/interference/control.

whitecloud663

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Well good luck with it all, but as someone already said, when people are from two different cultures, all kinds of issues can occur. Many which cannot be resolved without upsetting the family(s)

Even if she goes ahead and 'lends' him the money, what are they going to want from your G/F next?

I genuinely couldn't stand to be in a relationship where there was so much family influence/interference/control.

That's definitely something for me to think about. Should I talk about this and make it clear that I don't want to be in a relationship where family interferes? Its like asking her to choose between me or them.

ViolaLass

greenval wrote: »

How about if you work out your current income and expenditure as a couple. I don't imagine you have much of a surplus. Then explain to her that if he fails to pay her, she will be liable for the repayments still and how will that be possible on the basis of your finances?

This is a good idea. It's not reasonable for her to complain that you're being nosy - your finances are shared so this affects you too.

fabforty

FBaby wrote: »

I think you have to accept it. You are not married yet and she is free to take out any loan and do what she wants with it. It might mean that you might think twice about marrying her at least in the near future, but that's the risk she is taking.

I would normally agree with this, except for the fact that they have bought a home together. Once you have that kind of financial commitment together, you should definitely have a say in all financial decisions which will impact on both parties.


OP, I would suggest discussing your current financial commitments (income versus outgoings) and ensure that you have a fair, equitable arrangement. If she can afford to take out the loan and make the repayments should her brother default, get hit by a bus or find himself otherwise unable to pay, as well as paying her share of the bills etc, then fair enough. If he takes out the loan himself, he will be insured but she won't be. I don't think that you need to make it a 'me versus her family' conversation. Just explain that you are concerned about your own and stability as well as yours as a couple - she should understand that.

bagpussbear

I do feel for you both actually.

She feels under pressure from her family and feels in the middle of respecting your wishes and keeping her brother happy.

You, on the other hand, feel sad because she is putting her family's needs over your relationship and ultimately feel this will impact on your ability to get married in the future.

Perhaps the way to start a dialogue going is to get some facts from her about the loan - how much will be repaid monthly? over how many months? Does she anticipate it being paid off well in time before you start planning your own marriage? and, quite importantly, is there any formal agreement being drawn up about the repayment of the loan?

You mention marriage in a couple of years, but does she see it that close coming up? I wonder if she does think she will get back the money well in time before you plan yours and therefore can't see why you are getting nervous about the whole thing?

Ultimately I think you need to say that you have your doubts they will pay it back, and she doesn't get it back that she realises her own wedding might be on hold.

Then I think you need to take a step back, and let the future run its course with this. You never know, he might pay it back exactly as promised.

January20

ViolaLass wrote: »

This is a good idea. It's not reasonable for her to complain that you're being nosy - your finances are shared so this affects you too.

I agree with this! She has a financial tie to you by way of a mortgage and therefore you are linked financially: anything that affects her credit history negatively affects yours, and vice-versa!

whitecloud663 wrote: »

That's definitely something for me to think about. Should I talk about this and make it clear that I don't want to be in a relationship where family interferes? Its like asking her to choose between me or them.

I think you need to clarify this in your head first because once you open that particular can of worms......... You don't have to answer on this forum, but ask yourself if your relationship, your decisions as a couple, regarding your life together, etc has been affected by any cultural difference, specifically by the interference of her family? Would any future decisions be affected by her family? Some things in some cultures are perfectly acceptable whilst being quite horrifying in others: For instance, I was speaking to one of my pupils about her sibling born a couple of weeks earlier, and when I asked what name had been given, I was told none yet because the parents and grandparents couldn't agree on a name. To her this seemed absolutely normal, if just a little bit of a nuisance. Me? I was just thinking how lucky my ex-MIL didn't have a say in the matter!

Bella73

Sorry if this sounds strange but it sounds odd that she wishes to keep face and the pretence of wealth which not being rude but you as a couple obviously do not have...but lives with you in a mortgaged house in "sin" (I have no problem with living together as did for years lol) but in her culture which you have mentioned would go against the traditional way of life)with no hope of getting married as all the money will be going on the brother???

I am guessing her parents do not know she lives with you which is why she is really trying to keep you out of it, however, with joint finances she has little choice or are you expected to bail her out when her car needs replacing and are you supposed to pay for all of your wedding when the time comes, from what you have said I am guessing she will be taking out the loan over five years, and if he can't pay now...what about in a few months time when the first baby arrives, I think you can kiss any repayments goodbye.

You need to sit down with your girlfriend and ask her outright about your plans for the future as a couple, are you both young enough to put everything on hold for another 10 years? I say 10 because if you pay the brothers loan off in say five years, you then need to save again if you wish to get married in the same style.

What about the rest of the family if they wish to be so traditional?

Armorica

Bella - you can get away with a lot when not living in the same country...

Anyways, OP - are you from the same culture?

Essentially, there is no right answer. The size of the wedding matters in India and is pivotal for social status. Somewhere in the conversation you need to have with her, you'll need to acknowledge this and what is driving her/her brothers/her parents wishes for her brother's wedding.

But you should also just be honest with her - that you're concerned about lending a significant amount of money to her brother, and the implications for your shared future if it isn't paid back in a timely manner/at all.

From a practical level, can she afford to pay it back if he doesn't pay her? What is her expectation for her wedding - do you need to start saving now/will she have to have a small wedding because her brother had a big one that she's contributing towards funding?

andygb

I would be very wary of this, because I know what kind of a hold the male members of a family have over the female members in certain cultures.
If the male member is Asian, then the family may well respect him more than the female members (your partner OP), and expect his sister to help him out without thinking about her own welfare.
I think that you have to have a serious chat with your partner, because giving in at this stage, before you are married could put you under further pressure in the future.

DaveTheMus

A son that buys an 11 year old BMW 3 Series for 40 grand and a Girlfriend that is going to loan her idiot brother £6 grand for a wedding...

Have you got a sister that's buying some timeshare in Aviemore or a nephew that's just inherited some money from a long lost Cousin that he never knew about but just happens to be based in Lagos?