Girlfriends brother is taking out a loan for his wedding through her?

whitecloud663

Guys, I re-iterate, I know its a stupid idea but I don't have any say as its not my family. Please can I have some useful advice rather than just slating how stupid the whole wedding financials is

Lily-Rose_3

Don't know what you want us to say!

Only YOU can deal with this!

whitecloud663

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Don't know what you want us to say!

Only YOU can deal with this!

How can I open up a constructive dialogue with my girlfriend to talk about this issue? Should I involve the brother?

greenval

How about if you work out your current income and expenditure as a couple. I don't imagine you have much of a surplus. Then explain to her that if he fails to pay her, she will be liable for the repayments still and how will that be possible on the basis of your finances?

Lily-Rose_3

whitecloud663 wrote: »

How can I open up a constructive dialogue with my girlfriend to talk about this issue? Should I involve the brother?

Yes good idea. But I think you need to involve the parents too, and find out why they are refusing to contribute anything.

I am not sure I believe the parents are not paying anything.

I don't know how things work in Indian families; maybe it is expected of his sister (your G/F) to contribute. Are they going to cough up when YOU get married?!

FBaby

I think you have to accept it. You are not married yet and she is free to take out any loan and do what she wants with it. It might mean that you might think twice about marrying her at least in the near future, but that's the risk she is taking.

January20

whitecloud663 wrote: »

Guys, I re-iterate, I know its a stupid idea but I don't have any say as its not my family. Please can I have some useful advice rather than just slating how stupid the whole wedding financials is

The way I see it from what you posted, your girlfriend won't discuss it with you without getting upset and she certainly won't change her mind about taking a loan. She probably feels she is unable to refuse her parents and her brother, and she probably feels stuck between you and them.

In your position, I would ask her some specific questions: what are the terms of the loan? the monthly repayment amount? How is the brother going to pay her back? Will it be monthly dd to her account? lump sums? At the moment, you seem to be worrying greatly - and understandably - but not quite clear on the details. Make sure the loan is not secured on your property.

Sometimes, people need to make their own mistakes. We all think this is a bad idea but the brother might surprise you and pay. Or he may not and your girlfriend will realise how silly a decision this was and learn a lesson. I know it will affect you of course, but I don't think you have much say in the matter. Sadly.

My personal opinion is that as you have a financial tie together, the mortgage, she shouldn't be making this decision without fully discussing it with you first, and without your blessing, but you mentioned a different cultural background, the power of which cannot be ignored.

whitecloud663

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Yes good idea. But I think you need to involve the parents too, and find out why they are refusing to contribute anything.

I am not sure I believe the parents are not paying anything.

I don't know how things work in Indian families; maybe it is expected of his sister (your G/F) to contribute. Are they going to cough up when YOU get married?!

The parents of my girlfriend and her brother do of course want to help, but they have no cash flow/savings let alone income whatsoever. Hence why they are willing to re-mortgage their house for the wedding. Their parents are in India so I can't really involve them.

david39

There are dozens of posts on this forum where people have taken on financial commitments for relatives and then found themselves left holding the baby.
The only advice I would give is, if your girl friend is really intent on going ahead, then treat it as a notional wedding gift to the happy couple. If the debt gets paid off by her brother then that is a bonus but if he defaults then it was just an expensive wedding present.

whitecloud663

January20 wrote: »

The way I see it from what you posted, your girlfriend won't discuss it with you without getting upset and she certainly won't change her mind about taking a loan. She probably feels she is unable to refuse her parents and her brother, and she probably feels stuck between you and them.

In your position, I would ask her some specific questions: what are the terms of the loan? the monthly repayment amount? How is the brother going to pay her back? Will it be monthly dd to her account? lump sums? At the moment, you seem to be worrying greatly - and understandably - but not quite clear on the details. Make sure the loan is not secured on your property.

Sometimes, people need to make their own mistakes. We all think this is a bad idea but the brother might surprise you and pay. Or he may not and your girlfriend will realise how silly a decision this was and learn a lesson. I know it will affect you of course, but I don't think you have much say in the matter. Sadly.

My personal opinion is that as you have a financial tie together, the mortgage, she shouldn't be making this decision without fully discussing it with you first, and without your blessing, but you mentioned a different cultural background, the power of which cannot be ignored.

Thanks for that, seems sensible. I'm really in a pickle here and feel absolutely helpless. The situation has already harbored ill thoughts towards her brother and I know it isn't right but I just don't have a good impression and it will naturally affect our relationship.

You are right, my girlfriend has told me several times and I quote, 'You and my brother are eating my head in! I stuck between 2 idiots!' By that, she means that she doesn't like the fact that I'm trying to talk about the finances and she says I'm being noisy etc.

I want to help her, but I think her priority seems to be towards her family rather than me and it hurts.