Marriage woes

victory

the_money_pit wrote: »

Current unhappies.


Lack of interest in me.
Lack of interest in family stuff.
Confusing affection with sex.
Shirking responsibility.
Mean with self, money etc.
Always blaming others.
Cant be bothered attitude

Ok, well this is probably already tried but here goes ....

Get a mutual hobby/ interest/ take him out for dinner just the two of you so he has to face you/ see you, tell him where and when.

Uhm point 2- get him involved. With questions- what do you think we should eat/ drink/ do when so and so comes round, what present etc has he been consulted previously and over ruled felt undervalued and know thinks his opinion is pointless/ worthless so chooses to stay out of it and remain quiet. Has he given up by past experiences?

4. Get a board in the kitchen, write on it, tasks, point to it, x y z needs. To be done by next Tuesday, please help that make it possible, thank you.

Blaming others? Insecurity? Depression? Feels he's not heard? Needs to crawl back some control? Feels undervalued? Over ruled? Not taken seriously?

Can't be bothered? Illness? Depression? Feels life past him by and has not achieved much?

Mojisola

marisco wrote: »

The OP has shared more than half her life with her husband. No sensible person would walk away from a relationship, which has issues within it that can potentially be resolved, without first trying everything possible to work through them. Either by having totally open and frank discussions between the two of them. Or with help and guidance from an organisation such as Relate. To follow your advice would only achieve to feel avoidable heartache and regret.

Or - someone who has spent half her life trying to make a relationship work realises that she's been banging her head on a wall and walks away to freedom and happiness.

Only the OP knows whether the relationship is worth fighting for. It sounds to me as if she's done that for years and is totally worn out by the one-sided effort.

barbiedoll

the_money_pit wrote: »

Current unhappies.


Lack of interest in me.
Lack of interest in family stuff.
Confusing affection with sex.
Shirking responsibility.
Mean with self, money etc.
Always blaming others.
Cant be bothered attitude

To be honest, with what you say above, and with what you've said about the kids, I think that even if you separated, your life wouldn't be much different to how it is now. You'd just have less washing and ironing and less frustration at trying to keep a relationship going that appears to be well past it's sell-by date. (I'm sorry if that sounds rude but what are you actually getting out of being married?)

I was waiting for someone to play the "depression" card, but I doubt that if he was depressed, he would be like this continuously for 28 years. He just sounds disinterested, lazy, selfish and happy to let things slide until someone gives him a kick up the backside. You say he's selfish with money too? And not interested in his family? It doesn't sound like any of you will be missing much by not living with him.

I'm sure that the kids do love him but they probably realise what you have put up with over the years. At 50, you still have a life to live so maybe it's time to go and live it. You don't have to get divorced if you don't want to, you don't even have to leave him if it suits you to stay but go ahead and do the things that you want to do.

My sister-in-law is in a similar relationship, she long ago gave up trying to interest her terminally-boring husband into anything. She now holidays with her friends, she goes out for days and stays away for nights out. She still lives in their fabulous, expensive house and if you didn't know different, you would never know that she has a husband. It suits her to stay where she is and she lives her life how she wants. I daresay if she ever met anyone else, she would be off like a shot, but at the moment, she is happy and she is having fun. He is also selfish with money, he earns a good wage and their house was bought outright for them by his mother when they got married. Yet when she was driving a battered old Peugeot, she had to save money from her part-time job as a teaching assistant, to get the MOT done! :mad:

pickledonionspaceraider

The passing of your birthday has made you dwell, I think, on the passing of many unfulfilled years.

I do not know the answer to be honest, and can totally see where you are coming from. You don't want to be feeling like this on your 60th if/when he does the same

It is clear you need to do something, but what, I do not know. I would try speaking to him, if that did not work, I would try shock tactics - I.e start going on holiday without him, and give him no notice I was going etc.

If something doesn't change, you will resent him eventually I feel

I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do.

I am in my minds eye, thinking of you as Shirley Valentine

Jagraf

Is there a possibility your whole life is changing and its not really him, he's just part of the issue? I mean this positively, maybe you both need to turn a corner and reassess your lives x

Raspberry_beret

That sounds really tough. I wouldn't blame you at all for initiating a split - do you think he'd mind? Or is he just carrying on becauase it's the easiest thing to do? Did I read right also that you both work full time but you do all the housework etc? Do you think he is capable of meeting you in the middle and showing some love/affection/thought towards you?

Your post reminded me of a certain type of marriage counselling thing I read about a while back - might be interesting:
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/dec/28/mission-to-save-marriages
I think I'd at least want to have a final final, last ditch attempt at saving the marriage but I think you need to do something - whether that is planning for a separation or counselling. Like you said, you don't want to end up back here in a few years time with more years wasted, more resentment etc.

cavework

OP
daft question but here goes..
are there any mundane , easily forgotten things that your OH does on a day to day basis that you now overlook.
Is he a kind and caring Dad?
Is he loyal, trustworthy and would he fight your corner if he thought someone had upset you?
What are the things about him you love and would miss if he wasn't there anymore?
Big one off shows of affection are easy
xxx

the_money_pit

Back again, just tried in the cold light of day to have a conversation about how I'm feeling. As predicted ending in blame throwing, apparently I'm impossible, hard to please etc etc. OH states that he goes to work, stresses about money and doesn't cheat and I am ungrateful.
I pointed out that I also go to work , bring in money, and so is that enough. He has stormed of to sleep in spare room after telling me to do whatever I want so ........... no surprise really.
I just don't need this s**t anymore. My tether is reached.
So as last poster asked, "does he do anything mundane" yes he does lots of mundane things, he goes out to work, he brings in money, he makes breakfast at weekends, he washes dishes, he feeds dogs and probably more but does that make a meaningful relationship?? I don't think so.
Im actually really mad now but in the morning he will get up and pretend all is normal and I'm back to square one.

cavework

Time to move on then OP.. I think you already have accepted this is the way to go


I did it 24 years ago with no regrets and never looked back BUT you have to be absolutely certain this is what you want.
Good luck and I hope everything eventually works out for you
xx

JIL

Your husband likes a quiet steady life. He sees you as being the controlling one and he is happy to let you take on that role. I would take a guess that you make the majority of the household decisions. Make the tea and decide what he will be eating.

I would guess that by asking him about the Christmas market he thought in the back of his mind that he didn't have to do anything as you would sort it yourself.

Do you do anything together? You have been together 28 years, how do you best make him respond, does he listen if you discuss things, can you go out for a meal and chat? Or does it take a full blown shouting session from yourself to make him take notice? If you start shouting does he just strop off avoiding the confrontation?

You really need to get your point across otherwise he will just carry on like he does now.

You cannot carry on until your daughters wedding it will just build up more resentment and make you more unhappy.

If you love him try putting some fixes in now. Get him out of his comfort zone that he thinks he's in.