Marriage woes

Mojisola

fivetide wrote: »

I didn't mean the OP, I meant you

Wrong there too. 30+ years and counting for us.:)

She also says he is kind and loving. So the above is in your opinion only.

I've only quoted the OP's own words so not my opinion. I do struggle to see how someone can be "kind and loving" and also "mean, self centred and thoughtless".

My opinion is try counselling. Let's leave it at that as I don't want to derail the thread debating with you.

A range of people will give the OP a range of opinions. She will chose the course that she wants to take.

the_money_pit

She also says he is kind and loving


kind and loyal

pmlindyloo

I also feel that marriage counselling might be helpful.

The problem is getting him to go, I suspect!

What I am about to say is not to be taken as a criticism of you so please do not be offended.

You say 'I am a strong, intelligent woman with fantastic children and a good job. I am very capable and have turned my hand to many things over the years'.

I wonder how your OH sees you? Perhaps he doesn't see it as a problem that he doesn't show his love for you by buying presents/getting involved in making plans as he knows you are capable and strong?

Many men like to be wanted/needed and this is sometimes shown in their picking, what we might call, 'silly, weak women' who can't do a thing for themselves. The 'hunter/provider/ instinct springs to mind.

This is also shown in women who continue having children because they love the feel of being needed/wanted and, to some extent, being the centre of attention.

Perhaps, (and this is where you might feel offended) your strength and ability to improve your life has left him feeling somewhat 'useless'. He may feel that you no longer 'need him'.

Of course this may not even be obvious to him but has just developed over the years and has now become deep rooted and difficult to change.

As women have gained more independence and are no longer the 'little housewife' some men have found it difficult to cope and instead of marriage being a partnership they recede into the background and allow the seeming more capable one to take over and they, in turn, become the 'silly, useless one'.

Is this making any sense to you?

I also wonder about your OH's job? Is it a manual one? I have noticed men who have very physical jobs often are physically exhausted as they get older and get home just to slump in front of the TV with no energy for anything.

In the end it seems that your roles have reversed and you may need to try and find a way to balance things out.

Talking to your OH is the obvious first step but try to pick a time when you are both not tired. Conversations like this are not easy and can easily descend into moaning about each other so the conversation has to start positively........you chose him so what attracted you to him in the first place? Maybe an option might be to put the blame on yourself. 'I know that I am................ how can I change? The this might naturally lead onto his saying ...............

This may all be totally irrelevant to your situation. He may never change because it has evolved over a long period of time and it is so deep rooted. He may need sharp shock treatment - leaflets left around about separating.

Only you know how far it has gone and whether it can be revived by a change of tactics or whether you need to move on.

I always think it is worth a try to save a relationship, especially when there are children but only you can weigh up whether it is worth it.

I also believe that you only have one life to live and deserve the best.

victory

Apart from made to feel special at xmas, birthdays, celebrations what else causes you unhappiness?

Could you make up a list of things that would make you happy that your OH did for you? Would it be long? Was it there before?

Could you see yourself giving your OH the list and trying to work through one by one the list together?

Do you know if there is anything that your OH would like to change that you have refused to/forgotten about/can't?

The relationship does not sound 50/50 was it ever?

If you were to leave and find another person what would be the things you could not live without?

victory

Pollycat wrote: »

I'm going to ask what I always do on these type of threads:
"Have you talked to him about the way he treats you?"

If you haven't then you need to.

I understand that but often with these threads the reason they are posted is because the person feels lonely, rejected, unhappy, has often tried to talk to the person that is causing the pain but is not getting through, cannot be heard, is not being listened to, nothing changes so they give up and come on here to see if anyone can help, desperate for some unbiased opinions:)

CH27

Feeling worthless & disregrded when you always make a fuss of them on their birthday & christmas hurts like hell.

the_money_pit

Again thank you for taking the time to reply.
So to address some of the points made, and by the way I don't feel offended, I'm very grateful for outside perspectives.
How does my OH see me - despite my return to uni 8 yrs ago this was my second degree and career so I was an intelligent, strong person when we met. He supported my choice to return to uni and certainly my financial input has been welcomed.
Is he unhappy?? I suspect he is very unhappy but will he do anything about it, apart from bury his head in the sand and blame me no. I believe he would put up with anything to avoid confrontation so when I try to talk to him about relationship stuff he freaks out and I end up feeling very guilty.
He is not an emotional person - he thinks he shows love through sex but actually whilst I agree that he loves sex I don't experience it as loving me, if you know what I mean.
I am closer to the kids because I am the mum and I do the talking thing but they love their dad very much. The older two I think have an idea that things are not good and that makes me sad. My youngest (14) I feel is aware of something, but also his upbringing has been slightly different to the rest as I have been working and despite doing all I can he hasn't had as much attention as the rest - this is the type of area that I need OH to step up.
As I said previously, my 50th may be a catalyst in a life re evaluation way but the issues I have mentioned have been around for 25+ years. I think I have always lived in the hope that it would improve.
Now I'm not so sure but almost afraid that this blip will pass and we carry on for another few years to be back here again.

the_money_pit

victory wrote: »

Apart from made to feel special at xmas, birthdays, celebrations what else causes you unhappiness?

Could you make up a list of things that would make you happy that your OH did for you? Would it be long? Was it there before?

Could you see yourself giving your OH the list and trying to work through one by one the list together?

Do you know if there is anything that your OH would like to change that you have refused to/forgotten about/can't?

The relationship does not sound 50/50 was it ever?


.




If you were to leave and find another person what would be the things you could not live without?

Current unhappies.


Lack of interest in me.
Lack of interest in family stuff.
Confusing affection with sex.
Shirking responsibility.
Mean with self, money etc.
Always blaming others.
Cant be bothered attitude

TBagpuss

I do think that looking into marriage counselling would be a good place to start. - You'v told him how you feel, and his response has been to suggest that you are difficult to please - it may be that he would pay more attention if someone else was challenging him about his attitude.

it doesn't sound to me as though you are difficult to please, or in any way unreasonable,but even if you were, that is not really the point. He is not married to the (hypothetical) person who would not mind having their birthday forgotten or overlooked, or being left to always be the one doing certain tasks, He is married to you, and those actions are hurting you. As your husband, it is reasonable for him to take account of how you personally feel, not how some hypothetical other person in a similar position might feel.


It can be quite useful to sit down, make a list of things you do like / love about him and about your relationship and your lifr together, and then a list of the things you don't like. See how they compare.

Think about specifics that would need to change for you to feel you could go on in the relationship. You don't necessarily share those lists with him, but they may help you to identify which things you most want to change, and whether you feel that the relationship is salvageable.

marisco_2

Mojisola wrote: »

How have you put up with this life for 28 years? Make the break.

The OP has shared more than half her life with her husband. No sensible person would walk away from a relationship, which has issues within it that can potentially be resolved, without first trying everything possible to work through them. Either by having totally open and frank discussions between the two of them. Or with help and guidance from an organisation such as Relate. To follow your advice would only achieve to feel avoidable heartache and regret.