Marriage woes

TBeckett100

Happens a lot when the kids are grown up. It will probably get worse as the children flock the nest. I've seen it time and time again.

I think it's about time you grabbed fun by the throat. Nip down to Tesco, Veet the privet hedge and hit the town.

j.e.j.

TBeckett100 wrote: »

I think it's about time you grabbed fun by the throat. Nip down to Tesco, Veet the privet hedge and hit the town.

:eek::rotfl:

Oh Lordy.

Morglin

the_money_pit wrote: »

Hi again. Well to follow on from last night, OH went to sleep in spare room but at 2am he came to our room and unsurprisingly I was awake. We talked (I cried) for about 3 hours and today I feel hopeful.
I think I can now see the extent to which we were not communicating, I was building up quiet anger and resentment and he was so pre occupied with other stuff that he hadn't noticed.
That's no excuse but the recession virtually wiped OH's business out and recovery is very slow. So when he explained how stressed he has been trying to keep a steady income and not wanting to worry me with the situation I can understand to an extent how we have ended up where we are. He has always been a great provider and I think his self worth has taken a real battering.
He was aware that things between us were bad but he didn't know what to do. I can see that my part, brooding anger, was probably/definitely contributory in that I expected him to know what I hadn't actually told him.
So anyway, we have agreed to try very hard to salvage our marriage. 28yrs is a long time and it hasn't all been bad. I don't think any relationship can sustain itself without hard work and maybe we just haven't put in any of that recently.
I am not saying all is forgiven and forgotten, far from it, and I have made it clear that unless things improve we may not have a future together and he agrees but at least we're in a place of hope as opposed to yesterday.
Thank you all soooooo much, its very difficult to share a situation like this with friends or family as they cannot be objective so all your inputs have been gratefully received.

Good luck, with however it all pans out.

Lin

meritaten

Good luck - and keep communicating! and perhaps TRY to recapture what brought you together?

gayleygoo

OP I was reading through the thread, and was happy for you to see your last post - maybe there is some hope after all!

I can relate to the lack of communication/pent-up frustration thing (and I've only been with OH ten years), it's not easy getting emotions out in a calm, sensical way when you worry the other person won't take you seriously anyway.

I know it's a minor detail, but you mentioned about not feeling loved during sex - maybe you can explain to your hubby that men and women experience sex in different ways. Men tend to associate sex with love, and it makes them feel loved. Women tend to need to "feel" loved before they can enjoy the sex (I may well be generalising here, but it seems to be the consensus among friends!), so you do need the occasional treat or thoughtful gesture to feel turned on. Point out you don't necessarily need money spent on you, it's the thought that counts - the lack of which hurt you on your birthday. Some men seem to think you should be thrilled just at the offer of sex!

Perhaps some relationship counseling could make a difference. I wish you all the best and hope you have many happy years ahead with your husband.

Caroline_a

I was married to a man just like this. He differed in one respect in that he just liked to be on his own. So, I would be in the living room with the children and he would be outside messing about in the shed/upstairs in the attic, etc. He would go along with anything I organised, but was always less than enthusiastic, yet never organised anything himself. My 40th birthday present from him was a card picked up from the garage on his way home (on the day) and a 'oh well we don't bother with presents do we?'

Eventually the straw broke the camels back and I served him with divorce papers. He seemed fairly ambivolent, and I thought I'd done the right thing. Then a close relative told me to try again, and so I did. I sat him down and did the proper 'this is where it's going wrong for me.... now tell me where it's going wrong for you' talk. He thought that everything was fine, but said he would work on the things that bothered me.

Nothing changed. 5 years after this I left him and we were divorced. OP, I hope that your issues have been solved, and I wish you luck - unfortunately for me they weren't.

fivetide

duchy wrote: »

If someone "isn't interested" and sees nothing wrong with their marriage then why on earth would they agree to counseling .

Stop trying to bend the scenario to make digs at people -it is neither helpful or nice.

Quite honestly though I'm not sure if he is "kind and loving" as the OP's own description of his behaviours appear to describe a man who is anything but.

Who rattled your cage? No offence but I wasn't making 'digs' at anyone - unlike your post.


I simply made a point which was interpreted wrongly and I explained myself nothing more.


My premise was that going straight to divorce as suggested by some on here was the wrong move. It seemed to me that trying to talk, make the OH understand that things weren't ok was a better option and....

I think I can now see the extent to which we were not communicating, I was building up quiet anger and resentment and he was so pre occupied with other stuff that he hadn't noticed.....So when he explained how stressed he has been trying to keep a steady income and not wanting to worry me with the situation I can understand to an extent how we have ended up where we are. He has always been a great provider and I think his self worth has taken a real battering....So anyway, we have agreed to try very hard to salvage our marriage. 28yrs is a long time and it hasn't all been bad. I don't think any relationship can sustain itself without hard work and maybe we just haven't put in any of that recently.

So in summary I was bang on and your misplaced support for the "go straight to divorce" was neither helpful or nice.


Do try to have a good day now and please consider the context next time

blueneleh

OP - after reading through all the posts I'm really glad to hear that you and OH have managed to have a good talk and you feel more hopeful.

It's so common to withdraw into yourself when feeling stressed and to try not to worry the other person in your relationship, but ultimately that does cause tension as you have experienced.
I think it's great that you've both managed to talk about this and see things from the other's perspectives (and where you both may have added to the situation).
The key is communication but it's not always easy to remember this!
I wish you luck for the future and hope it all works out well for you

Mojisola

fivetide wrote: »

My premise was that going straight to divorce as suggested by some on here was the wrong move. It seemed to me that trying to talk, make the OH understand that things weren't ok was a better option

I can understand why the OP would want to make one last effort but the most likely result will be the same as Caroline's experience.

Caroline_a wrote: »

I was married to a man just like this.

Eventually the straw broke the camels back and I served him with divorce papers. He seemed fairly ambivolent, and I thought I'd done the right thing. Then a close relative told me to try again, and so I did. I sat him down and did the proper 'this is where it's going wrong for me.... now tell me where it's going wrong for you' talk. He thought that everything was fine, but said he would work on the things that bothered me.

Nothing changed. 5 years after this I left him and we were divorced. OP, I hope that your issues have been solved, and I wish you luck - unfortunately for me they weren't.

The OP's husband isn't someone whose behaviour has changed in recent years because of stress/anxiety/boredom/whatever - he has always been like this. Like Caroline's husband, he probably doesn't think there is anything wrong (apart from the OP being too demanding and difficult to please). Unless he has a massive lightbulb moment and changes his personality, the OP will either have to learn to live an unfulfilled life or get out of the relationship.

z.n

Hi OP. I have just read to the end of the thread and am so pleased you have managed to speak to your OH and at least make the effort to sort things out. 28 years and five children is a lot to throw in the air- with no idea of how things will land or the long-term ripples you will create.

I am going to just add an extra thought- hormones. I have noticed that my 'nesting' instinct which was so powerful when the children were young is now fading. I am more interested in me and far less bothered about looking after everyone else. I suspect this is a natural progression and age related but it does mean that things the family are used to me just doing are no longer as emotionally rewarding as they used to be. The 'ah how sweet they are' at the mess in the bathroom has become 'how much longer do I have to put up with this.'

This also ties in actually with your husband perhaps having taken very much a back seat in the household- if you were charging about heroically doing everything house and child related then best keep out of your way (and not worry you with his concerns)! Maybe you are only really just surfacing from having the children to really look at things whereas he is still simply plodding along as has been normal for the past 28 years keeping out of your way and being there when called upon.

I can't help but feel reaching this point in marriage is quite normal-sort of a post-children stage when it is natural to take stock and prepare for the 'mature' years. It is after all a natural break point. Also, the comment earlier about different views of sex-spot on. Exactly what we've worked out!

Hope it works out for you.