Marriage woes

Pollycat

I'm going to ask what I always do on these type of threads:
"Have you talked to him about the way he treats you?"

If you haven't then you need to.

Mojisola

the_money_pit wrote: »

I have been married 28yrs, just turned 50 and have 5 children ranging from 14 - 24. Our marriage has been largely "ok", no real highs and a few lows. My oh is essentially a "good" man, honest, kind, loyal etc but on the other hand he is mean, self centred and thoughtless.

As the date approached I said that I would like to visit a Christmas market in Europe as my birthday treat, we can afford it so no issue. My daughter passed this info to my OH but nothing happened.

I can no longer ignore or supress my loneliness, unhappiness or unfulfillment.

My kids constantly ask me what is wrong with him, why is he grumpy etc. The only time he cheers up is when sex is on the cards.

fivetide wrote: »

More of an issue of try as the OP admits they have spoken to their OH and he hasn't understood.

Clearly the OP needs a new approach. She admits he does love her, she just doesn't feel cherished. d70cw6 makes a good point, he might not feel the same way either, perhaps both are in a routine, nothing more.

They seem comfortably off and the OP just wants bit more excitement and thought. I don't see that being a reason to chuck away 28 years of marriage just at this moment.

I stick with my first response, give him a good honest talking to. Perhaps try to meet someone like relate too before going straight to divorce without even passing go.

A bit more excitement and thought - or to leave a life of loneliness, unhappiness or unfulfillment?

I can't see a man who can't see his wife is so unhappy and was given a specific request for her birthday but did nothing is going to change now.

the_money_pit

Thanks for all your replies, I am tired at the moment, I think my ability to make it all okay is waning.
I did marry young with very strong ideals as to what a wife and mother is and as a result I was lucky enough to be at home with my kids as they grew up. I worked part time off and on depending on circumstances. Then 8 yrs ago I returned to uni, retrained and was successful in gaining employment in a good well respected job which is my escape. So I guess I am more financially independent than ever before, I suppose this has allowed me to picture a different life.
I do not "stay" for the children however I do all I can to provide them with a stable home. My OH would probably agree that he does this also but he lives a life that avoids any confrontation including disciplining, making decisions and putting himself out there.
I believe that in order to be interesting you must be interested, my OH's favourite saying is "I am not interested", this is his excuse for most things - holidays, gardening, outings, friends, hobbies - frankly he's very boring.
I have always had friends, hobbies, outside interests etc so I guess I have found my own fulfilment in life until now.
I guess turning 50 is a catalyst. My eldest daughter gets married next year so we must remain together until after that, that's non negotiable.

fivetide

Mojisola wrote: »

A bit more excitement and thought - or to leave a life of loneliness, unhappiness or unfulfillment?

I can't see a man who can't see his wife is so unhappy and was given a specific request for her birthday but did nothing is going to change now.

Yes but you have gone straight to "get divorced" to paraphrase.


Why?


What is wrong with the OP trying to get some help at least. People complain that marriage is a throwaway thing today, this is part of the reason why.




OP also says

I was lucky enough o be at home with my kids as they grew up.

So at one point she was happy with this. As she says, being 50 has changed things. If this were a bloke we'd be saying midlife crisis and telling him to do more for his wife not saying he should walk out.


For me, this bit is crucial

he lives a life that avoids any confrontation including disciplining, making decisions and putting himself out there.
I believe that in order to be interesting you must be interested, my OH's favourite saying is "I am not interested", this is his excuse for most things - holidays, gardening, outings, friends, hobbies - frankly he's very boring.
I have always had friends, hobbies, outside interests etc so I guess I have found my own fulfilment in life until now.

So the big problem here is boredom. They do nothing together and the OP's OH doesn't do confrontation. No wonder he doesn't like actually talking about these things.


Again, unless you really cannot see a way forward for yourself OP, I would suggest counselling before a solicitor but it remains with you to decide if this, strangely ignored by Mojisola is enough to work with.

My oh is essentially a "good" man, honest, kind, loyal etc

maman

I can totally empathise with what you're saying moneypit. I was married to someone like that. In his case he didn't understand why I wanted to study, why I wanted a good job, why I wanted to meet new interesting people. All he wanted was a quiet life. He'd 'done' education, he had a well paid job.


I took the decision that I couldn't live the rest of my life with someone who was so lacking in ambition. So I left. The difference was that I was just approaching 30 not 50.

barbiedoll wrote: »

Before you decide anything, you need to speak to your husband and tell him how you feel and what you want to do about it. If you're planning a break-up, do your research and think about what you want to happen next. Do you want to stay in the house? What will happen to the kids still at home? Can you afford to support yourself when the kids are all grown-up? Are you happy to live alone eventually? Who takes care of the bills etc, are you financially "savvy"?


I wish you well, it sounds as though you are ready for a new chapter in your life, and after 28 years, it is a brave move.

I think Barbie gives you a lot to think about. Have you got a plan for how it will be if you do walk away.


I'd suggest you talk to him and tell him that if he's not prepared to make the effort to, at least, try to make life more interesting then these are the lines you're thinking along. You may feel you don't want to give him another chance, he may think it's just the big birthday that's brought it all on, but I think he deserves a chance. You may not.


Good Luck, whatever you choose.

Mojisola

the_money_pit wrote: »

My oh is essentially a "good" man, honest, kind, loyal etc but on the other hand he is mean, self centred and thoughtless.

fivetide wrote: »

Yes but you have gone straight to "get divorced" to paraphrase.

Why?

What is wrong with the OP trying to get some help at least. People complain that marriage is a throwaway thing today, this is part of the reason why.

Again, unless you really cannot see a way forward for yourself OP, I would suggest counselling before a solicitor but it remains with you to decide if this, strangely ignored by Mojisola is enough to work with.

I didn't ignore it - I read the whole sentence.

After 28 years, the OP isn't treating marriage as a throwaway thing. She says she has tried again and again to talk about the problems without success.

She says "My kids constantly ask me what is wrong with him" so it's not as if she's the only one who sees problems

If one of a couple won't talk or doesn't understand what the problems are, there's very little hope for the relationship. As his "usual reply is that I am just hard to please or that he doesn't understand what I'm talking about", he doesn't see that he has any need to change.

As she says "I think my ability to make it all okay is waning", it sounds as if the relationship has only survived this long because she has worked at it and put up with however he has behaved.

Once the partner who has held the relationship together doesn't see the point any longer, there's only one way to go.

fivetide

Mojisola wrote: »

I didn't ignore it - I read the whole sentence.

After 28 years, the OP isn't treating marriage as a throwaway thing. She says she has tried again and again to talk about the problems without success.

I didn't mean the OP, I meant you

Once the partner who has held the relationship together doesn't see the point any longer, there's only one way to go.

She also says he is kind and loving. So the above is in your opinion only.


My opinion is try counselling. Let's leave it at that as I don't want to derail the thread debating with you.

the_money_pit

d70cw6 wrote: »

do you do these things for him?

dont mean to be rude, just that it's a two way street.

To answer your question, yes I do these things for him.
While I was a say at home mum we didn't have a lot of money but I juggled things to always plan breaks away and holidays. The joke in our home was always that OH never knew where we were going until we got to the airport, this wasn't because I didn't try to get him to help planning , it was that he was not interested!
For his 30th I planned a big party and again for his 40th and for his 50th I planned a surprise trip to Europe to see his favourite band, so yes I have always been the birthday planner with the kids also. But as I said, I am not hard to please, I did not expect a big surprise from him after all these years but 5 minutes thought instead of a Tesco card the night before would have gone a long way.
I believe this recent situation is just a sign of a greater underlying problem that I have up to now struggled to address.
Please do not think that I am a weak little housewife trapped in a bad marriage.
I am a strong, intelligent woman with fantastic children and a good job. I am very capable and have turned my hand to many things over the years so I have no worries about managing on my own, my main concern is for my children and their emotional well being.
I also believe in marriage, hence 28yrs, despite being in this mindset many times before so I am not intending to end it on a whim. I'm just fed up "sucking it up."

the_money_pit

Errata wrote: »

TBH I'd just cut to the chase and tell him he's a knob. He probably won't care but it would make you feel a whole lot better.

This made me laugh!! I tend to agree.

Errata

the_money_pit wrote: »

Then 8 yrs ago I returned to uni, retrained and was successful in gaining employment in a good well respected job which is my escape. So I guess I am more financial independent than ever before,

You've been awarded a degree, you have a good job, you have financial independance. He doesn't like any of that and he's withdrawn himself from anything resembling a partnership with you.