Marriage woes

the_money_pit

I have been married 28yrs, just turned 50 and have 5 children ranging from 14 - 24. Our marriage has been largely "ok", no real highs and a few lows. My oh is essentially a "good" man, honest, kind, loyal etc but on the other hand he is mean, self centred and thoughtless.
As I say I recently turned 50, now please believe me when I say that birthdays are not a big deal to me, I have not been used to lavish or even non lavish gifts over the years but I guess part of me lives in hope. So as my birthday approached my daughter was asking "what do you want to do, do you want a party, a gift etc" and I was hoping OH would take charge and surprise me. No surprise when that didn't happen. As the date approached I said that I would like to visit a Christmas market in Europe as my birthday treat, we can afford it so no issue. My daughter passed this info to my OH but nothing happened. So my daughter was panicking that nothing being done so I saw an offer for the trip I wanted, mentioned it to OH, again nothing done, so I booked and paid for it myself. No biggy but I was disappointed.
Anyway my birthday was last weekend, my children had arranged a big night out so everyone was looking forward to this. Night before my birthday OH nipped out and returned from Tesco with a card and bunch of flowers for me. Now, please do not think I am a spoiled brat but for all the years of our marriage I have been hurt with the "night before Tesco card" lack of thought.
So, birthday came and went, kids spoiled me, OH made no effort as ever but my problem is that I feel that this is the straw that has broken the camels back. I can no longer ignore or supress my loneliness, unhappiness or unfulfillment. I just want to feel that I matter to him, I know he "loves" me but I don't feel special to him.
I have always done all the parenting, disciplining, organising and planning. I work full time as does he but I do virtually all the housework as well. My kids constantly ask me what is wrong with him, why is he grumpy etc. The only time he cheers up is when sex is on the cards.
Basically I am now becoming indifferent which I recognise as a new position for me, I am calm, not worried and thinking straight but it scares me to be thinking of "when" my marriage ends rather than "if" it ends.
Sorry for long post but I need to get it off my chest.

fivetide

I would try sitting down with him and telling him all this. Chances are he's just complacent and/or totally useless when it comes to these things.

bagpussbear

I'm going to ask probably the most obvious question here, but have you told him how you feel? If so, what was his reaction?

the_money_pit

Over the years I have tried on numerous occasions to tell him how I feel, what I need etc. The usual reply is that I am just hard to please or that he doesn't understand what I'm talking about. I don't feel that I'm hard to please, in fact the opposite, I just want to be thought about.
So I guess this time I don't even feel like explaining how hurt I feel again because I will just end up feeling very raw and being left to "suck it up" and get on.

Mojisola

the_money_pit wrote: »

I can no longer ignore or supress my loneliness, unhappiness or unfulfillment. I just want to feel that I matter to him, I know he "loves" me but I don't feel special to him.
I have always done all the parenting, disciplining, organising and planning. I work full time as does he but I do virtually all the housework as well. My kids constantly ask me what is wrong with him, why is he grumpy etc. The only time he cheers up is when sex is on the cards.
Basically I am now becoming indifferent which I recognise as a new position for me, I am calm, not worried and thinking straight but it scares me to be thinking of "when" my marriage ends rather than "if" it ends.

the_money_pit wrote: »

Over the years I have tried on numerous occasions to tell him how I feel, what I need etc. The usual reply is that I am just hard to please or that he doesn't understand what I'm talking about. I don't feel that I'm hard to please, in fact the opposite, I just want to be thought about.
So I guess this time I don't even feel like explaining how hurt I feel again because I will just end up feeling very raw and being left to "suck it up" and get on.

How have you put up with this life for 28 years? Make the break.

Lily-Rose_3

Yes you do need to talk about it, but many men are set in their ways, and it's unlikely he will change, but no harm in talking to him. Or threaten to leave. Make him wake up a bit. I know a few middle aged (and slightly younger) women who say EXACTLY the same as you say about your husband. Some men (sadly, ) do take their wives for granted.

d70cw6

do you do these things for him?

dont mean to be rude, just that it's a two way street.

Errata

TBH I'd just cut to the chase and tell him he's a knob. He probably won't care but it would make you feel a whole lot better.

Mojisola

the_money_pit wrote: »

Over the years I have tried on numerous occasions to tell him how I feel, what I need etc. T

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Yes you do need to talk about it, but many men are set in their ways, and it's unlikely he will change, but no harm in talking to him. Or threaten to leave. Make him wake up a bit. I know a few middle aged (and slightly younger) women who say EXACTLY the same as you say about your husband. Some men (sadly, ) do take their wives for granted.

How many times should the unhappy spouse tell their OH that they aren't happy?

barbiedoll

You married young, probably with an idea of your role in marriage, i.e. homemaker, mother, etc etc. Your husband possibly married with the idea that he'd have someone to look after him for the rest of his life, and he'd get sex on tap as a bonus. (I'm not saying that this is the absolute truth but it doesn't sound like he wants or needs much else)

Marriages change and evolve over the years, it seems as though your husband has been quite happy to sit back and let you "evolve" into the main carer, cook, shopper, housekeeper, disciplinarian and so on. And you have let him settle into this without really challenging him. Why have you always been the one to discipline the kids? Why do you do most of the housework, despite working full-time (I know how that feels!) Why do you think that after 28 years, he will suddenly develop the urge to spring a huge birthday surprise on you? He's not had to bother so far so he's not going to change now.

You sound as though you have had enough and I don't blame you in the slightest. How many kids are still at home? Do they know how you feel about your life? (I don't expect the 14 year old to understand but it sounds as though your daughter has an inkling)

You need to literally spell it out to your husband what you expect of him from now on. If you want him to treat you on special occasions, you can't just huff and puff and expect him to know what you want, you will have to tell him. And if you want to separate, you will need to be just as specific. He probably has no idea how unhappy you are, some men just don't have the emotional radar to realise that something is up.


Before you decide anything, you need to speak to your husband and tell him how you feel and what you want to do about it. If you're planning a break-up, do your research and think about what you want to happen next. Do you want to stay in the house? What will happen to the kids still at home? Can you afford to support yourself when the kids are all grown-up? Are you happy to live alone eventually? Who takes care of the bills etc, are you financially "savvy"?


I wish you well, it sounds as though you are ready for a new chapter in your life, and after 28 years, it is a brave move.

fivetide

Mojisola wrote: »

How many times should the unhappy spouse tell their OH that they aren't happy?

More of an issue of try as the OP admits they have spoken to their OH and he hasn't understood.


Clearly the OP needs a new approach. She admits he does love her, she just doesn't feel cherished. d70cw6 makes a good point, he might not feel the same way either, perhaps both are in a routine, nothing more.


They seem comfortably off and the OP just wants bit more excitement and thought. I don't see that being a reason to chuck away 28 years of marriage just at this moment.


I stick with my first response, give him a good honest talking to. Perhaps try to meet someone like relate too before going straight to divorce without even passing go.