Marriage woes

maman

Reading what you've said moneypit, it seems that your OH just believes that the way you're living is what you can expect from couples of 'a certain age'. He's covering all the basics and you should be satisfied with that.


He might be but I wouldn't agree.


I posted earlier that I made the break at 30 as I couldn't envisage the rest of my life with someone like that. I'm certain I'd feel the same at 50 (probably more so).

Raspberry_beret wrote: »

That sounds really tough. I wouldn't blame you at all for initiating a split - do you think he'd mind? Or is he just carrying on becauase it's the easiest thing to do? Did I read right also that you both work full time but you do all the housework etc? Do you think he is capable of meeting you in the middle and showing some love/affection/thought towards you?

Your post reminded me of a certain type of marriage counselling thing I read about a while back - might be interesting:
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/dec/28/mission-to-save-marriages
I think I'd at least want to have a final final, last ditch attempt at saving the marriage but I think you need to do something - whether that is planning for a separation or counselling. Like you said, you don't want to end up back here in a few years time with more years wasted, more resentment etc.

After all these years I'd agree but if he's adamant it's you in the wrong for expecting more then I wouldn't be hopeful.

rachiibell

Lily-Rose wrote: »

Yes you do need to talk about it, but many men are set in their ways, and it's unlikely he will change, but no harm in talking to him. Or threaten to leave. Make him wake up a bit. I know a few middle aged (and slightly younger) women who say EXACTLY the same as you say about your husband. Some men (sadly, ) do take their wives for granted.

Only do this if you are prepared to go through with it though.

C_Mababejive

Yes,the poor old fellow has served his purpose,,just dump him..

Thats what its all about after all. Look after no 1.

Vicky123

Sometimes not giving a gift says so much more than any extravagance ever could, flowers from Tesco screams after thought to me, having said that I didn't even get a "Happy Birthday" in 20 yrs of marriage and would have seen Tesco flowers as reason for hope, how sad is that:o.
Maybe OP has reached a point where what she sees is exactly what it is, there comes a time when enough is enough and you have to stop making excuses, call him out on it but be prepared to move on or forever accept this is all he's prepared to give.

gettingtheresometime

JIL wrote: »

You cannot carry on until your daughters wedding it will just build up more resentment and make you more unhappy. .

I have to agree with this but only partly.

I knew that there were serious problems in my parents marriage for a couple of years because of his attitude/behaviour (think other woman here) but he finally left 5 months before I got married - and if I could have cancelled the wedding I would have as I didn't have the day I should have had as everyone was walking on eggshells on the day, let alone the emotional upheaval beforehand.

Even after nearly 25 years of marriage I can't really look on my wedding day as the happiest day of my life because in reality I've been to other weddings where I've enjoyed myself more (sad as that sounds) - though I think I picked well lol!

duchy

fivetide wrote: »

I didn't mean the OP, I meant you




She also says he is kind and loving. So the above is in your opinion only.


My opinion is try counselling. Let's leave it at that as I don't want to derail the thread debating with you.

If someone "isn't interested" and sees nothing wrong with their marriage then why on earth would they agree to counseling .

Stop trying to bend the scenario to make digs at people -it is neither helpful or nice.

Quite honestly though I'm not sure if he is "kind and loving" as the OP's own description of his behaviours appear to describe a man who is anything but.

Morglin

the_money_pit wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies, I am tired at the moment, I think my ability to make it all okay is waning.
I did marry young with very strong ideals as to what a wife and mother is and as a result I was lucky enough to be at home with my kids as they grew up. I worked part time off and on depending on circumstances. Then 8 yrs ago I returned to uni, retrained and was successful in gaining employment in a good well respected job which is my escape. So I guess I am more financially independent than ever before, I suppose this has allowed me to picture a different life.
I do not "stay" for the children however I do all I can to provide them with a stable home. My OH would probably agree that he does this also but he lives a life that avoids any confrontation including disciplining, making decisions and putting himself out there.
I believe that in order to be interesting you must be interested, my OH's favourite saying is "I am not interested", this is his excuse for most things - holidays, gardening, outings, friends, hobbies - frankly he's very boring.
I have always had friends, hobbies, outside interests etc so I guess I have found my own fulfilment in life until now.
I guess turning 50 is a catalyst. My eldest daughter gets married next year so we must remain together until after that, that's non negotiable.

To be honest, he sounds a selfish bloke, but many marriages just run out if steam, because people change, and when the kids fly the nest, it all comes to a head.

50 can (weirdly) be a catalyst - I got divorced at that age, after 30+. years of marriage, because I just didn't want any more years with first hubby - it had run it's course years earlier.

I have never looked back, have remarried and happier than ever. It's stressful breaking up after a lot of years, but you soon get over it.

But, you need to first work out what you want for the future, and then either insist that things improve with DH and his attitude, or begin to make plans to move on in another direction.

Good luck.

Lin

the_money_pit

Hi again. Well to follow on from last night, OH went to sleep in spare room but at 2am he came to our room and unsurprisingly I was awake. We talked (I cried) for about 3 hours and today I feel hopeful.
I think I can now see the extent to which we were not communicating, I was building up quiet anger and resentment and he was so pre occupied with other stuff that he hadn't noticed.
That's no excuse but the recession virtually wiped OH's business out and recovery is very slow. So when he explained how stressed he has been trying to keep a steady income and not wanting to worry me with the situation I can understand to an extent how we have ended up where we are. He has always been a great provider and I think his self worth has taken a real battering.
He was aware that things between us were bad but he didn't know what to do. I can see that my part, brooding anger, was probably/definitely contributory in that I expected him to know what I hadn't actually told him.
So anyway, we have agreed to try very hard to salvage our marriage. 28yrs is a long time and it hasn't all been bad. I don't think any relationship can sustain itself without hard work and maybe we just haven't put in any of that recently.
I am not saying all is forgiven and forgotten, far from it, and I have made it clear that unless things improve we may not have a future together and he agrees but at least we're in a place of hope as opposed to yesterday.
Thank you all soooooo much, its very difficult to share a situation like this with friends or family as they cannot be objective so all your inputs have been gratefully received.

Errata

Good luck and wishing you well. The secret to a successful and productive partnership is clear and open communication, whether you're allies fighting a common foe or Fred and Ethel at No. 27.
Secrets only breed resentment and suspicion.

gettingtheresometime

the_money_pit wrote: »

Hi again. Well to follow on from last night, OH went to sleep in spare room but at 2am he came to our room and unsurprisingly I was awake. We talked (I cried) for about 3 hours and today I feel hopeful.
I think I can now see the extent to which we were not communicating, I was building up quiet anger and resentment and he was so pre occupied with other stuff that he hadn't noticed.
That's no excuse but the recession virtually wiped OH's business out and recovery is very slow. So when he explained how stressed he has been trying to keep a steady income and not wanting to worry me with the situation I can understand to an extent how we have ended up where we are. He has always been a great provider and I think his self worth has taken a real battering.
He was aware that things between us were bad but he didn't know what to do. I can see that my part, brooding anger, was probably/definitely contributory in that I expected him to know what I hadn't actually told him.
So anyway, we have agreed to try very hard to salvage our marriage. 28yrs is a long time and it hasn't all been bad. I don't think any relationship can sustain itself without hard work and maybe we just haven't put in any of that recently.
I am not saying all is forgiven and forgotten, far from it, and I have made it clear that unless things improve we may not have a future together and he agrees but at least we're in a place of hope as opposed to yesterday.
Thank you all soooooo much, its very difficult to share a situation like this with friends or family as they cannot be objective so all your inputs have been gratefully received.

Ah bless.

I wanted to say that in some respects my OH is like yours - he didn't do the big thing on my 40th and whilst I accept that it was partly my fault (didn't want to do the party thing either) and told him I didn't want to do anything I was secretly hoping he'd do something on the quiet but he took me at my word and didn't do anything (got a card but not even tesco flowers lol!)

Needless to say my 50th will be different!

There's an podcast which is free to download on itunes called the marriage challenge and whilst it can be considered a bit twee the advice is given on this worked for us sort of basis. There is one about making time for you as a couple which may be useful in giving you some ideas.