Second marriages - gifts?

victory

jackyann wrote: »

4 years ago. I was just about to retire, and sorting out my finances. Nephew married the same month, so I thought about what I would like to do for him multiplied by numbers of nephews & nieces and set that aside. Did something similar for my children and potential grandchildren.
I did realise (especially with regards to grandchildren) that I didn't know exact number - I as just trying to do a rough calculation. I do have a "rainy day" fun to dip into.
I do realise that if, for example, nephew was widowed and I thought this new girl was the light of his life, I might feel differently - so there is a bit of "morality" going on there.
I can do this discreetly, will definitely give a bit more than "cover your plate gift" anyway. I have now been able to untangle the emotions and just realise that I am a bit sad about how this has played out.
Thank you all again

I am glad you have been able to untangle the emotions, as for nephew expecting a second bar bill to be paid as said, absolutely not, you have a lot of people you seem to be saving for, just don't allow yourself to go short, enjoy your retirement and just get something from the wedding list, there is no need to do it twice:D

belfastgirl23

I think expecting or anticipating gifts is plain wrong, even between parents and (adult) children never mind between aunts and nieces/nephews. Negotiating for second wedding presents or about what happens if they don't get married and at what point they can access the money (as if it's their money in the first place) is really distasteful. Paying a bar bill for a wedding is also an incredibly generous present which makes it doubly distasteful. I really don't think you should feel pressured into anything at all beyond a token gift.

jackyann

Many thanks again to all. I do feel obliged to say that I don't think it was necessarily expected, more that they were wondering where they stood (personally I would have preferred an upfront "of course we don't expect..." )

Also, it's one of those situations (families, eh?) where I am close to some nieces and would want to do this for them, so want to treat nephew equally.

I shall of course, make no comment or voice any opinion on second marriage / personality of fiancee, but my anxiety about "how it would be taken" is ameliorated by the responses here.

Mojisola

jackyann wrote: »

When I retired, I set aside savings for what I consider a generous wedding gift for all nieces & nephews.

I also think that if I do, then maybe I should be clear to others - one niece does know about her "wedding gift" and has asked if she can have it if unmarried at 50!

jackyann wrote: »

Many thanks again to all. I do feel obliged to say that I don't think it was necessarily expected, more that they were wondering where they stood (personally I would have preferred an upfront "of course we don't expect..." )

I shall of course, make no comment or voice any opinion on second marriage / personality of fiancee, but my anxiety about "how it would be taken" is ameliorated by the responses here.

None of us can change how other people react to what we do. You have to make the best decision for you and let others deal with their own reactions.

I would be open with them that you have the same amount of money put by for all of them - keeping in mind that they may not all marry, do have an alternative plan in place.

Depending on how much money it is, would it affect you if you needed to claim means tested benefits? Would you then be unable to give some of them the money because of the deprivation of capital rules?

Have you made arrangements for what would happen if you died before they had all had their gift from you?

jackyann

Bless you Mojisola for you always practical approach.
yes, I do have the "alternative" plan in place - my niece to whom I am very close, was joking about being 50, but it seems like a plan.
It is not written into my will, but the executors know my wishes. I am aware that may be an issue if any of the beneficiaries were claiming means-tested benefits.
I am in very good health, and do review my will most years, so this may be the catalyst!

duchy

I wonder if nephew even knows Mum has asked. He might be horrified.

My parents paid for my second wedding but not my first (they didn't approve of the first) but I don;t think anyone expects parents to pay for more than one wedding per daughter -and in this day and age one is generous and not automatic. Frankly any expectation of you doing it more than once for the same person is outragous

TBagpuss

jackyann wrote: »

Bless you Mojisola for you always practical approach.
yes, I do have the "alternative" plan in place - my niece to whom I am very close, was joking about being 50, but it seems like a plan.
It is not written into my will, but the executors know my wishes. I am aware that may be an issue if any of the beneficiaries were claiming means-tested benefits.
I am in very good health, and do review my will most years, so this may be the catalyst!

It would be sensible to include something in your will, you can have a trust where you effectively say " £X / specific account to my executors to use as I've previously told them" - which would save you having to change the will every time someone gets married, as you can simply tell your executors to split the money equally between your unmarried nieces and nephews and tell them it's what they would have got on marriage if you'd been around.

I agree with PPs that it is very rude of your nephew's mum to ask and that it is not remotely unreasonable for you to give a more standard gift this time round.

Gifts are not a right and there is no rule about what you should give, not even 'cover your plate' so you don;t owe either your nephew or his mum any explanation - you're fine simply to say "I'm afraid that won't be possible", and to change the subject.

FatVonD

I agree with everyone else that you have been incredibly generous (I would be interested to know what your sibling did/plans to do if/when your children got married!)

If you hadn't already asked I'd have said just asking to see a wedding gift list should be enough to get the message across but since they have already sounded you out (how rude of them!) I think you should say that you had a fixed amount left over and above your own needs for your retirement and you have allocated it equally to each of the neices/nephews and this particular nephew has already had his share.

snowleopard61

maman wrote: »

But surely her own children are also nieces/nephews to OP's siblings so they would have wedding gifts from their aunties and uncles.

It happens in most/all families. I've never been to a wedding without giving some form of gift whether it's an item, a voucher, money or a charity donation. Obviously how much you are able to give is personal choice depending on your means and perhaps how you feel about the person getting married.

I agree; it was more that the gift was really quite considerable (picking up the whole bar bill) and is obviously being multiplied many times over, and in addition the OP has her own children and may well be footing the whole or most of the cost of their weddings.

Acc72

FatVonD wrote: »

(I would be interested to know what your sibling did/plans to do if/when your children got married!)

I was also thinking this.


To pay again would also set a precedent - the nephew may get married again in the future, and your other nieces and nephews could get married more than once : would you be expected (or feel obliged) to make a contribution to each wedding ?


Just out of interest, how many nieces and nephews are we talking about ?


Also, how many children and grandchildren are we talking about ?