Second marriages - gifts?

jackyann

I'd just a like a canvas of sensible MSE people about wedding gifts.
When I retired, I set aside savings for what I consider a generous wedding gift for all nieces & nephews. Only one has been married so far, and I used the money, at his request, to pay the drinks bill at the wedding.
It didn't last - she was a pleasant girl but I am not devastated by that in itself.
He has another gf, engaged, it will be her first marriage, and she wants the works. Talking to nephew's mum, I realised they were wondering if I would do the same again.
2 factors:
I live on a moderate, fixed income, and dip into savings for such things. I really didn't expect to dip into "rainy day fund" for a 2nd wedding.
Not helped by the fact that I sadly don't like the girl, don't think she's good for nephew (hope I'm wrong!). I don't wish them ill at all, but would just like to give a small gift.
I could say pretty much what I've written here: I set this money aside as a single wedding gift for each niece / nephew, and don't expect to repeat it (may sound naive, but this is actually the first divorce in our immediate family!)
I also think that if I do, then maybe I should be clear to others - one niece does know about her "wedding gift" and has asked if she can have it if unmarried at 50!
However, before I do this, I'd like to know what others think, and whether it appears mean.

Izadora

It's not being mean at all. It was very generous of you to provide that much for the first wedding and you shouldn't be expected to put yourself in a position where you'll either have to go without yourself or deprive your other nieces and nephews of some of what you'd put aside for them so that you can provide the same again.
I probably wouldn't point out that you don't like his fiancee when explaining why you're sorry you can't do the same again for this wedding but, other than that, I think most reasonable people would fully understand why it was a 'one time only' deal.

smifffy1989

Doesn't seem mean to me, what happens if this doesn't last? Will you have to foot some of the bill for those too?

I would say you are happy for them but you will not be paying for anything except a small wedding gift.

jackieb

You're definitely not being mean and I think your nephew's mum has a bit of a cheek assuming you might do the same again.

sulphate

Not mean at all. It sounds like you are very generous already. I think it's very nice of you to allocate money to each of your nieces and nephews.

I would personally play dumb, and not say anything about it to your nephew/gf/his parents until they bluntly ask you. Ignore all hints. I think it's very unlikely that they will straight up ask "Will you pay for xxx?" and if they do, you can politely explain that the money you set aside was for one wedding per person only and you won't be doing the same for the next wedding.

I think expecting such a gift from an uncle for a second wedding is extremely cheeky tbh.

LEJC

Can only echo what others have said...your first gift was a very generous one and in my mind you need not repeat it...


as regards yo a gift the second time round...thats up to you but something moderate from the gift list,or some vouchers or even a small cash gift is more than appropriate.
if there is mention of a repeat of your previous gift then politely acknowledge that you gave what you could last time and will choose an appropriate gift this time round but you will not repeat the previous gift.

pinkteapot

Agree with the others, and would say it's your money and entirely up to you who you give it to!

But, to try and keep the peace a bit, could you perhaps word it differently? Rather than saying "I put away £x per head and he's had his already", could you be a bit more vague and just say that you don't have the money to do the same again? That way you avoid any implication at all that you don't approve of divorce/second marriages (just thinking about how it may be construed if they're difficult) and any possible arguments.

Also agree with other posters that it's rude of them to assume, and they've put you in a very difficult position of having to say no.

I married my hubby a few years ago and it was my first wedding but his second, so I wanted the works of course. However, we paid for it and made absolutely no assumptions about any money from anyone else! I would also never have expected a gift from anyone, but certainly not from his family and friends who had forked out once before for him already.

Idiophreak

I'd just speak to the lad and say "Just wanted to be clear that this time out, you're getting a small gift and you'll just have to buy your own drinks".

That way everyone knows where they stand and there's no more need for discussion.

It's not mean at all.

Snakey

It sounds as if they have at least had the decency to feel embarrassed about asking and/or not assume you will say yes, hence asking you via the mother.

I expect mother was testing the water, rather than it being the forerunner of a family feud. If your reaction was one that reflects your real thoughts then she'll have reported back with a "no, he says he already paid for you once and he isn't made of money" and that'll be the end of that.

If they are going to bear grudges you won't be alone on their list. Nobody's going to fork out as much for presents etc for a second wedding. Her side will, if it's her first, but none of your lot are likely to.

maman

I'd say unless you want to appear judgemental you stick to the fact that you can't afford it as your reason for not paying for an equivalent gift. Once you talk about one present and one only or anything like that you sound as if you're criticising their lifestyle/choices etc. I'd have said airing any views that hint of disapproval or disappointment won't lead to family harmony.

Melaniep101

I think it's mean of your nephew and his mum/g/f to expect you to pay for anything other than a token gift.

Sounds like they are utterly greedy! Let them pay for their own bar bill!