Second marriages - gifts?

kpwll

I also think you are very generous. Would a suggestion to groom's mum that, as your finances are finite, you are willing to donate a small sum towards the drinks bill, be out of order?

jackyann

Very many thanks to all.

I shall think about whether I have a quiet word to mum, or make a clear statement to nephew.

I take on board those who pointed out that I might appear to be "disapproving" of the 2nd marriage. Certainly not in principle (although as I said, relatively little family experience). Am also quite able to hide my feelings about this fiancee (indeed, I could be wrong about her, and wouldn't want my feelings known anyway). You have helped me towards a form of words that i think will be clear and help me to be confident.

I shall say that I have set aside the same amount for each niece & nephew and that as I have now retired (his wedding was the same month as my retirement) that is it.
This may indeed be a test to see how quickly they get over it!

jackieb

Well they certainly shouldn't hold it against you!

You seem to be a thoughtful and considerate person and i'm sure you'll find a way to get it across without sounding disapproving. Good luck.

Wilma33

People definitely shouldn't be expecting you to pay for drinks again!


Out of interest, how long ago was the last wedding? If it was 40 years ago then I'd be more inclined to be generous again than if it was 2 years ago!

jackyann

4 years ago. I was just about to retire, and sorting out my finances. Nephew married the same month, so I thought about what I would like to do for him multiplied by numbers of nephews & nieces and set that aside. Did something similar for my children and potential grandchildren.
I did realise (especially with regards to grandchildren) that I didn't know exact number - I as just trying to do a rough calculation. I do have a "rainy day" fun to dip into.
I do realise that if, for example, nephew was widowed and I thought this new girl was the light of his life, I might feel differently - so there is a bit of "morality" going on there.
I can do this discreetly, will definitely give a bit more than "cover your plate gift" anyway. I have now been able to untangle the emotions and just realise that I am a bit sad about how this has played out.
Thank you all again

snowleopard61

jackyann wrote: »

4 years ago. I was just about to retire, and sorting out my finances. Nephew married the same month, so I thought about what I would like to do for him multiplied by numbers of nephews & nieces and set that aside. Did something similar for my children and potential grandchildren.

Good grief, you are seriously generous! From your previous posts on this thread I'd assumed that you had no children of your own and were giving gifts of this sort to your nieces and nephews for that reason. To do so when you already have your own to provide for - I take my hat off to you.

pollypenny

I agree with everyone else. You're very generous! OP, but you should not be taken advantage of.

I wouldn't explain anything to either the nephew or his mother. Just ask if there's a wedding gift list anywhere. That will make it clear that you don't intend to pay the bar bill this second time.

Morglin

jackyann wrote: »

I'd just a like a canvas of sensible MSE people about wedding gifts.
When I retired, I set aside savings for what I consider a generous wedding gift for all nieces & nephews. Only one has been married so far, and I used the money, at his request, to pay the drinks bill at the wedding.
It didn't last - she was a pleasant girl but I am not devastated by that in itself.
He has another gf, engaged, it will be her first marriage, and she wants the works. Talking to nephew's mum, I realised they were wondering if I would do the same again.
2 factors:
I live on a moderate, fixed income, and dip into savings for such things. I really didn't expect to dip into "rainy day fund" for a 2nd wedding.
Not helped by the fact that I sadly don't like the girl, don't think she's good for nephew (hope I'm wrong!). I don't wish them ill at all, but would just like to give a small gift.
I could say pretty much what I've written here: I set this money aside as a single wedding gift for each niece / nephew, and don't expect to repeat it (may sound naive, but this is actually the first divorce in our immediate family!)
I also think that if I do, then maybe I should be clear to others - one niece does know about her "wedding gift" and has asked if she can have it if unmarried at 50!
However, before I do this, I'd like to know what others think, and whether it appears mean.

When I got wed, for the second time, we had our home, so we just asked for either John Lewis, Next or M&S gift tokens - that way, people could spend big or small.

Perhaps a token?

Lin

maman

snowleopard61 wrote: »

Good grief, you are seriously generous! From your previous posts on this thread I'd assumed that you had no children of your own and were giving gifts of this sort to your nieces and nephews for that reason. To do so when you already have your own to provide for - I take my hat off to you.

I think OP has been sensible to budget for such expenditure as she's now on a tight, fixed income.


But surely her own children are also nieces/nephews to OP's siblings so they would have wedding gifts from their aunties and uncles.


It happens in most/all families. I've never been to a wedding without giving some form of gift whether it's an item, a voucher, money or a charity donation. Obviously how much you are able to give is personal choice depending on your means and perhaps how you feel about the person getting married.

themull1

My husband and I have both been married twice before our wedding - my dad is so sick of walking me down the aisle- we didnt ask for any gifts, but if anyone wanted to buy something, we asked for towels - i love towels!! and we got a mixture of cash, tokens and presents which was a lovely suprise. I would never expect a large amount of money from anyone second time round!