Second marriages - gifts?

Hedgehog99

1) No, it isn't mean of you at all - I should be astonished they've even had the nerve to think to ask, but actually, given "modern ways", I'm not astonished. But they are way out of order.
2) The rest of the money is already allocated for your other n's & n's.
3) If "she" wants it, "she" can pay for it, or her mother
4) How much is her mother paying towards this grand affair, and what's wrong with a pay bar?

Melaniep101

Just as an aside, when DH and I got married (his 3rd marriage, my first) we specifically said on our wedding party invites "Presence, not presents". I'm not a fan of this modern day thing of giving gifts for every occasion!

snowleopard61

I think it is very generous to give such a gift once to each of your nieces and nephews, and definitely beyond the call of duty to do so twice. I do think it's right and fair to be clear and explain that you have a specific sum set aside for each of them, and that to give more than a small gift this time to this nephew would be to dip into someone else's share.

I'm engaged and planning to marry for the second time (more than 30 years after the first!) in the next few years, and I think it would be reasonable for us to specify that no gifts at all are necessary - it may be such an informal affair that we would have a sort of 'pot luck' meal as a reception instead, but we have each done this once already and one round of wedding gifts seems enough for anyone - even in view of the very long time lapse, and the fact that neither of us is affluent.

fivetide

I think it shows great forward planning and care on your part to have planned it initially.


A smaller gift should be fine. I am sure the others, should they ever get married, will be appreciative and you have tried to be fair and equal with them.


It is a shame his first marriage didn't work out but that isn't your fault. If this new one turns out to be a wrong un where will you draw the line? He might be the next Katie Price for all you know and get married twice a year!

Ozzuk

I said no gifts at my second wedding. Perhaps instead suggest that he seeks discounts from vendors if this will be a regular thing

hazyjo

Agree - certainly no need to be that generous twice!


One point though, I know a lot of people say no presents, but I'd just not be able to go along to a wedding and not take a gift, even if it was a 2nd or even 3rd wedding! If I accepted an invite to another wedding, I do think it'd be fair to buy them a gift again. Maybe not for just a reception, but not the entire day. I'd feel really embarrassed! Most venues charge X amount per head and I'd feel it only courteous to take something.


Jx

Primrose

I don't think you're being mean at all. You have a very generous attitude to your nieces and nephews but I think you should make it abundantly clear that you're not funding serial weddings and your gift was on a one off basis to all of them and only as long as you can afford it in your modest income. Actually I think it may have been a little reckless of you to make your intentions known up front but as you have i think you should also make it known you are not a cash machine and just give the couple a modest gift. That will also perhaps help rein in the expectations of those who have not get got to marrying state if they are all acquainted with each other.

Jagraf

Why don't ou say you will gladly help if they give you the money back that you spent the first time round?

At my second wedding, I expected nothing, especially from those who had been at the first. And second time around you realise what matters, so,they shouldn't be expecting it.

snowleopard61

hazyjo wrote: »

Agree - certainly no need to be that generous twice!


One point though, I know a lot of people say no presents, but I'd just not be able to go along to a wedding and not take a gift, even if it was a 2nd or even 3rd wedding! If I accepted an invite to another wedding, I do think it'd be fair to buy them a gift again. Maybe not for just a reception, but not the entire day. I'd feel really embarrassed! Most venues charge X amount per head and I'd feel it only courteous to take something.


Jx

I do understand - I think when our time comes we may do it very, very simply, and the reception may be a picnic or something similar, so won't break our bank or anyone else's!

victory

jackyann wrote: »

I'd just a like a canvas of sensible MSE people about wedding gifts.
When I retired, I set aside savings for what I consider a generous wedding gift for all nieces & nephews. Only one has been married so far, and I used the money, at his request, to pay the drinks bill at the wedding.
It didn't last - she was a pleasant girl but I am not devastated by that in itself.
He has another gf, engaged, it will be her first marriage, and she wants the works. Talking to nephew's mum, I realised they were wondering if I would do the same again.
2 factors:
I live on a moderate, fixed income, and dip into savings for such things. I really didn't expect to dip into "rainy day fund" for a 2nd wedding.
Not helped by the fact that I sadly don't like the girl, don't think she's good for nephew (hope I'm wrong!). I don't wish them ill at all, but would just like to give a small gift.
I could say pretty much what I've written here: I set this money aside as a single wedding gift for each niece / nephew, and don't expect to repeat it (may sound naive, but this is actually the first divorce in our immediate family!)
I also think that if I do, then maybe I should be clear to others - one niece does know about her "wedding gift" and has asked if she can have it if unmarried at 50!
However, before I do this, I'd like to know what others think, and whether it appears mean.

No, not mean at all, how very generous of you to give such a large monetary gift to them all, you will have to explain clearly that each niece and nephew gets it once, that it is not a repeat gift, that you cannot afford to do it without having to go without yourself (and why should you?) that no way was it set up to be done twice to each person, only once and this time you will happily buy a small gift from the wedding list and will not be funding the drinks bill at all, if the gf wants the works then let her family help, it is not for you to do it again !