Co-sleeping and overnights with NRP

duchy

We always had "Dad's house" rules and "home rules". I didn't always agree with Dad's way and would discuss it with him away from our son (and yes it could get quite heated ) but ultimately just like she will have already learned that there are things that are done one way at home and another way at school-most children accept that differing rules apply with the NRP than with the RP (provided they are reasonable of course)

Marisco

duchy wrote: »

We always had "Dad's house" rules and "home rules". I didn't always agree with Dad's way and would discuss it with him away from our son (and yes it could get quite heated ) but ultimately just like she will have already learned that there are things that are done one way at home and another way at school-most children accept that differing rules apply with the NRP than with the RP (provided they are reasonable of course)

That's all fine and dandy, so long as you have a reasonable PWC!! When you have a PWC from hell like my oh had, then nothing you do is right, and the kids are then used as a weapon.

@ OP, oh's ex calmed down somewhat when she got herself a bloke, then she couldn't "offload" the kids fast enough!!

Annisele

I wonder if the real problem is the ex's relationship with the OP.

I could be very wide of the mark here, but I think that if I was 8, and I'd been told (or worked out) that my Mum didn't want me to spend any time alone with a particular adult, then I'd probably have concluded there was something dangerous about that adult.

In this case, Dad clearly doesn't think there's anything dangerous about OP, and so the daughter might know that it's just that her mother doesn't like OP. However, many people feel vulnerable when they're falling asleep, so being near somebody they trust who will protect them from frightening OP might feel safer.

That analogy doesn't entirely work - if it was just about being worried about OP, daughter would presumably sleep on her own at home - but there might be something in it. Given the mother's apparently irrational dislike/fear of OP, maybe there are other things the mother worries about - and maybe daughter has picked up on that.

duchy

It could be as simple as just not wanting another woman playing Mum with her daughter of course.

silvercar

Silvercar - the contact order is for one afternoon and one overnight a week, made years before OH had to work that night. He changed jobs (no choice about this) and for the first few months had to work on his night with SD. He asked ex whether he could change nights or have me look after her (he goes to work after she's already asleep) but the answer to both was no. He now no longer works that night, but obviously the damage has been done.

As for ex getting her own way - yes she does, and he's challenged her numerous times but the fact is that if he doesn't agree then he doesn't see SD.

I fail to see how it is contact time if Dad is out at work.

Surely the answer would be that either SD stays with you when OH goes to work or she goes back home.

Ex is getting her own way. Toughening up to her would have been saying that she needs to collect SD when OH goes to work if she doesn't want to her to stay with you alone.

Lieja

silvercar wrote: »

I fail to see how it is contact time if Dad is out at work.

Surely the answer would be that either SD stays with you when OH goes to work or she goes back home.

Ex is getting her own way. Toughening up to her would have been saying that she needs to collect SD when OH goes to work if she doesn't want to her to stay with you alone.

In an ideal world of course this would happen. However, ex refuses to collect SD and 'toughening up' in this way causes her to say that SD won't be coming at all. It has been tried, believe me. On the very odd occasion when she has agreed to collect SD (maybe twice in the last year) she has actually charged OH a fiver for her petrol!

The contact time is the putting to bed/getting ready for school, when she's unconscious there really isn't much contact to be had. It means he can have the before and after routine without her even being aware that he was out while she was sleeping.

A big issue is that ex just doesn't like me. I've never given her a reason not to, she just suddenly changed from being friendly and civil to completely ignoring my existence when OH and I moved in together. That was when the trouble started and the contact order was made.

SD is more than aware of her not liking me, and has told me a few times that she has asked her mum why. Her mum apparently says that she doesn't not like me, she just doesn't know me. OH has asked her about this though and she has openly said to him that she just doesn't like me. I think a lot of it has to do with SD usually doing as I ask and being happy to, yet playing up for her mum when she doesn't want to do something. A good example is she won't have showers at home - her mum just cannot get her under a shower and ends up with huge tantrums. The first time she came swimming with me and OH I wasn't aware of the shower phobia, took her into the shower room with me and got her washed without much fuss. Ex turned this into a huge issue with OH, her excuse being that I shouldn't have washed her hair in 'adult shampoo'. What terrible effect the shampoo had on her I have no idea.

It really is difficult to deal with such irrational and unreasonable behaviour. If she would at least discuss the problems as she sees them then fine, but there is no discussion allowed.

ecgirl07

Easiest way out of this is to help sd sleep at yours, saves getting involved with courts etc. Have a chat with sd and plan bedtime so she has control over it. Maybe nightlights, a special teddy or one of these with soothing music

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Soundlab-A012A-Pillow-Speaker/dp/B002GJ0ES6/ref=cm_cd_al_qh_dp_t

to help change the dynamic?

Good luck with it all

Carmina-Piranha_2

Is the school trip while she is in the year she's currently in? I wonder if it's worth mentioning her hears to her current teacher?

In the run up to my son's year 4 residential (4 nights!!) a couple of the kids who were worried about going changed their mind because they realised how much fun they would have and that they would be safe, with their own teacher sleeping next door.

If SD wants to be given strategies to help her not be scared at night, this might be an opportunity for the teacher to help SD without the mum undermining things. On the other hand if SD is really terrified, I'd worry about her being scared away from home. I'm a worrier and the teachers despaired when my youngest was in reception because I mollycoddled him so much. He became independent despite my fears though

Marisco

duchy wrote: »

It could be as simple as just not wanting another woman playing Mum with her daughter of course.

It shouldn't be about what the PWC wants or doesn't want though, it should be what is the best outcome for the child. My oh's ex singularly failed on this point, and only thought of herself!

duchy

Marisco wrote: »

It shouldn't be about what the PWC wants or doesn't want though, it should be what is the best outcome for the child. My oh's ex singularly failed on this point, and only thought of herself!

"Should"

Life would be much simpler if everyone acted as they should........ unfortunately telling this Mum what she should do wouldn't change anything but knowing why she does it can help in finding solutions.