Co-sleeping and overnights with NRP

duchy

Why does the Mum have a problem with you looking after the child?
Is this a new relationship or was it that you were involved with the child's father whilst he was still in the marriage? The former - might change with time- the latter less likely. Either way doesn't sound like your "help" would be appreciated or welcomed by the Mum at this time.

As both parents seem to have a good relationship with the grandmother she appears to be the obvious one to mediate anyway though.

Sounds like the father needs to grow up a bit - The child won't sleep at your house-and he wants to use a six year old to be forced somewhere she is unable to sleep by an access order ? Not exactly a good idea.

Sounds like it's all about what he wants-everyone has to fit in with his work shifts and now that has caused damage to his child he still wants to force her to stay ?

Is he really that dim? It's not about his wants it's about his daughter's needs .

Lieja

Carmina-Piranha wrote: »

The mum doesn't see it as a problem though, and unless she wants to change things then I don't see SD returning to your house at night unless either MIL comes over to sleep there with her, or you vacate the marital bed so SD can sleep with dad.

I think this is it really. Even me vacating the bed wouldn't work, as OH wouldn't be there either. He works 5 nights a week, and his body clock doesn't allow for 8.30pm bed times!

I think the issue really is whether to try to enforce it or not. OH thinks SD should learn to sleep alone and worries that she isn't able to cope with a lot of things, and it is sad that she doesn't want to go on her school trip purely for this reason, but are we fighting a losing battle if there's really nothing we can do?

MIL isn't a reliable option anymore, and lives far away so it isn't really fair to ask.

happyandcontented

Carmina-Piranha wrote: »

I don't think it's odd. My 9 year old would sleep in my bed full time if he could. He insists on sleeping in my bed whenever my husband works away. I don't mention it, and am always secretly hoping that he will forget :rotfl:

Sleeping with another person is nice. Some kids are cuddlier than others, same as adults. My husband doesn't like to sleep alone, but I love it. It's not odd, but it is worrying that she feels unable to sleep alone. My 9 year old went away with school when he was 8 and had such a good time, it would have been a shame if he'd missed out on that purely because he couldn't sleep without me.

The mum doesn't see it as a problem though, and unless she wants to change things then I don't see SD returning to your house at night unless either MIL comes over to sleep there with her, or you vacate the marital bed so SD can sleep with dad.

To be clear, I think it odd that the mum would encourage it.

I have four children and all of them co slept at one point or another but all had passed that stage by the age of 8. It maybe a regression due to the family split, or, it may be that mum doesn't like to sleep alone, so is doing nothing to encourage independence.

Lieja

duchy wrote: »

Why does the Mum have a problem with you looking after the child?
Is this a new relationship or was it that you were involved with the child's father whilst he was still in the marriage? The former - might change with time- the latter less likely. Either way doesn't sound like your "help" would be appreciated or welcomed by the Mum at this time.

As both parents seem to have a good relationship with the grandmother she appears to be the obvious one to mediate anyway though.

Sounds like the father needs to grow up a bit - The child won't sleep at your house-and he wants to use a six year old to be forced somewhere she is unable to sleep by an access order ? Not exactly a good idea.

Sounds like it's all about what he wants-everyone has to fit in with his work shifts and now that has caused damage to his child he still wants to force her to stay ?

Is he really that dim? It's not about his wants it's about his daughter's needs .

The thing is she is able to sleep, she just worries and gets upset at bed time.

See above for length of relationship. OH and I met 2 years after they split. No idea why she has a problem - she won't even allow me to pick up or drop off SD (6 miles door to door) but refuses to do any of the driving herself.

Unfortunately, like many who rely on their employers for a wage, OH doesn't always have a say when his shift pattern changes. Ideally he would have changed night to have SD on his night off or have me look after her, but neither was an option. He is the last person in this situation who gets things his own way.

duchy

No that'll be the child !!

Lieja

duchy wrote: »

No that'll be the child !!

I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying the child isn't getting her own way? She is actually, but even so, is it right that a child always gets their own way when it's not always best for them in the long term? Not saying that that's the case here, but I am interested in your opinion.

balletshoes

Lieja wrote: »

I think this is it really. Even me vacating the bed wouldn't work, as OH wouldn't be there either. He works 5 nights a week, and his body clock doesn't allow for 8.30pm bed times!

I think the issue really is whether to try to enforce it or not. OH thinks SD should learn to sleep alone and worries that she isn't able to cope with a lot of things, and it is sad that she doesn't want to go on her school trip purely for this reason, but are we fighting a losing battle if there's really nothing we can do?

MIL isn't a reliable option anymore, and lives far away so it isn't really fair to ask.

my take on this is, trying to make SD sleep alone at your home, when she doesn't the other 6 nights of the week, is not going to teach her to sleep alone, thats the exception for her right now, not the norm. She's 8, if at that age she doesn't want to do overnight school trips I wouldn't attempt to put pressure on her to go.

duchy

No I'm saying there's adults with agendas and a child stuck in the middle.

This poor kid had a perfectly good sleeping habit at your house- despite it been the polar opposite to how she sleeps the other six nights and instead of leaving it alone the adults put their needs first. The result a confused little girl who now gets upset at bedtime-so upset about it her mother needs to step in and end overnight stays. As the adults don't seem to communicate very well it seems the child was upset enough to tell her mother.

Children like and need routine -and resident parents tend to get stubborn if the child comes home from an access visit upset.

It is the responsibility of both parents to look after the child and make sure she is happy -not Granny or a girlfriend but the parents- and if that means having to talk to each other for the welfare of the child-so be it. It is called parenting and doesn't stop if you split up. Yes it can be hard dealing with an ex when you'd happily never speak to them ever again -but that's part of the deal when you choose to have a child with someone.

Nothing to do with a child getting their own way (but possibly a lot to do with Dad wanting his -and prepared to enforce a contact order to do so even at the expense of upsetting the child rather than letting the situation calm down and routines reestablish again before trying a sleepover)

Lieja wrote: »

I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying the child isn't getting her own way? She is actually, but even so, is it right that a child always gets their own way when it's not always best for them in the long term? Not saying that that's the case here, but I am interested in your opinion.

Lieja

duchy wrote: »

No I'm saying there's adults with agendas and a child stuck in the middle.

This poor kid had a perfectly good sleeping habit at your house- despite it been the polar opposite to how she sleeps the other six nights and instead of leaving it alone the adults put their needs first. The result a confused little girl who now gets upset at bedtime-so upset about it her mother needs to step in and end overnight stays. As the adults don't seem to communicate very well it seems the child was upset enough to tell her mother.

Children like and need routine -and resident parents tend to get stubborn if the child comes home from an access visit upset.

It is the responsibility of both parents to look after the child and make sure she is happy -not Granny or a girlfriend but the parents- and if that means having to talk to each other for the welfare of the child-so be it. It is called parenting and doesn't stop if you split up. Yes it can be hard dealing with an ex when you'd happily never speak to them ever again -but that's part of the deal when you choose to have a child with someone.

Nothing to do with a child getting their own way (but possibly a lot to do with Dad wanting his -and prepared to enforce a contact order to do so even at the expense of upsetting the child rather than letting the situation calm down and routines reestablish again before trying a sleepover)

I think you've hit the nail on the head. Communication is non-existent, but how does one parent deal with another who refuses to communicate?

As for OH putting his needs first - surely him earning a living is in the best interests of his daughter? He didn't have a choice about shifts. No shift, no job. Ideally this would have been discussed with ex and a different arrangement made, but this just wasn't possible. She won't answer the phone to him, texts are ignored at a whim and requests for a face to face discussion are refused point blank.

OH has no ulterior motive for wanting SD to sleep over other than he really does believe that it's in her best interests. He would love for her mum to be able to discuss things with him and allow for him to make some decisions, but it just doesn't happen. In the mean time, she makes the decisions about days and times yet refuses to assist with any travelling or allow anyone else to. His relationship with his daughter exists entirely at her mother's whim and his parenting is constantly undermined. It's extremely frustrating, and when the only recourse is the courts then it's easy to see why that's considered. It might not be the best option in this case, which is why I'm asking for opinions. He's too upset to think about it reasonably I think.

kelpie35

Can he try speaking to his daughter the next time he has contact with her explaining how much he is missing her not staying overnight.

Don't make a big deal of the situation. It might take a while for his daughter to realise she is missing staying with you both.

Your OH needs to have patience in this situation and I am sure his daughter will eventually want to spend more time with him.