The envy of people

maman

honeythewitch wrote: »

But there is an element of good fortune involved. You can plan and be careful but you are jolly lucky if you get to carry out your plans without illness, misery, or death putting a stop to it.

I'd agree with that. I should have qualified my comments with 'all things being equal'. Sadly one can't anticipate ill health etc.

LilacLillie

Well what can I say? You have been a great inspiration to me and DH, we have since meeting you, paid loads off our mortgage and lived below our means, when not having to.
We have fun & spend money but are MUCH wiser now with how we chose to do that.

You are a lovely genuine person so if some people are !!!!!ing/backchatting/envious, it really is their problem not yours.

In the words of an old Billie holiday song:

'Ain't nobodies business if I do'

I'm upset for you that its got to you in this way.
I only see that you are kind, generous and a reliable friend, sod the people that must have sh*t in their eyes not to.

My neighbours DH always makes comments like 'Oh but your better off than us', 'You get everything', 'You can afford more than us' and when asking me to fetch baccy back from hols said 'You don't need the money upfront do you? Your loaded'!!!
It can be insulting & hurtful.
You have worked for what you have and even if you had not its your time now enjoy it.

LL

katep23

People who make these comments are not envious, they are jealous. You can be envious in wishing you had something whilst not begrudging the other person but jealousy is far nastier and more vindictive.



Someone on the MFW diaries said that they had had a lot of comments about how "lucky" they were to have almost paid off their mortgage early and they responded that it took a lot of hard work to be this lucky!

WantAnOrange

I think these comments are often far more a reflection of how that person feels about themselves than how they really feel about you.

I have a friend who often makes comments along the lines of "you're so good" or "you're such a good Mum" or "You are so good with money". I am none of those things, I am fairly average, I work hard, I love my kids and enjoy doing things for or with them but equally I find parts of parenting very challenging and get it wrong, I budget and care about our financial security but I feel that considering how I am going to pay my rent next before I spend all my money is 'normal' not 'good'.

Of course what she really means is "I'm not doing good enough, I doubt myself as a parent and I don't budget even though I know I should". It's a call for help in a way and even though it makes me very uncomfortable and sometimes quite cross when I hear these comments, I try to just listen and in turn point out where she is doing well because she is totally capable of all those things, but she needs some belief in herself to follow it through.

ash28

honeythewitch wrote: »

But there is an element of good fortune involved. You can plan and be careful but you are jolly lucky if you get to carry out your plans without illness, misery, or death putting a stop to it.

You are absolutely right and although I used my brother in law as an anecdote, I could easily have used my parents. My parents lost everything, house, job, car and even friends when he became ill. There wasn't the help available to them that there is now, and when he became ill when I was a child, and was eventually diagnosed with motor neuron disease, it was down hill all the way.

And there was no way out of it....and although my mother did go out to work until she had to stay at home full time to look after him, there was no recovery from the financial damage that had been done.

In a few short years we went from being relatively comfortable to almost destitute and totally reliant on the state.

Sometimes you have to tell yourself: there, but for the grace of God.....

GreyQueen

katep23 wrote: »

People who make these comments are not envious, they are jealous. You can be envious in wishing you had something whilst not begrudging the other person but jealousy is far nastier and more vindictive.



Someone on the MFW diaries said that they had had a lot of comments about how "lucky" they were to have almost paid off their mortgage early and they responded that it took a lot of hard work to be this lucky!

:T Excellent point.

If someone has what you'd like yourself, it doesn't detract anything from them if you quietly admire whatever it is. You can even ask people how they achieved X, Y or Z. Folks are often happy to clarify, but there's always the option that you might find the answers not to your taste, that the effort and sacrifices are not something you can or will endure. But that's also fine - you know and accept that you don't want to go there.

I think Caterina's original post and subsequent posts reflect that she is enduring unpleasantness from jealous people who want to don't know the history of how she and her family came to be where they are, and would rather impute (un)earned privilege/ unfair advantages, than think about the hard work and restraint which got them there.

Sometimes, people look at others who have identical or even lower incomes than themselves, yet who apparently have more money/ nicer things, and feel aggrieved. As if some form of deceit is being practised, when it's often different priorites.

My cousin has chain-smoked and been a very heavy drinker several times a week since her mid-teens. That's OK, it's a free country. I've chosen never to smoke and am a very light occasional drinker every few months, which are my choices. My 'beer and fag' money can be spent differently or stashed in savings. We're the same age (one just under and one just over 50), we're adults, we choose what we do with our wages.

I'm limited to just-over half the normal work-week due to several chronic illnesses, so cut my coat according to my cloth, and accept that what full-timers have isn't what I can have (nor do I deserve to have as much because I'm not earning it). It's a fine, modest life; I'm housed, have enough food, and there's a library just up the road which is open 7 days a week. I shall pop in there later this morning.

A few evenings back, I was talking to a dear friend. I know what they earn because they told me (3.5 x my earnings) but what they don't have to do for it..............!

I don't envy my pal. I don't like what money can buy enough to trade working 7am-10.30 pm in a pressure-cooker environment with some frankly hostile colleagues and management. Even if I enjoyed good health, I wouldn't want their job or one like it. Pal is getting to the point of jacking it in and looking for lower-skilled and lower paid work akin to my own job, just to have a life.

moneyistooshorttomention

At a very basic level, people who want to be jealous will be jealous regardless and they will be jealous even if you don't apparently have much if you are perceived by them as someone who "could do", but has chosen not to.

I've had times where I've been judged as "She's obviously doing alright...plenty of money" just because of things like the voice I have and not because I actually DO have the stuff they think I have. I sometimes feel like I have to state quite clearly exactly what sort of level of house/possessions I have and equally clearly that it isn't by choice (its just that that's the level I can actually afford iyswim) and that I am living within my means, rather than living at this standard because I choose to.

On balance, I'd rather people were jealous of me for having things because I actually had them, than jealous of me because they assume I have them (but I don't actually have much of what they are assuming I have) iyswim.

Am getting rather fed-up by now of saying "My income is ONLY....." and "I have to pay the bills, etc on my own" before the message gets home to people that I don't actually have that much, so "Ignore the voice and tastes and just look at the income."

[Deleted User]

I don't know what exactly is meant by 'getting the breaks' to enable you to be OS and have the frugal and debt free life that is being criticised.

I was born into a family so poor and disfunctional that I had to exert extreme effort to climb up into the gutter in the first place!!! also to work even harder to climb up from that position and make life a success and become debt free and content with what we now have. We have had no 'breaks', what we have has been achieved by hard work, abstinence and common sense. If you can count being made redundant out of the blue a break because it gave us the money to pay off our mortgage you may have a point. The other folks who were made redundant at the same time had Disneyland holidays, new kitchens,fine dining, new cars etc. we were still running round in a 15 year old Lada estate at the time but it still got us from a to b why did we need a BMW?

I think 'breaks' are not so much a factor in living a successful life OS style as the determination to maximise on any opportunities to help you clear debts by whatever means present themselves and having the determination to never be in debt ever again. For example we were paying 17 1/2% interest on our mortgage ar one point and when interest rates fell even though it was crippling financially we kept paying the higher amount because we'd managed (just) to keep our heads above water when we'd had to pay that much. It was HARD and we and the children lived on the basics and it was the right decision for us as it meant that when the redundance money was there we had a smaller amount left on the mortgage and enough to pay it fully. We did manage to get another job but it meant moving hundreds of miles from home and into an area where smaller houses than ours were selling at twice the price, not my idea of a break. However, we had our OS knowledge and applied it to life yet again and the rest is history. NOT breaks but application I think!

Caterina

Post deleted, please see first post. Thank you.

HopScotch

It's such a shame that people are so naturally quick to judge other peoples lifestyles without fully understanding or appreciating the sacrifices and hard work that has gone into achieving what you have.

Enjoy where you have got to and make the most of it, by the sounds of it you have earnt it!