The envy of people

Caterina

Update 10/10/2014

I am deleting my posts on this thread because I decided to ignore the envy of people and feel that keeping a written record of it gives me bad karma.

Thank you to all who have posted here.

[Deleted User]

CATTIE it's the human condition to be selective about perceptions of other people love. The world is quick to judge and blinkered against reality in my experience. You know what you've worked so hard at to achieve the life you have now but the rest of the world want that without doing the work and sacrifice entailed so just think lucky old you. You can hold your head high and enjoy what you DO have because you've earned it with sweat and tears and making the right decisions in life. Other peoples opinions aren't relevant petal, but know you have our understanding and respect for the sensible decisions and actions you've taken in order to be where and who you are today!!! Lyn xxx.

kboss2010

I know it's hard but screw 'em I say! Only you know how hard you worked for what you have, be proud of yourself and don't worry what others think.

I used to get this a LOT from certain family members. My Mum had a reasonably good job in insurance broking which she worked from the bottom up to get owing to her lack of qualifications or degree.

She decided to send me to a private school to give me a better chance than she had. She paid for it with a bit of help from my Gran and I got a small bursary too from the school. We didn't have much compared with some of the rich kids I went to school with and my Mum cut back on everything to be able to afford it. She did it because, unfortunately, I grew up in an inner city area where the only 3 local high schools were bad, awful and downright dangerous in that order.

I did well and ended up at university. I now have a 2:1 Biology degree and a Masters in Chemistry (the latter I paid for completely on my own by scrimping for three years and working in a rubbish job). I'm constantly in and out of work because permanent graduate jobs in science are very difficult to get, as with a lot of fields right now and they can be fussy - most of the lab techs I know, a job that you never used to need a degree for, are PhDs!

Yet certain members of my family on my Dad's side have this idea that my Mum was some millionaire and that I never had to work for my grades or anything else in my life because they chose to bunk school, have kids at 16 and then have more kids to get council houses. The sum total of most of their life ambition was 'I want a baby'.

It's infuriating to me, not because they think that about me, but they've sold themselves short. They always tell me that "I could never have gone to uni" - yes they could! (For all it's worth these days!) kids from single parent poor backgrounds get grants thrown at them and they'll get maximum student loans for the rest which they would only have to pay back if they got a job at the end. They just couldn't be bothered to work at school.

janb5

Caterina, this is the time to be supremely deaf! There will always be people who make snide comments but you can bet your bottom dollar they are simply jealous and overlook the hard work involved. Well done!

VJsmum

As ever, wise words from Lynne.

Nil illegitimi carborundum (don't let the b@$t@rd5 grind you down)

GreyQueen

I can certainly see how you have been able to arrive at your present comfortable position and applaud your long-term wisdom, thrift and restraint. And how upsetting it must be to have come finally into a safe port, economically, and then find that you are the subject of snide comments and envy, both within the family and without.

You can't control what other people do, think or say about you and I think it would be kinder to yourself not to try. They wouldn't want to read the post above and consider the lifestyle it represents, because it is something they could have done themselves, and chose not to, and their outcomes are different to your outcomes.

They may be feeling unsafe and insecure, and it's uncomfortable to them to look back on their own choices and say I really screwed up there, that was stupid, if I'd followed Caterina's example we could be mortgage-free and maybe I could go part-time or give up paid employment altogether.

It takes a big degree of emotional intelligence and courage to admit that we haven't acted in our own best interests at times and that where we are now is a result of what we did then. A lot of people will do any amount of mental gymnastics rather than admit they've done daft things. They focus the blame outwards and beyatch and gripe against others, some known and some unknown, to justify why they haven't got what their sister/ neighbour/ friend/ colleague/ acquaintance has got.

You're reaping the benefits of deferred gratification now, and they're reaping the dis-benefits of past indulgences. There's nothing you can do or say to someone who hasn't had that emotional LBM to make them see that and I think you'd be on a hiding to nowhere if you tried.

A small example of this from my own family with one of my cousins. I had wanted to travel to New Zealand since a teenager and had saved diligently from a very small and erratic income and achieved my desire 20 years later. Total cost of trip was change from £3k btw. One cousin was beyatching about this to our mutual grandmother, a woman who has seldom made a sharp comment to anyone. She told my cousin SHE (me) DOESN'T SMOKE OR DRINK.

Which cousin has done copiously for the past 35 years. And has certainly p'd away and incinerated a lot more than the price of my overseas trip-of-a-lifetime. But you can't reason with the irrational and it's a waste of time to try.

kboss2010

Lol, I've been a frequent bystander of the "I have no money, I'm so poor" crowd who smoke, drink and gamble away their disposable income and then come to you with their hands out wanting to borrow money because they don't have the self control to put money aside for a rainy day.

I came away from a phone call really angry the other day with a relative who made my Dad feel really guilty for not lending this person money when their money problems were entirely through their own laziness in planning and inability to control the amount they spend on socialising.

My Dad is about to go on a holiday of a lifetime that he's worked and saved really hard for for years too. He doesn't smoke, drink or go out much at all, this is his reward for saving.

What annoys me more is that I know plenty of people who are struggling financially just now even when they're sensible with their money and are working hard to keep food on their table. These are the people I don't mind helping out or going the extra mile for, not the ones who fritter their money away on rubbish.

[Deleted User]

Caterina ignore the snide comments as the old adage says sticks and stones etc.Both my late OH and I worked damned hard to get on the property ladder back in the early 1970s,then the 'winter of discontent' meant that mortgage rates shot up to 15% and we luckily managed to scape through that time . Our first house was the proverbial money pit, and we poured cash into it just to make it re-saleable After three years of scrimping like mad we managed to make about 3k on it enough to get us a more modern place which we stayed in for 24 years and extended and remodelled.We finally sold that place and bought our little cottage for cash and gave the children a lump sum each towards their houses.
Our previous house was a large family place, the house I am in now is much smaller, but a fraction of what the other one cost to run.

My neighbours can think what they like, I know I can afford to run my house, and eat well, go on holiday and run my car,from the outside they think I am loaded, I'm not, I am a very good manager of cash, and now I'm sadly on my own I feel less of the need to buy 'stuff' iykwim.

Our children were sent to a private school where we used to live to give them the best opportunities as the local schools were dreadful. But both my OH and I worked 7 days a week to keep them there, and at one point he worked abroad in the Sudan for extra money.They both have got good jobs and done well for themselves and I'm pleased as I wouldn't want my children to be scatching around as their Dad and I had to at times. My youngest has five children so life has been a bit more leaner for her than her sister ,although her sister also had lean times when her OH's business went bust in the 1990s crash.I just ignore snide comments, and people that do it are usually jealous of what you have achieved.

When our kids went to a private school my then neighbours thought we were mad as they were all off having fancy holidays, and we holidayed in the UK .We spent our money on what we considered was an investment in our childrens education. I never regretted what we did and my children are now settled and both earning and things are easier for them.I am happy to have a roof over my head, and food in the cupboard, and enough cash not to be scrimping anymore .but old habits die hard so I never waste anything ,cash or goods, and I enjoy recycling stuff and helping out my family.My neighbours can go whistle Dixie as far as I'm concerned.Its my life, not theirs so just ignore the comments

LadyMoney

Wise words from everyone; very eloquently expressed.

bossymoo

All you can do is ignore. You only have control of your own reaction to this.
10 mins after those comments, they will be forgotten by all but you.

I'm sometimes perceived as the rich widow. It's all nonsense, and if anyone dares comment within earshot they get a piece of my mind. People will always make assumptions whether we like it or not - nobody else knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Let it go. In the grand scheme of life it's not important. X

whitesatin

Methinks, who cares what others think?

I could be perceived as being pretty well off in comparison to many. I could be perceived as being pretty poor in comparison to many.

I am me and I live my life. I worked hard for everything I have. I came from a very deprived background which taught me the need for security at an early age. Through sheer hard work, my husband and I retired early, paid off the mortgage and live a comfortable lifestyle. Is anyone jealous of us? Quite possibly but that's their problem, not mine.

My advice is, just get on with living your life as suits you. Help others where you can through donations or otherwise, and you won't go far wrong.

Certainly don't waste time worrying about what others think of you.