Argh Inlaws - am I being ungrateful??

pattycake

pinkshoes wrote: »

This is nothing to do with the grandparents role.

DS sees both sets of grandparents regularly (even though my parents live a 3 hour drive away) and has a very good relationship with them.

I am cross because they insisted on having him, when i was more than happy to take him with me (which he would have loved!), then broke the agreement to have him home by 3pm when they knew i had plans. AGAIN.

I am sure they were trying to be helpful, but they are proving to be unreliable and stressful rather than a help.

I have learned my lesson, and in future will only let them take him out if i have no other plans that day, as they cannot be trusted with time keeping.

Other parents might be ok with their child being returned much later than planned, but i find it very stressful!

I am not trying to cause disruption. I just hate it when people cant stick to plans that are agreed.

Rereading your first post, your attitude seems to have changed. At first you were concerned you were being ungrateful to your in-laws but now you seem to think you did them a favour by letting them have your son.

CH27

pinkshoes wrote: »

This is nothing to do with the grandparents role.

DS sees both sets of grandparents regularly (even though my parents live a 3 hour drive away) and has a very good relationship with them.

I am cross because they insisted on having him, when i was more than happy to take him with me (which he would have loved!), then broke the agreement to have him home by 3pm when they knew i had plans. AGAIN.

I am sure they were trying to be helpful, but they are proving to be unreliable and stressful rather than a help.

I have learned my lesson, and in future will only let them take him out if i have no other plans that day, as they cannot be trusted with time keeping.

Other parents might be ok with their child being returned much later than planned, but i find it very stressful!

I am not trying to cause disruption. I just hate it when people cant stick to plans that are agreed.

How childish! You can't have your own way so you'll stop him having a great time with them?

Why don't you just talk to them. If you can't sort this out I pity you all living together.

Mojisola

CH27 wrote: »

Why don't you just talk to them. If you can't sort this out I pity you all living together.

I think this is important - you don't really want to spoil your son's relationship with his grandparents because of this, do you?

Either there was a misunderstanding and they thought they were helping you out by entertaining him for longer or they are really hopeless at timekeeping.

When he goes to them again and you have another thing planned, say very clearly to them that you will need to pick him up and leave their house by Xpm or you will be late.

If they still ignore your request, don't plan anything after his time with them - that may mean they see a bit less of him but don't make it a big "you can't be trusted" issue, rather "he'll be upset if we miss (whatever the event is)".

pinkshoes

CH27 wrote: »

How childish! You can't have your own way so you'll stop him having a great time with them?

Why don't you just talk to them. If you can't sort this out I pity you all living together.

Please read my post before making incorrect accusations.

I have not said I will stop them seeing him and having a great time - just not when i also have plans and need them to stick to a time scale.

I (and DH) have talked to them, they listen, but no difference.

Living with them is temporary but will be interesting.

BIL also lives at home, and has similar issues with him asking them not to do something, but them doing it anyway e.g. He asks them it to feed his dog at the table or when eating, nor to feed his dog junk, but they do it anyway.

They are nice people and i get on well with them, but i am sure they live on a different planet when it comes to doing what they want!

markdebby

It looks like you like to call the tune. They wanted to go out on the boat but you wanted to lift your child at 3pm and bring him back to be looked after at 5pm. This is not very considered of you. It's all I want with you and no thought for others.

Mojisola

pinkshoes wrote: »

I (and DH) have talked to them, they listen, but no difference.

BIL also lives at home, and has similar issues with him asking them not to do something, but them doing it anyway e.g. He asks them it to feed his dog at the table or when eating, nor to feed his dog junk, but they do it anyway.

They are nice people and i get on well with them, but i am sure they live on a different planet when it comes to doing what they want!

With this background, it shows the two occasions in your first post weren't one-offs. Responses could well have been different if you'd said they were always like this.

I don't think I'd ever plan an event after their baby-sitting, knowing what they were like.

It's unlikely they will change their ways now so you'll have to fit in around them in ways that won't make you upset/cross/resentful - especially while you're living with them.

millysg1

I think people are being too harsh on the OP.

markdebby wrote: »

It looks like you like to call the tune. They wanted to go out on the boat but you wanted to lift your child at 3pm and bring him back to be looked after at 5pm. This is not very considered of you. It's all I want with you and no thought for others.

the OP in laws ASKED to have DS. She preferred to keep him for the day but said yes to them anyway. How is that being selfish?

Mojisola wrote: »

With this background, it shows the two occasions in your first post weren't one-offs. Responses could well have been different if you'd said they were always like this.

I don't think I'd ever plan an event after their baby-sitting, knowing what they were like.

It's unlikely they will change their ways now so you'll have to fit in around them in ways that won't make you upset/cross/resentful - especially while you're living with them.

But she had these plans first and wanted to keep DS for the day. Wasn't she doing them a favour by saying yes you can have him BUT I have plans already at 3, How about I come pick him up and take him to what is already planned and then bring him back?

I think, as the OP is lucky to have in laws that help out and other people don't, that the people think the OP should just bow down to whatever the In laws want and she should just be grateful. I don't think that is right. My parents are very helpful with my niece and nephew but that's because they want to spend time with them not because my sister asks them too. But they would never dream of not sticking to plans and nor would I when I take care of them.

If my sister told me they have plans at 3, ok then, I will make sure there ready to leave at 3 then. Not, no I want them longer come back when I want you to!!!!!

duchy

So the grandparents- knowing you had other plans - and that you'd be letting other people down decided what THEY wanted was more important.
This at a time they know you are going through an upsetting time and should be even more considerate of your feelings rather than less.

I'd be very unimpressed in your shoes -and I'd make a point of telling them that the people you'd made arrangements with were very upset at you cancelling at such short notice.

At the very least they should have rung you and asked you before rather than ringing once they were afloat. They don't have very good manners- I despair of the older generation sometimes -no manners at all ! It's as if it's all about them !

Mrs_Soup wrote: »

I would be very annoyed if someone knew I had plans and just ignored them to do what they wanted when they were ostensibly helping out.
My parents look after my sons a lot and I am very grateful but we work together to agree on timings etc and check in with each other if we need to make a change.

thorsoak

pinkshoes wrote: »

Please read my post before making incorrect accusations.

I have not said I will stop them seeing him and having a great time - just not when i also have plans and need them to stick to a time scale.

I (and DH) have talked to them, they listen, but no difference.

Living with them is temporary but will be interesting.

BIL also lives at home, and has similar issues with him asking them not to do something, but them doing it anyway e.g. He asks them it to feed his dog at the table or when eating, nor to feed his dog junk, but they do it anyway.

They are nice people and i get on well with them, but i am sure they live on a different planet when it comes to doing what they want!

Their house, their rules ......comes to mind!

In your first post you said that your LO would have been bored whilst you were having your appointment - who would have been looking after him whilst you were talking to the medical staff? Other medical staff? You - holding on to him, whilst you are answering questions when you might have been upset?

In another post you say that you "hate it when people can't stick to plans that have been agreed"- but they obviously hadn't been agreed by both parties, otherwise you wouldn't be complaining, would you?

Step back - look at this dispassionately. You AGREED to them looking after your LO - how you can claim that they INSISTED upon looking after him, I fail to see - you could have said no.

Quite frankly my dear, were you my DIL, from now on, there would be NO free babysitting - and I'd certainly be re-thinking plans to allow you to move into MY home for more than three days!

I hate it when people think that their views are paramount and whatever they want trumps everybody else's actions.

duchy

thorsoak wrote: »

Their house, their rules ......comes to mind!



Step back - look at this dispassionately.
I hate it when people think that their views are paramount and whatever they want trumps everybody else's actions.

Quite frankly my dear thor you have missed the point.

HER child-HER rules

The grandparents knew she was due to pick up the child at three and had plans for the rest of the day. They didn't call and say "It's such a beautiful day could we take him on the boat instead-or are your plans fixed?" No they didn't even contact the child's mother until they were afloat and it was too late. They decided their wants were "paramount" and whatever THEY wanted trumped the existing plans made.

Grandparents who are disrespectful of the parent's wishes often find it backfires on them and they end up with less contact or even none . This is very sad but reading your condescending post in its entirety it's understandable how it happens ! You are very disrespectful towards your adult child and their spouse - I sincerely hope it doesn't come back to bite you on the bum !