What on earth do we do??

lostinrates

I'm sad so many have had bad lodger experiences! DH lodges through the week and we've had lodgers and its almost always been a success for us.

The trick with friends / family I think is to be EVEN clearer on boundaries and to have really finite time period.

You have the finite time period ( no more than a year....which I think is toppy for someone not working or in education....that's a lot of time actually IN the home) and you need to agree chores if its not a conventional lodger but a friend or family member.


A few years ago my bil was in a not dissimilar situation and we offered him the opportunity to stay with us, BUT for a certain number of man hours work a week! which have him enough time to look for work and get back where he wanted to be! and no opportunity to mope and most importantly, something to offset against our space sharing....any time we would feel ....grr he's just here, we could thing, but look how much time he put into things this week. He's trying too.


Eventually he didn't need it, but its important to balance this kind of situation for sanity IMO.


I think the only way forward now would be a sit down conversation about 'how its going' and 'where you see it going from here'.

If you still want to help you are a kinder person than I. I don't have kids, but lodgers, family or who ever have always understood that the rules for the animals IS the rules, and they aren't for everyone and no one is compelling the human to stay.

Syrah

I could have written this a year ago! We had a lodger move in with us, (a friend of a friend) who was an apprentice and paid a low wage so we only charged a nominal rent. She worked 16 hours a week and the rest of the time she lay on the sofa watching- I kid you not- the Disney channel. She never offered to help with dinner, or wash up or anything remotely useful. She would appear in the kitchen around 6pm and say "mmmm what's for dinner" but never contribute towards it. She was bossy with my children, they clearly irritated her and she would snap at them and tell them off in front of me.
She would talk at an incredibly loud volume (we aren't a loud family) and she would make phone calls at 1am talking and laughing without making any effort to tone it down- she woke the kids god knows how many times.
After 2 months, the very sight of her made me edgy and we told her she was too different to us and it wasn't going to work. I can't tell you how much more relaxed I was when she left!

onlyroz

lostinrates wrote: »

I'm sad so many have had bad lodger experiences! DH lodges through the week and we've had lodgers and its almost always been a success for us.

I think there is a big difference between renting a room to a professional at the market rate, and renting a room to a friend/relative at "mates rates". It is so much harder to lay down ground-rules with a friend, especially if the arrangement started off without any firm agreements being made about payment, responsibilities and an end-date.

As for the lodger telling off your kids, I admit that with our "lodger" I started deliberately not noticing when the kids wound him up. He chose to live in a house with young children and so if he objected to being woken up at stupid-o-clock by a young child singing/dancing/suffering night-terrors/wanting their wet sheets changing/wanting to share details of their recent bowel movement then he knew where the door was. Admittedly, he did help me bury my dead rat, and occasionally bought the kids comics and ice-creams, but that's hardly compensation for nearly 9 months of rent-free accommodation.

Pollycat

To all the people (including the OP) who have had problem lodgers - did you set any 'these are set in stone' ground rules before they moved in?

RuthnJasper

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I was never what you'd call a good parent, but if somebody staying in my house through my generosity shouted at my cat, never mind my kids, the only notice he'd be getting was my opening the upstairs window before he went headfirst out of it.

Hehee :rotfl: - But, yes - I'd be 100% the same. The first time anyone in this situation shouted at my dog would also be the last time.

BigAunty

Pollycat wrote: »

To all the people (including the OP) who have had problem lodgers - did you set any 'these are set in stone' ground rules before they moved in?

For the 3 paying lodgers I had (as opposed to my non-paying friend), they individually each insisted before they moved in that they were clean and tidy, often describing themselves in this way when applying for a room.

I showed each of them where the cleaning material and hoover was kept and my expectation about communal cleaning, including the loo and bath and kitchen after use, that they empty the kitchen bin and that they tell me if they wanted me to change the heating timer.

I didn't set rules about their room, giving them complete privacy and a key but on the rare occasions that I entered their bedroom with their permission and giving notice (for example, to let in roofers and heating engineers), their rooms were catastrophically messy (lots of dirty crockery, clothing strewn including dirty undies, lots of takeaway cartons). They did return them clean at the end but upon exit might have been the only time they'd dusted and hoovered it...

As I stated before, they just didn't seem to have any gumption or basic housekeeping skills, didn't have the habit of cleaning as you go.

I really think they were quite lazy but more likely just had no real knowledge and little experience in how to clean or do basic things - for example, one of them rang me when I was away to say a bulb had blown (even though I had showed them where the spare bulbs were) so I had to persuade her to change the bulb, I don't think she'd ever changed a bulb before and was a bit nervous!

For example, cooking pasta in a saucepan and then just putting the leftovers in the fridge by plonking the saucepan in there uncovered, scratching and breaking things and not thinking to tell me. I'd come back from holiday and find the heating timing set to 24/7 instead of on the timer but they never asked to change it. I think they had no idea how much energy costs (or didn't care as the bills were inclusive).

Once I left for a 2 week holiday when the kitchen bin was nearly full and I kid you not, I came back to a pile of rubbish at the foot of the bin along the floor and then actually empty boxes, tins and cartons placed neatly in a row along the kitchen worktops - it apparently was too much effort to take out the full bag 10 yards to the exterior bin!

The washing up liquid ran out when I was away and the lodger used handsoap or just rinsed the crockery in hot water and put the greasy stuff back in the cupboards. I think one of the lodgers was too lazy to iron and used to put dry items in the tumbledrier instead of pressing them! The tumbledrier and washing machine was directly under my bedroom and there were midnight washing sessions which I had to request stop (it never occurred to me to say 'no laundry in the early hours as it will keep me awake').

The thing that stopped the tension is that I was away from the property at least half the time and knew I would be selling the property in the near future, grateful they were paying the bills when my income was sporadic.

They were generally quiet and generally (but not always) told me in advance of their overnight visitors.

It could have been a lot worse (okay, one of them did an overnight flit owing me a month's rent and not returning the key, possibly tampering with my mail and trying to order credit in a false name but that was my own fault for not screening her very well and I was planning to ask her to leave anyway).

So I can see why ground rules are important but you just can't change a mindset or give an inexperienced person good cleaning/housekeeping skills or habits.

onlyroz

BigAunty, if I were to ever take in a lodger again I would only do it if I could say "these are your sections of the house and these are mine". I would also insist on a complete separation of kitchen items - so "these are your cupboards for your plates, pans etc, and these are mine". And "This is your shelf in the fridge and your drawer in the freezer". And "Any dirty pots left in the kitchen after midnight will be put into the garden". I would never again get into a situation where I was made to feel uncomfortable in my own home.

I can understand why a lodger, particularly a young one, might not expect to have to do housework in communal areas, and might be clueless about changing bulbs etc. I would also not particuarly expect them to keep their own room clean, as long as they did not cause actual damage - it's none of my business if they want to live in a filthy slum. But I would not tolerate mess being left in communal areas, food being left out, rubbish not being properly disposed of.

BigAunty

onlyroz wrote: »

BigAunty, if I were to ever take in a lodger again I would only do it if I could say "these are your sections of the house and these are mine". .

I can't envisage having a lodger again but if I did, yes, that's how I would do it. I knew at the time it was just a short-term thing until I sold that property and was away so often that I was able not to let anything get me down. I could have been more assertive but that's just not my personality.

I even viewed some properties awhile back that actually had separate flat-lets within them (their own kitchen and bathroom, no shared amenities other than a front door) and that's probably a good way to manage it. One of the owners often had long term lodgers, medical staff from a local hospital.

I think it takes a particular type of person to be a lodger or to be a live in landlord. Three of my friends have been long-term live in landlords and in the main, their lodgers work out and they get shot of the bad ones quickly.

I was a lodger on 3 separate occasions when younger, two worked out but a third one was a disaster. I gave my week's notice to leave as per our agreement but this annoyed them and the landlords chucked out all belongings into the garden then and there!

My friend works for a language school and offered to send me her nicest students and pull them out asap if it didn't work out. I wouldn't have minded this but my partner wasn't sold on it despite it being good money and short term.

Mojisola

BigAunty wrote: »

I even viewed some properties awhile back that actually had separate flat-lets within them (their own kitchen and bathroom, no shared amenities other than a front door) and that's probably a good way to manage it.

Except that would be a tenant and not a lodger which means complying with a lot of legislation and making it much harder to get someone to leave.

BigAunty

Mojisola wrote: »

Except that would be a tenant and not a lodger which means complying with a lot of legislation and making it much harder to get someone to leave.

I understand that if the lodgers floor or wing is accessible within the actual property and doesn't have a separate/sole entrance then merely sharing a landing and communal door is sufficient to prove the live in/shared amenity element.

I'm aware of the expectation that there is shared space and that the lodger must not have exclusive occupation and it can't be the type of annexe which has a separate and additional council tax bill. I just don't think that it necessarily requires a shared bathroom or kitchen for the 'shared' stipulation to be fulfilled, it just can't be completely segregated.