What on earth do we do??

System

It could work out if you told him.

"Its not your place to tell my children off"
"Run the vacuum over whilst I bath the children please" (tell him don't ask).

Your going to have to take control, as it is he's got the comfort of a home without having to do anything to earn his right to live there.

j.e.j.

Malcnascar wrote: »

It may help if I explain why I am being so harsh. My next door neighbour is 75. Her daughter, aged 50, had a problem with relationship breakdown and said she was about to become homeless. As you might expect the mother provided a temporary solution foir her daughter. It's nearly 2 years since that act of kindness. My neighbour has been forced by the daughter to stop seeing her friends, is talked to by the daughter like she is something nasty you tread on in the street. Fortunately one of her friends had the courage to support her, he lives in Spain and when things get too much for she stays with him. In the last year i have seen my neighbour more in Spain than in the UK. The daughter says if her mum tries to get her to leave she will claim squatters rights. The daughter pays nothing towards the household bills. I have given the same advice to my neighbour as I have you, act now whilst you can or regret.

What a shame when it's a member of her own family taking advantage like this, but unfortunately it's far from rare. An ex in-law tried that trick on my own grandmother. Luckily they did manage do get rid of the lazy sponger eventually, but the cheek of some people is unbelievable!!

To anyone reading this thread and thinking of helping someone out in a similar way, I'd advise to assertively lay down some ground rules before they move in AND some expectations about how long the person will be staying. Unfortunately you can't just assume that the other person will behave reasonably and responsibly, even if it's a friend or relative.

OP I would start hinting to the man that he might have to look elsewhere for a place to live if he doesn't like the noise of the children, etc.. see how he reacts.

RuthnJasper

Gavin83 wrote: »

He'll never move out, he has it too easy. He doesn't have to do anything around the house and from the sounds of it he isn't paying any rent either. He'll literally be there years unless you put your foot down.

I'm not a parent but if I was shouting at the kids would be a deal breaker for me. I'd tell him he is no longer welcome (word it depending on how bothered you are by the continuing friendship) and give him whatever notice you feel acceptable.

I'm with Gavin. I'm not a parent either, but your little tots (and you!) deserve to be able to relax in their own home. I would be very unhappy if someone to whom I was giving a MASSIVE helping hand was not only idle, but having a snip at little children. There's no need for it.

Get your "guest" on to Shelter - http://www.shelter.org.uk/. Plenty of sound advice on there.

Good luck Riversong - hope you get it sorted with the minimum of bother. x

BigAunty

I know it's sensible to have a chat to clear the air to release the tension and set down clear expectations around housework and attitude to the kids.

But I can't help but think he's perhaps a little selfish and immature and so this type of behaviour and attitude won't really shift, though he might be galvanised into more positive action for awhile before he drifts back to his old self.

I had paying lodgers (not friends) and found them to be generally very dirty, untidy and lazy round the house, not very energy efficient (turning on the heating 24/7 when I went away on holiday or weekends away, using the tumble drier on sunny days and so forth). Kitchenware would be broken and just tossed in the bin without an offer to replace it.

All 3 of them just didn't seem to have any housekeeping skills and that was despite me setting the expectation that they pick up a hoover, empty bins, clean the loo and bath after use and showing them where the cleaning materials were kept.

Cleaning was just an alien concept, there was just no house pride, perhaps they saw it as something that ought to have been included as a service with the rent or that I was just 'fussy'. I also think that as they were generally young (no older than early 20s), they really truly had no cleaning or basic housekeeping skills.

I think that honestly, they just didn't notice any stains, crumbs, spills, hairs, skidmarks, tidemarks or anything - they would leave the bathroom and kitchen without so much as a second glance.

I had a friend stay with me for 3 months because her rental flat suddenly required disruptive building work and she didn't have much time to find a new tenancy because she had to head overseas for a month.

She was quiet, clean and tidy. She worked long hours and was appreciative of the meals we cooked and set aside for her late return. She cooked for us on her rare nights off. We had a morning bathroom rota to make sure no-one was late for work. We would not accept any rent from her as we didn't want to a kind turn to become a business relationship. At the end of her stay, she bought us a large gift voucher and thank you card, plus invited us for a meal in her new place.

Person_one

Malcnascar wrote: »

Because he doesn't respect his friend or his friends family.

It may help if I explain why I am being so harsh. My next door neighbour is 75. Her daughter, aged 50, had a problem with relationship breakdown and said she was about to become homeless. As you might expect the mother provided a temporary solution foir her daughter. It's nearly 2 years since that act of kindness. My neighbour has been forced by the daughter to stop seeing her friends, is talked to by the daughter like she is something nasty you tread on in the street. Fortunately one of her friends had the courage to support her, he lives in Spain and when things get too much for she stays with him. In the last year i have seen my neighbour more in Spain than in the UK. The daughter says if her mum tries to get her to leave she will claim squatters rights. The daughter pays nothing towards the household bills. I have given the same advice to my neighbour as I have you, act now whilst you can or regret.

You need to do something about this:

http://www.elderabuse.org.uk

pollypenny

I agree with the others. You and your OH need to show a United front, sit him down and politely, but very firmly give him notice.

And not a long notice, either.

marywooyeah

OP have you considered something like offering to go to the Housing Aid office with him or providing a letter in support of an application for housing confirming that he can only stay with you for a few weeks so? Or showing him adverts for rentals, information about housing benefit etc.

If you keep pro-actively encouraging the concept of moving out it will reinforce that this is a temporary arrangement and that he needs to find alternative accommodation fast.

With regards to your children, his treatment of them is unacceptable The early years form much of a child's personality and attachment relationships so if they are constantly exposed to a man who snaps at them they will be negatively affected by this, you need to stand your ground that he needs to go asap to ensure that your household returns to a happy one.

Good luck with it all x

RuthnJasper

Person_one wrote: »

You need to do something about this:

http://www.elderabuse.org.uk

My own thoughts exactly. Bless you for posting the link, P_o. The put-upon neighbour deserves better than such a hellish existence. x

BigAunty

marywooyeah wrote: »

OP have you considered something like offering to go to the Housing Aid office with him or providing a letter in support of an application for housing confirming that he can only stay with you for a few weeks so?

In England (different rules in Scotland), the local council housing department only has an obligation to help the homeless in priority need which includes having disabilities or dependents, for example. There is no legal obligation for them to offer accommodation to a healthy single person, though they may perhaps give some advice on how to find private accommodation or suggest a local homeless hostel, for example.

Taking a letter purporting to evict them to the local council may not necessarily mean the council will actually offer any real assistance, though it could be a wake up call that he has to sort things out himself and at least tell him his actual options.

The Shelter website has excellent information about how a local council will deal with someone being evicted, their responsibilities.

Some councils run deposit guarantee schemes for those in housing need/on low incomes or benefits, effectively paying the tenant's deposit directly to the landlord, hence the lodger won't need to save up. The OP could check if the local council runs such a scheme and what its criteria is. Also, if her lodger is on benefits, she could ask the benefit forum members what loans the DWP may offer to those in need of the first month's rent and deposit.

Having said that, I saw on a thread on MSE the other day that one prospective tenant was turned down by every letting agent when mentioning the deposit guarantee scheme - she was informed that the local council were so slow and inefficient in handing over the deposit that they prefer people who currently have a deposit together.

It's not clear why the OPs lodger lost his previous accommodation or job, or if he's on benefits. HB claimants are deeply unpopular with landlords. If he hasn't got his first month's rent and deposit together, there's virtually no landlord that will touch him. Not the OPs problem though. Perhaps her husband would like to lend him this money?

j.e.j.

BigAunty wrote: »

It's not clear why the OPs lodger lost his previous accommodation or job, or if he's on benefits. HB claimants are deeply unpopular with landlords. If he hasn't got his first month's rent and deposit together, there's virtually no landlord that will touch him. Not the OPs problem though. Perhaps her husband would like to lend him this money?

I think in reality 'lend' might effectively mean 'give'..

Unfortunately, as you say BigAunty, a council is unlikely to house an healthy/able-bodied single man with no dependants.

He is going to need to 1) get a job and 2) get saving. He doesn't seem to be making much headway with either of these yet?