What on earth do we do??

Armorica

Say...
- he's been here a month but you don't really think it's working out and either, that he should find somewhere else to live, or tell him what he needs to do in order to stay (help with housework; don't shout at children) a little bit longer, and that you'll review again in 2 weeks. If it doesn't improve, say you expect him to find his own place by the end of October.

Why are you friends with him?

Riversong

?...........

onlyroz

I feel your pain.

We had a friend of my husbands living with us from November last year to August this year after his flat was reposessed. Hubby has known him since he was nine-years-old and thinks of him like a kid brother. He refused to charge him rent and also was extremely reluctant to press him about his plans. As a result he had absolutely no incentive to leave - he had a nice comfortable rent-free room with broadband, sky tv etc etc so why would he expend any effort in finding somewhere else to live.

After several months it became clear that our "friend" was living in la-la land, with vague hopes of going on the council housing list and absolutely no knowledge of what a private rental would actually cost. After a lot of prodding and nudging, and months of me getting increasingly anxious about the invasion of our personal space, he finally left and is now sponging off his brother.

So my advice to you is to clearly set down ground rules as soon as possible. Your friend needs to be informed about any expectations regarding house-work and rent, and which areas of the house he is permitted to use. It needs to be made clear that he is not the parent of your children and so any discipline is your responsiblity and not his - and as it is not his home he has no right to say which parts of it the children are allowed in. And you need a clear agreement on timescales for moving out - unless you say "you must be out by the end of October" (for example) he'll still be there in a year's time. Also remind him that beggars cannot be choosers - point him towards spareroom.co.uk and gumtree where he will find plenty of rooms to rent (and also an indication of how much he should be paying you for your kindness).

Riversong

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fairy_lights

6-12 MONTHS to get back on his feet and move out? I think you're being very overly generous!
Does he pay you rent? I'm sure he could find himself a room in someone else house to rent if he put some effort in. He sounds quite ungrateful to me, I think most people in his shoes would be falling over themselves to help out round the house to show their gratitude and avoid being a burden. I think you need to put your foot down and give him a deadline for moving out and maybe draw up some kind of housework schedule to nudge him to pull his weight a bit.

BigAunty

It's a shame it's not working out, particularly since there seems to have been some sort of agreement or expectation that he could stay there at least 6 months and it's barely past the first month. So there shouldn't be that much surprise that he's focussing on his job search at this stage.

How did he end up losing his last accommodation?

If he qualifies for housing benefit (due to having capital less than 16k and low income), then because he's under 35, the local housing allowance rate is set at the bottom third cheapest rooms in shared properties. He's too young to get the 1 bedroom rate (and even then it's rarely sufficient to cover the cost of a 1 bedroom property anyway). So if he is dependent on HB, his desire for a 1 bed is completely unaffordable. Check on your local council what the shared accommodation rate of LHA is. If he is/will be reliant on Housing Benefit, then let him know what his entitlement brings him so he can modify his expectations.

The best lodgers are sorted, solvent people in full time studies or employment. The problem with having a friend staying is that if the lodger relationship breaksdown, the friendship can be ruined.

Riversong

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TBagpuss

Armorica wrote: »

Say...
- he's been here a month but you don't really think it's working out and either, that he should find somewhere else to live, or tell him what he needs to do in order to stay (help with housework; don't shout at children) a little bit longer, and that you'll review again in 2 weeks. If it doesn't improve, say you expect him to find his own place by the end of October.

Why are you friends with him?

This seems like a very sensible suggestion to me. I think I would also say to him that while you are willing to help him, he needs to understand that he is paying you less than half what a normal lodger would pay and that you cannot continue to subsidise him, and that he will need to increase what he pays to a full market rate for a lodger from mid October.

I think it is also reasonable to say to him that having now had the experience of sharing your home you don't feel it will work long term so it is importnat that he finds him self something more permanent sooner rather than later.

If you feel you don't want him to stay even if he gets his act together then be honest about that. Tell him it isn;t working, that you are willing to give him a further month to allow him time to sort out somewhere else but that he needs to be out by 24th Oct and in the mean time, needs to pull his weight and to treat you and your home with respect.

Armorica

onlyroz wrote: »

So my advice to you is to clearly set down ground rules as soon as possible. Your friend needs to be informed about any expectations regarding house-work and rent, and which areas of the house he is permitted to use. It needs to be made clear that he is not the parent of your children and so any discipline is your responsiblity and not his - and as it is not his home he has no right to say which parts of it the children are allowed in. And you need a clear agreement on timescales for moving out - unless you say "you must be out by the end of October" (for example) he'll still be there in a year's time. Also remind him that beggars cannot be choosers - point him towards spareroom.co.uk and gumtree where he will find plenty of rooms to rent (and also an indication of how much he should be paying you for your kindness).

Exactly - be clear on what you expect and then it's up to him whether he stays or not. You probably do what a medium term goal of moving out by spring? Xmas? even

You and hubby should both speak to him at same time. It might help to have a light form of contract / house rules.

onlyroz

Unless your "lodger" is falling over himself to be helpful and accommodating then you will gradually end up feeling more resentful, and the friendship will suffer and probably end up breaking down. Our "lodger" did so many little annoying things that it gradually became intolerable having him there. Little things like making short phonecalls, which added up to about £20 a month extra on the phone bill. Or putting the wrong things into our recycle bin. Or telling off the kids when they got too noisy. Or hogging the TV with his rubbish american soap operas. Or hovering around us when we were trying to eat dinner, and swiping scraps of food off our plates. Or filling the house with the stench of his deodorant. And eventually, when he did move out, not thanking us in any way for our hospitality.

The longer you leave things in an unsatisfactory state the harder it will be to make changes.