Opinions please.

*Robin*

How much would you spend on all your siblings and their family's Christmas presents, OP?

Given that it was OP's siblings who pushed for the memorial in the first place, if I were OP I'd use my money / savings that would otherwise have been spent on their gifts, to pay the charges.

No-one will notice one less present on a day of consumerism excess.

Each sibling family would receive a card with a 'photo of Mum & Dad's memorial - probably dressed up with a wreath, candles or whatever to celebrate the season - and a message inside explaining where OP's gift budget had been spent (probably not necessary to add why ).

Of course, this then sets a precedent; OP will always have to pay the council fees. But with five years' notice and a piggy bank for small change, £200-250 doesn't seem unachievable.

raven83

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Wow - you learn something new every day!

Is the plaque where the ashes are buried or is it on some sort of wall?

If its the later I don't think I would bother; its not where the ashes are buried but I would probably feel differently if it was the former.

I must admit I've never heard of this sort of thing with cemeteries - it almost reduces them to those of schemes you see at football grounds etc of sponsoring a stone

The plaques are on top of where their ashes were buried.

I know my parents are no longer there and I think of them every day, but it just feels sad that they would no longer have any sort of memorial. Maybe I am just being silly but I find it a comfort that I can go somewhere and know they was there IYSWIM.

dandelionclock30

I know if it was me that had passed away I wouldnt want my family to be paying the council any money after my death. I certainly wouldnt want them shelling out every few years.
Having/not having a plaque doesnt mean anything regarding your memories or how much you valued your parents. Instead, I would go with the rose/tree idea, and possibly give a small donation to a charity where the money is actually spent on the cause not the CEO.

gettingtheresometime

raven83 wrote: »

The plaques are on top of where their ashes were buried.

I know my parents are no longer there and I think of them every day, but it just feels sad that they would no longer have any sort of memorial. Maybe I am just being silly but I find it a comfort that I can go somewhere and know they was there IYSWIM.

ah in that case I can see why you're a little upset.

And whilst I think Robin's suggestion is a good one perhaps you do need to think longer term ......I'm not sure how to put this so please don't take offence at what I'm going to say.

If you take sole responsibility for the upkeep of the memorial, then what happens when you're no longer around (and I hope that won't be for an extremely long time!) to ensure its renewal? They will always be 'there' so that won't change but I think what you are upset about is the lack of a physical sign that they existed (if that makes any sense) but the best physical sign of that is you and your siblings surely?

raven83

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

ah in that case I can see why you're a little upset.

And whilst I think Robin's suggestion is a good one perhaps you do need to think longer term ......I'm not sure how to put this so please don't take offence at what I'm going to say.

If you take sole responsibility for the upkeep of the memorial, then what happens when you're no longer around (and I hope that won't be for an extremely long time!) to ensure its renewal? They will always be 'there' so that won't change but I think what you are upset about is the lack of a physical sign that they existed (if that makes any sense) but the best physical sign of that is you and your siblings surely?

Yeah you are right, I have thought long term and obviously one day it wont be there, I know if my dad was alive he would say never to part with that money as he was very frugal! I just feel sad, but I think I will go with the rose bush idea in my garden and maybe get a little plaque made up for them

Primrose

I sprinkled my parents' ashes in one of their favourite beauty spots and that is sufficient memory for me as I can't visit it very often. I think you have to ask yourself exactly what purpose the memorial plaque is fulfilling in your own mind that it needs to be perpetuated. It seems that your siblings have gone theiugh this mental exercise and decided for whatever reason that it is now time to "let go".

Could you perpetuate their memory in a different way? If the memorial,plaque is removed because you cannot afford to continue funding it will the council let you have it, and you perhaps fix it to a garden fence or your house wall and plant a rose bush or some other favourite plant nearby?'

My grandparents gravestone was in a cemetary and went to rack and ruin over the years because my dad moved awAy . When in his fading years he announced his intention to revisit it I went in advance to check it out and was so horrified at its state that I spent about £250 having a stonemason refurbish it before the parental visit. My elderly dad was delighted and commented how well it had stood up to the weather and passing years!! T I never told bim what I'd done but it was a rather pointless exercise because i too can no longer easily visit it and it has probabky reverted to a delapidated state. Nobody else in the family is likely to visit it so I have decided it is time to let go.

Perhaps it' s time for you too to start remembering your parents in a different way?

DaveTheMus

You and your siblings and all of your children are a permanent and enduring memorial to your parents......

A plaque on a wall means nothing, what is important that you live your life by the morals that your parents instilled on you. That's a real homage.

Toto

Regardless of what anyone else may think about how this may not be a good use of money, is this important to you? Does it give you something which adds value to your life? Would you miss it if it were gone?


Could you perhaps think of something else which wouldn't need an upkeep fee? How about having your own plaque made? Plant a tree or a bush in your own garden and put the plaque down with their names and dates so you feel you have still got the physical item.


Otherwise, if it is important to you and you would miss having their names where they are then I would suggest perhaps keeping it for the next 5 years and seeing you feel when the next renewal comes knowing you will probably be the only one paying when that time comes.

Pollycat

raven83 wrote: »

The plaques are on top of where their ashes were buried.

I know my parents are no longer there and I think of them every day, but it just feels sad that they would no longer have any sort of memorial. Maybe I am just being silly but I find it a comfort that I can go somewhere and know they was there IYSWIM.

No you're not being silly at all.
Just because other people think differently to you, that doesn't make you wrong.

Regardless of whether there is a plaque or not, that is where your parents' ashes are buried.
Even if you decide not to renew the plaque, would it be possible for you to still go to the same place and find the same comfort?

indsty

Only you can imagine how you will feel about this. On the other hand, a little forward thinking might mean - £200 every five years between five people is £40 each - which works out at £9 a year each. Maybe, if you do decide to replace it yourself you could suggest a kitty and each Christmas everyone puts in £9 in their memory and you will then have enough. I hope you find a solution you feel comfortable with.