Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

NoOneAround

Cherryfudge said:

Oh that's such a nuisance, and when I do it I find my repeat version is never as good.

How are things?

Hello Cherry,
Hope you're well and enjoying the hot summer
It's so frustrating! Just retyped as been a bit demotivated to do anything else........................


I'm already nearly 2 weeks into my summer break! We've been away last week and managed to relax a bit. We've had very few holidays since I started this diary, for obvious reasons. This one felt very different. Two adult children who are now both working, so paying their own way. I had to do very little of the organising - they did it! It felt very strange not being the one organising everyone and planning what to do when for a family. It will take some getting used to - DD likes to be in control 

I've spent the last couple of days catching up with washing and admin for the voluntary work I have continued to do over the years - running a local charity support group, which over the last couple of years has become quite well established, so I'm really pleased, and it feels very rewarding to be able to help people, though at times it becomes quite demanding, sometimes people don't realise I'm a volunteer.

I've started a very long list of tasks to do, and have managed to tick a few off, but already I'm beginning to feel the pressure of summer slipping away too fast. Trying not to think too negatively, however it seems like we have attended so many funerals - three this year alone -of family members younger than me. It's hard not to think about how things can change in an instant. Trying to plan in regular happy things to do, but I'm still not used to doing things just for me. Everyone says it's now time to spend together with DH. This year is our 40th. However, we have drifted apart and that's the first time I've put it in black and white We find it difficult to talk with things blowing up into an argument over the slightest things, we are very different people, and I'm much less tolerant than I use to be. Some of my friends our enjoying time together after kids have left home. I'm not. But I also find it difficult to plan to do things on my own without feeling guilty, and when I do, it feels very lonely. Lonely is the word that always comes to mind every day. All of my time for so many years was taken up by kids and parents, so now I often feel a bit lost. And alone. I did have some grief counselling over the phone through GP/Cruse last year, and whilst it helped to talk, it felt like that's all it was - me talking/crying. Never done anything like that before so wasn't really sure what to expect, but GP said not all counsellors are the same and and one size doesn't fit all, and it doesn't suit everyone.

I try to just keep as busy as possible, so work sorts that out and now I hopefully have a more fulfilling role. But I always feel there's something missing. 

Garden is very dry!! hoping to spend a bit of time pottering but the heat has been exhausting. I'm going to make a a list here to hold myself accountable!

Sort out BT overcharging issue (I have been avoiding calling)
Sort out life insurance overcharging issue after policy ended 2 years ago ( another avoidance thing)
Look at all pensions to find out where I am!
Continue paper decluttering (mega huge job as have worked from home for 20+ years!!!
Continue clothes decluttering (try and do a big run on vinted)

Windows cleaning outside (another big job - for when harvesting has finished)
Repotting all indoor plants (long overdue)
Photo decluttering/organising on PC and phone (mega job!!)
Make time for some painting art and crafting
Buy some new clothes and shoes

Marathon session done so will say Bye for now!
Love NOA 
x

debtfreewannabe321

@NoOneAround aw I can feel the loneliness in that post. I'm sorry you're feeling that way.
I spent my entire marriage feeling lonely. It was awful. I busied myself with kids and housework but couldn't do it what with all the other stuff I was dealing with (we hadn't just drifted apart he was a womanizer). I ended up staying in the marriage and "finding myself" I stopped feeling guilty for doing things on my own- after all my ex and I had nothing in common aside from children and a home. I started wearing clothes I loved even though he'd always discouraged me from looking different to the other wives...I went veggie and I started volunteering at a charity that meant something to me and made friends at meditation groups. He hated it all 🙂 but my point (I am just getting there) was I started being happier because I didn't feel so lonely and I had lots of friends that I knew were 'safe' around him as he thought us all weirdos together. I obviously split up with him, but I had disassociated a long time before I left and I think it's what saved my sanity and my joy from completely disappearing. I hope you find some joy, some friends who help you to feel wanted and some happiness in hobbies that you love (can you find a group to do your crafting/ art with?) 

Ps I wish someone would take control of the holidays here they stress me out booking them to the point we barely go anywhere as I'm always left doing it. 😆 I will hope and pray one of my kids wants to take over when they're a bit older lol x

Cherryfudge

You have a lot on your mind. I hope you and your DH can work something out: have you thought about whether some sort of relationship counselling might be useful? Also possibly more grief counselling: it sounds to me as though you have made some progress with what you've already done but there's room for more. Your GP is right that not all counsellors are automatically right for the person they are paired with.

You 'to-do' list looks daunting, but not dissimilar to mine, should I write it in the same way. Oh, that paperwork! Yuck. And the plants... I could spend all day doing things with plants but one needs to eat, etc.

How about a rephrase of your list along these lines?

Frogs:
Sort out BT overcharging issue (I have been avoiding calling)
Sort out life insurance overcharging issue after policy ended 2 years ago ( another avoidance thing)
Look at all pensions to find out where I am!

Choose either BT or the insurance. What paperwork do you need for the call? Make one call with a notebook in hand so you know where you stand. The rest is a job for another day.

Baby steps:
Continue paper decluttering - 10 items today
Continue clothes decluttering - list one item
Repotting all indoor plants - repot one plant
Photo decluttering/organising on PC and phone - check your deleted file and empty it
Make time for some painting art and crafting - have you a list of projects? Have you got UFOs? Choose one item and mull it over while you do the mundane jobs.
Buy some new clothes and shoes - start a list of what's needed and pin it where you can add to it when you remember, or put it on your phone. 
Windows cleaning outside - clean glass on exterior doors (if any), put equipment away in a grab-able fashion and leave till harvest slows down.

Just my suggestions, feel free to ignore! (It's easier to do someone else's list than your own!)

NoOneAround

@debtfreewannabe321 @Cherryfudge Thank you both
 DFW for sharing, it sounds like you know from experience exactly where I'm at. Sorry you've been through all of this too. I have a couple of close friends who I see occasionally outside of work. I meet up with others on a monthly basis through the volunteering I do - but it's a support group for everyone who has the same invisible illness I do, a few have become friends and in time i hope we might plan things outside of the group. But it's tiring and sometimes my mind is elsewhere. I have thought about doing some classes, but I don't want to commit yet as am always so tired. I like doing the crafting myself - it's like meditation for me, but regularly making the time/having the energy is the issue at the moment. 

Cherry - for taking the time to edit my list It is very daunting and I try to do the baby steps, my scribbled list is very long but with broken down tasks. Giving it a fixed number of items to do is a good way of trying to be consistent, thank you. I always mean well when I start, staying consistent is what i have to work on. 

DH is basically a good person, I know that I will never leave, but I feel very sad for both of us. He's not a talker ( at least not with me) but when in other company he doesn't stop. I suggested joint counselling years ago, he doesn't see what for and doesn't believe in that nonsense psychology stuff. I've just got to find a way of getting some enjoyment out of life. I no longer see my friends that we saw saw as couple/family, because I would rather see them alone, but that's never been the case before so difficult to organise. At some point I will probably consider more grief counselling, the months of caring for mum at home (my choice to do this)was emotionally traumatic. 

Today was reasonably productive - Big grocery shop done, and three items from online purchases that needed returning were dealt with in the same trip out. I cleaned one side of the under sink cupboard where dishwasher salt had been spilt by DH weeks ago, but not cleared, and it had corroded bottom of an aerosol spray and rust stained cupboard - got it all off so pleased. Paid a bill, and made a list of work stuff I need to get done before the start of term. No frogs dealt with today but will try one first thing tomorrow before i distract myself with other things!

Have promised myself will try to get to bed before midnight every night.....
Bye for now,
NOA
x

NoOneAround

debtfreewannabe321 said:

Ps I wish someone would take control of the holidays here they stress me out booking them to the point we barely go anywhere as I'm always left doing it. 😆 I will hope and pray one of my kids wants to take over when they're a bit older lol x

@debtfreewannabe321 Fingers crossed for you!!! It was funny watching DD stress what what to do when and to include something for everyone... they do start realising how much effort it all took over the years! 

NoOneAround

It's been an exhausting few days but I did get to see siblings at the weekend, we went out for a meal in London, the first time in a very very very long time. We are all trying hard to move on. 
Spent half a day at work (unpaid) but have a lot to catch up on with stuff that didn't get done at the end of term due to line manager leaving. Will need to put in quite a few hours (probably 2-3 days -  in the holidays to make sure I start the new year on a stable footing especially as I will also be responsible for new staff member that is taking on my role.

Update on my list:

• Have collected paperwork for the phone calls to BT and the Life insurance company - calls tomorrow...
• Have cleared out 1 carrier bag full of paper(receipts/letters etc) - can see half my dining table!!
• Ordered some clothes from summer sale from one company
• Filled one carrier bag with clothes to go to charity shop/textile recycling - in boot of car already
• Didn't repot plants but did 30 mins pruning outside and filled green bin for collection
• Deleted lots of emails

Hoping to do a similar amount over next few days.
NOA
xx

Cherryfudge

I hope the time with your siblings is the start of something new, even if it's just a tiny sprout of newness...

That's quite a chunk of time to have to give to work over the summer. Good idea to put in the groundwork for a good start when you go back officially, though.

Brilliant inroads into the list! Well done . I've done very little with paperwork recently- must keep chipping away...

NoOneAround

Thank you Cherry. We (siblings) said the same thing ourselves

Quick update for my own benefit: 
Haven't made the phone calls yet .... but find myself stressing about work, excited and wanting to be ready for a running start in September. 
BUT yesterday I cleared 3 lever arch files of paper - went through and took out sensitive data and  an archive box of paper went out in the recycling bin! It was admin and training I'd done for a volunteer role I no longer do and am unlikely to go back to. Among the stuff I found a few sticky notes praising work I had done which was lovely - it feels a nice thing to have received and will implement in new role. It felt good letting go, I hung onto these things because they were reminders of when I felt valued and when I felt I had an identity of my own, and might need them again. How times have changed!

Popping into work today for 2-3 hours, change of scene - from home tidying tor work tidying

NOA
xx

NoOneAround

Good news update 
Logged on to pay my Self employment 2nd instalment tax before 31st July and.... Really pleased to see that  had previously overpaid so account was 30 pounds in credit! Another job ticked of my mega list, and no money has left my account
a happy NOA ....xx

Cherryfudge

Great that you get that as a 'freebie'! (Well okay, already paid, so thanks to your past self ).

I am in awe of three files gone. And lovely to find the post-it notes again. Have you thought of creating a folder somewhere of nice things like that, which you can look back to when you need affirmation? I have one in my emails: just nice things people have said which warm me from the heart outwards.