Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

brizzledfw

Campus sounds ideal. Fab start. Great news, and such a relief for you

arsenalbarnie

NoOneAround wrote: »

Thanks Flugelhorn,
That's good to know, so hopefully it will be through maybe tomorrow... I guess because they were asked to do so much before hand in terms of competing paperwork/sending photos etc, I naively expected it two process within a day or two. But as a parent I keep forgetting there's probably 20000 other students who are also the centre of their families universe;), and that's just at our uni....
Hope you kid(s) are doing great:) x
x

Hi there have been reading your thread. Re student finance, experience from my 3 that have been to uni, money usually goes in on weekend before semester starts, so it should be in her account at the weekend. My sons letter this year says 29th Sept but as I said it should be in there on Sunday. Hope this sets your mind at rest. You are doing really well coping with everything btw. Sounds like your DD
has settled in already. :T

NoOneAround

arsenalbarnie wrote: »

Hi there have been reading your thread. Re student finance, experience from my 3 that have been to uni, money usually goes in on weekend before semester starts, so it should be in her account at the weekend. My sons letter this year says 29th Sept but as I said it should be in there on Sunday. Hope this sets your mind at rest. You are doing really well coping with everything btw. Sounds like your DD
has settled in already. :T

Thank you arsenalbarnie! that's good to know!
I wish I had read all the paperwork that was coming through, but I didn't because I wanted DD to know correspondence arriving for her was now HER responsibility! It was me that filled in all the student finance forms so she could concentrate on A Levels etc, so I don't know what her letter said date wise.
The only thing was that when I spoke to her yesterday, she had yet to find her way to the library

---

:eek: hope that she realises it will be quite important being as she is "reading" English lit!!!!!

NoOneAround

Alarm bells ringing......_pale__pale_


There's a mum here trying hard to let go but not succeeding.
Spoke very briefly to DD last night just past midnight. It turns out her "counselling" others has been taken a step too far in my opinion. A friend of hers at another university has been whinging all week that he doesn't like his uni or course (a few days after starting?) and has been phoning her lots. He did this during sixth form. She was really close (as a friend) beginning of 6th form when he didn't have any friends - my DD is good at making friends and looking out for people, having been the "excluded" one herself in a small class herself. However by year 2 in 6th form he had made friends with all her friends and no longer needed her, so sometimes weeks would go by and he would have no time for her - she was really upset as she had invested so much time in him, others had drifted away. He would phone to offload in he middle of the night but was never there to listen when she was down. I thought she had learnt her lesson.
Last night she said he was there, staying until Saturday:eek::eek:
I had said to her earlier in the week when she told me that he might come visit, that he needed to be at his uni out meeting other students there.
Didn't sleep all night - couldn't say what I wanted to say last night as he was there. I trust DD implicitly - she is a really sensible girl and proved that many times in 6th form. Knowing from life experience this lad is a "leech" a horrid word I know but he clings when he needs you, drains you then moves on. After DD he was superfriends with another girl and then dropped her and moved on to someone else(am not talking about boy/girlfriends just friends) . It seems he is now back to DD. She should be concentrating on her new life at uni, last time this happened they were labelled a "couple" by everyone even though they were not --- I am afraid that he is going to do the same again. Last night she stayed inflat instead of going to event watching dvd with him.


Don't even know if she has read accommodation guide, if he allowed to stay? fire regs etc. Should he be in flat alone when she is at lectures (security)?


Have asked her to call me when she can talk, but am I interfering - just need her to realise what he is doing - if he is not happy he should be talking to his parents, not gate crashing a uni where he isn't at.


I have lots of paperwork to do today but can't concentrate.

hohum

You might have to let her figure this one out for herself NOA.

All you can do is advise to avoid her making his troubles a priority over her own settling in. Because it would be a great displacement activity for her, wouldn't it...

My advice:

- don't express an opinion about him. Just don't. My parents were the masters at this and I dated some very unsuitable men . And I always came out unscathed. He might make her sad. This is part of being human. You're going to have to let her be sad if that's what's going to happen. If she's your daughter then she's not daft, right? She will figure out who he is.
- don't tell her what to do. Ask her how she plans to handle conflicts of interest eg if she needs to be at uni and he wants to stay and hang out
- reinforce - his problems are not hers to carry or to solve. She can be a good friend but there's things she needs to attend to. Her 'job' is to be a great student and find out what she likes in her life. Her own life vest on first, always.

And remember.... there may come a time when you will have no idea who she's hanging out with! You can't control from afar. But if you can feel like you've equipped her as well as you can with the skills she needs, then that's something.

Haha I am so going to get a child like me. My parents would not have known about some lad staying with me at University. It could be worse. She could be sending all her time with a leech 10 years older than her...(not that I did that at University at all. not me. Nope.... But then I was a very stubborn young woman who thought I knew it all!)

Igamogam

hohum wrote: »

You might have to let her figure this one out for herself NOA.

All you can do is advise to avoid her making his troubles a priority over her own settling in. Because it would be a great displacement activity for her, wouldn't it...

My advice:

- don't express an opinion about him. Just don't. My parents were the masters at this and I dated some very unsuitable men . And I always came out unscathed. He might make her sad. This is part of being human. You're going to have to let her be sad if that's what's going to happen. If she's your daughter then she's not daft, right? She will figure out who he is.
- don't tell her what to do. Ask her how she plans to handle conflicts of interest eg if she needs to be at uni and he wants to stay and hang out
- reinforce - his problems are not hers to carry or to solve. She can be a good friend but there's things she needs to attend to. Her 'job' is to be a great student and find out what she likes in her life. Her own life vest on first, always.

And remember.... there may come a time when you will have no idea who she's hanging out with! You can't control from afar. But if you can feel like you've equipped her as well as you can with the skills she needs, then that's something.

Ha! Just about to post and Ho Hum got there first with pretty much what I would say.................:)

My DD1 went to University with her BF much against my better judgement as he was not academic in any sense - he dropped out after first year but stayed and took up a 5 year apprenticeship. They are still together in same university city 3 years after DDs graduation but I think she has given up a lot.........she knows how I/we feel. She knows that this is home for her whenever she needs it but ultimately she knows we feel strongly that there comes a point when the chicks have to make their own way in the world as hard as it is looking in from the sidelines not to jump, in scoop up and put it all right.

NoOneAround

Hohum and Igamogam
Thank you for your wise words Its only the first week and am finding it hard ---was totally happy with how she was settling in until the bombshell last night....its just that she is so trusting and believes everything everyone says (which I did too at that age:o) . I know they have to find out the hard way sometimes....(I did too) but it's so hard....

Have done really well this morning and not sent a single one of the follow up texts to DD I kept writing every 30mins !!!!! Pat on the back for me!!!!

HoHum - I believe you and no, my parents didn't know either!!! But I like to think I have a different relationship with DD than I did with my parents - it was a loonnggg time ago (in the days when hitch hiking was ok, even though we didn't have mobile phones :eek:)
Igamogan - hope I can take a leaf out of your book.


xx

NoOneAround

Well then, managed to exchange a few texts with DD over course of the day. She says she has told her friend to speak to his parents and he says he will do. She says he is going back tomorrow and that he has stuff that he can do tonight, while she is going out. Hope that that's true...and she's not just saying it to stop me worrying!!!!
Anyway, on another note she will make one mean MSEer - her first shop today came to £9.69 and she texted me very pleased with herself with #achievement :T
No lay in tomorrow for us as DS has to be at school being a tour guide and playing in band for open morning. I am dropping him off then earning 33 on my pocket money earner job. Timing are perfect and worked out well as it means just one journey into town . But then I need to do another shop as he has invited a group of friends over for sleepover so need food for 4 teenage boys lunch and supper and breaky....:(
Have nettles in abundance in garden but they don't eat greens:D
Will be a busy weekend so may or may not keep up ....
Happy Weekend everyone :wave:xxxxx

brizzledfw

Try nettle soup. It's lucious! You'll need potatoes, but with nettle tops it's great and full of iron

Have a great weekend and well done re DD. Igamogam and Hohum are right IMO..

Xx

NoOneAround

Morning All:)
Mentioned Nettle soup to DH and DS yesterday Brizzle and they both said EEEEWWWW in unison so I think I will try it one day and tell them its spinach or something;) Did remind them we have nettle /peppermint teabags from twinings in our cupboard!


Busy day Saturday, dropped son off for Openday at school, went and made 24 x 6 year olds very happy and had a lot of fun and earned £33 pound, picked up DS and friends, picking up click and collect from MR T on way home, made French bread pizza which went down a treat, then boys retired into lounge to play and be couch potatoes whilst I did washing, cleaned kitchen, tidied piles etc etc, ended up overdoing and back which had not recovered from last week seized up again ;)Went to bed about 11 with promise from boys that they would switch and and SLEEP at sleepover at 1am. Woke up at 4am and could still hear them playing games, Came down and they instantly pretended they were asleep. I asked should I pull th plug out - no one answered " I know your awake...if you want to save the game please do so now..." Did they really think I thought hey were asleep?????:rotfl:


Went to see parents on Sunday after DS's friends picked up, was nice to see them but very sad.


DD doing well, will be spending lots of books today. her Loan Finance came through OK it was in her account on Saturday so as long as rent goes monthly then she should be oK for next 6 weeks or so... during which time I hope she manages to find a job.
Todays Tasks
Several phone calls to make - need to juggle dates of direct debits as Club Lloyds current account pays interest but at the moment 80% of the income goes out 1 day after it comes in ....need to try and work it so that at least 50% of it goes out towards end of the month in order that it earns interest...every penny counts!
Have a good day everyone x