Spent 4 years pretending it's all OK

NoOneAround

Sun's out!!
Productive hour so far
Bank details changed for life policies and appt made for call back to review next week.
Bank details changed for car insurance.


Will keep plodding on
Anyone remember that song 4 wheels on my waggon? Just popped into my head now and I can't get it out


4 wheels on my waggon
but I keep riding along
those creditors are after me
letters fly right on by
but I'm singing a haaaappppeeee song
Right ahead there's a debt free life
and I can watch those creditors go galloping by ....:rotfl:


then its down to 3 wheels etc counting down to no wheels,
and he gets captured after 0 wheels

NoOneAround

Productive hour to non-productive hour:mad:


Have stopped stocking biscuits and chocolate in house as I need to lose weight and improve fitness. as a result I end up munching on cereal - 3 handfuls of cookie crisps probably have the same number of calories as a bar of choc so its not working! Had a cup of hot water instead of tea to try and fend of headache I feel coming on.


Beautiful sunshine outside keeps calling calling...:)


DD still in bed has come down with a cold as she volunteered in college last week so exposed to 2000 students after a quiet summer! Needs to be fully fit otherwise fresher's week next week will be difficult.


DS settled in good routine for school, and is getting on with his homework every night.


Am cross because can't find OH insurance policy to set up new DD.


Did 300 steps in 3 minutes on cross trainer (removed clothes of it - used as an expensive clothes horse!! AM planning to do this min 5 x today. Every little bit counts.

hohum

NoOneAround wrote: »

Thank you brizzledfw for the much needed hugs:)
I think you are probably spot on. He's just so angry all the time, even at DD and DS, especially DS so needs a good and positive male role model at the moment, but all he ever gets is orders and telling offs. I try hard not to say anything, but it often gets too much and I can't help myself, which then makes it even worse.


OH is just so angry all the time , there is always an edge to his voice. He is not a talker, will always be the joker but never really say anything that means anything. He comes from a big family but none of them get on together and we haven't seen them for many years, so he has no one close to talk to. I come from a very close family though no one knows about our situation.


Going to a GP - he would never do that , especially not if it was me that suggested it. He poo-poos anything to do with "state of mind". I have a science background and read a lot around different ways of dealing with all sorts of issues, he just laughs at it all...eg when I try and explain what teenagers need and building positive relationships etc. He seems to be stuck on " when I was that age I did this ,....was already ..... etc etc". By the was when we got married he was already not talking to his father, they never made it up. Lots of history. Sorry to bore you with all that.


Anyway bottom line is I don't know how I woud get him to see a gp.
xxxx

It is bloody hard juggling things all the time, and having that horrible frantic patching from this to that. People do react differently. My boyfriend is a bit of an keep it to himself worrier, but he is self aware enough that I can usually weedle it out of him eventually.

The word that is coming to my head is resentful? Perhaps not consciously but subconsciously. Particularly if he feels he should be responsible for providing for the family. Sometimes you can get so knotted up you resent the people you love for what you perceive as your lack of choice.

It might be worth doing a bit of figuring out what's a motivator for him, what's most important and maybe reasoning out the resentment. It's that thing of what's being resented - the lack of spending money? Responsibilities? It's all possible to be changed but it may mean being radical in the choices you make. The fact is, whether it might seem like it or not, it is a choice to stay and it is a choice to gather debt and it is a choice to get out of debt.

Every so often that's kind of the conversation I have with myself and my boyfriend. I choose to work in the field I'm in, he chooses to be in a relationship with me. Actually the hardest thing is to get him to actually voice his desires. There's a house I'd like to buy but I'm sure as dammit not buying it with him while he's saying 'while you're happy I'm happy'. No mate, I'm not having you turn round to me in 5 years and say 'this isn't want I wanted'. I want the opt in, hiding behind the passive acceptance is not enough.

I have to be honest and say I do wonder if the benefit you and child are getting from your school is worth the cost to your family of basically being on a knife edge financially? Particularly with 6th form. Equally, and I know I'm being horribly radical, but how much joy does the house bring vs the cost of maintaining it and the mortgage? I am thinking this about our car. On paper, we should get rid of it but we haven't saved up enough to replace it and I don't do car loans/ leases. but I know we won't get rid of it even though it doesn't make financial sense. That's a choice and I am OK with it. But clinging on for the sake of maintaining the status quo is horribly stressful, and I at least find making choices based on quality of life rather than shoulds usually leads to better outcomes for me.

NoOneAround

hohum wrote: »

It is bloody hard juggling things all the time, and having that horrible frantic patching from this to that. People do react differently. My boyfriend is a bit of an keep it to himself worrier, but he is self aware enough that I can usually weedle it out of him eventually.

The word that is coming to my head is resentful? Perhaps not consciously but subconsciously. Particularly if he feels he should be responsible for providing for the family. Sometimes you can get so knotted up you resent the people you love for what you perceive as your lack of choice. Definitely the case! He is resentful as he says "I didn't think I would have to be working this hard at my age"

It might be worth doing a bit of figuring out what's a motivator for him, what's most important and maybe reasoning out the resentment. It's that thing of what's being resented - the lack of spending money? Responsibilities? It's all possible to be changed but it may mean being radical in the choices you make. The fact is, whether it might seem like it or not, it is a choice to stay and it is a choice to gather debt and it is a choice to get out of debt.

Every so often that's kind of the conversation I have with myself and my boyfriend. I choose to work in the field I'm in, he chooses to be in a relationship with me. Actually the hardest thing is to get him to actually voice his desires. There's a house I'd like to buy but I'm sure as dammit not buying it with him while he's saying 'while you're happy I'm happy'. No mate, I'm not having you turn round to me in 5 years and say 'this isn't want I wanted'. I want the opt in, hiding behind the passive acceptance is not enough. He has always just passively accepted - and then blamed.....most recently example is new laptop for DD - he is more techy than me so I asked him to help her decide on one. He went along and they chose 3, came home checked prices and then I went to buy it with her. It was a clearance model and last one so the one on display only one available in that colour (but not used as no demo loaded on). I called him at work and told him - he said I should negotiate a bigger discount. I couldn't as the chap said that's why it was clearance price, so I called OH again. He said "whatever you want", so I bought it. Turns out WIfi wouldn't work consistently so he spent next 2 days saying "that's what you get if you buy second hand". He then "Sorted it out" and bought a different colour, which was "new in original box" which obviously worked fine. He always leaves the final decision with me - always has done.

I have to be honest and say I do wonder if the benefit you and child are getting from your school is worth the cost to your family of basically being on a knife edge financially? Particularly with 6th form. DD went to state 6th form - son will too in 3 years time..... Equally, and I know I'm being horribly radical, but how much joy does the house bring vs the cost of maintaining it and the mortgage? I am thinking this about our car. On paper, we should get rid of it but we haven't saved up enough to replace it and I don't do car loans/ leases. but I know we won't get rid of it even though it doesn't make financial sense. That's a choice and I am OK with it. But clinging on for the sake of maintaining the status quo is horribly stressful, and I at least find making choices based on quality of life rather than shoulds usually leads to better outcomes for me.



I am also very resentful as he has always left the decisions to me, will never talk sensibly about anything, always flippant at even the most inappropriate times. He is also very stubborn, and once he gets something into his head, that's the end of any reasoning. I am most afraid of is that the differences were always there, but before we worked around them. We are very different personalities. There was a time a few years ago (before debt ever became an issue) when I asked him if we should see a counsellor ...that went down like a lead balloon. But things picked up because he realised how serious I was.


I also think - can't remember if you said this earlier - his self esteem is at an all time low - kids never seek advice from him etc etc did tell him that he needs to earn it - not just by putting food on the table but by getting to know them and spend time with them (his idea of spending time with them is watching tv (news) or films he likes, and then telling them off if they read instead!

Thanks Hohum -all your comments are really insightful and helpful.


Oooooooopppps
This sounds more like relationship problems than debt:(


Actually all I want is to be able to talk it through properly with him...any decisions we make are going to affect us all, but to me it seems like he just wants me to say " lets sell the house" or "lets take son out of school".


If he makes me make those decisions without TALKING about them properly, it will be the end for us anyway.


There, I've said it.




So sorry everyone :mad: just letting it all out!!!!

NoOneAround

NoOneAround wrote: »

This is an amazing link- there are some helpers and growers (mainly for community projects) within a few miles of our house ......definitely worth enquiring :beer:


On list of things to do.


Thank you HoHum:j

Just tried to call one of the numbers (nearest to us) but the info is out of date will move on and try those a bit further out.

hohum

It probably is both. Relationship problems, but there's nothing like debt to really throw a shining light and disturb whatever's always been there.

I've known my boyfriend for 17 years (we've been together for five years..this time round ) and I still discover new things about him all the time. I remember my Mum telling me she thinks it was about 7 years in that she started to really get to know my Dad and understand how he worked . Aren't we funny creatures, all these little thought processes locked away and from the outside it just looks like we're being crazy!

Right now I am in a pretty nice place with boyfriend, but that wasn't the case a few months ago. We do go through phases and maybe it's this difficult period is an opportunity to figure out more about how to deal with each other. When you sorted things out before, is there anything you did then you can do now?

The other thing I think is good to get your head round is that you feel resentful towards him. That's a biggy because it seems you're both feeling trapped by the situation and resenting each other, not getting the support you need..something has to shift. Does it help at all to decide that you are choosing to do the finances? Would he understand why you'd be upset by the laptop thing if you explained?

brizzledfw

Ho hum...really powerful stuff you've talking about here. I have read some of it twice as I think it's shining a light onto some of the stuff me and my OH get angry/resentful about too. Thanks:D We are also in a much better place these days but it's good to have these reminders.

NOA...you have done some really practical stuff there so well done and as for the emotional stuff, just try and think about it and work out what you really want to do. You may have to force the situation. To be be honest, sometimes I have tackled my OH when he is at work, had a long chat as somehow he is often more 'business' focussed then and less defensive than when we are face to face. Sometimes I have also said 's@d the budget, a divorce is more expensive than a dinner' and taken him out. Minus the kids! Either way think you should set yourself a timeframe and then start taking some steps to constructively (well as constructively as possible) express your concerns..

Brizzle

NoOneAround

hohum wrote: »

It probably is both. Relationship problems, but there's nothing like debt to really throw a shining light and disturb whatever's always been there.

I've known my boyfriend for 17 years (we've been together for five years..this time round ) and I still discover new things about him all the time. I remember my Mum telling me she thinks it was about 7 years in that she started to really get to know my Dad and understand how he worked . Aren't we funny creatures, all these little thought processes locked away and from the outside it just looks like we're being crazy! It is crazy but it is what makes people so interesting! OH and me a miles apart in terms of emotional intelligence - he has always looked after number 1 -doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I worry too much about what everyone else thinks, especially those close to me.

Right now I am in a pretty nice place with boyfriend, but that wasn't the case a few months ago. We do go through phases and maybe it's this difficult period is an opportunity to figure out more about how to deal with each other. When you sorted things out before, is there anything you did then you can do now? Really glad for you HoHum... getting through the hard times makes every relationship stronger I think. When we got married it was his idea "lets never go to sleep on an argument" and for years we didn't. Since kids, things changed (as they do but actually only after No 2. then gradually over the 12 years, the length of timing of sulks got longer - and its usually me that gives in because I can't stand it. It seems that this time I'm not giving in and I am prepared to fight for what I want.

The other thing I think is good to get your head round is that you feel resentful towards him. That's a biggy Yes it is! because it seems you're both feeling trapped by the situation and resenting each other, not getting the support you need..something has to shift. Does it help at all to decide that you are choosing to do the finances? I have chosen to deal with the debt...actually I have always done the finances...is that what the problem is.... I've always done it and its always been fine, except that when business has gone downhill its not fine....perhaps thats' why I get the sarcastic "ask the bank manager" jibes. Would he understand why you'd be upset by the laptop thing if you explained? I tried to talk to him yesterday, explained that it was not "secondhand" and that occasionally you do get duff electrical kit ...that it was just unlucky...also explained that's why I hate trying to resolve eg printer issues at home, or if the remote control doesn't work he always says " what have you done to it"......to be honest he switches off when I get upset about anything now ----very little tolerance left in either of us these days, I'm sad to say

Anyways ...how did you get so wise....you sound a good decade or two younger than me!!!

NoOneAround

Technical problem flashed up on site and have just lost typed up reply to you brizzledfw....too tired to type it again,
will update in morning
Lentil curry and parathas sounds good. Had a lazy pizza night tonight as have been very good first half of sept....
xx

NoOneAround

Busy morning so far....
Did school run and took DD with me to do last bit of Uni Kit shopping. Managed to do most of it ~ £100
but she now has pots/pans/kitch utensils/ single beds sheets/mattress protector and so on, ....think only thing left is colander as couldn't find a plastic one. Managed to get decent lap top bag using the stamps from Mr Tes** for £15 ...all items either on sale or from sains***y or Mr Tes** value/basic ranges.
Hopefully she can pack now. Also has basics like washing powder/cleaner and toiletries sorted so with a food shop on Friday she should be sorted for first 2 weeks, gives a time to find a part time job.


More phone calls to do toady, plus bank said they would waive interest on personal OD and they haven't. Dreading that call.


Haven't heard anything yet from job applications but it is only the 3rd working day.


Got result from MRI scan - fortunately nothing untoward - now just have to wait for some minor surgery on NHS - will probably take forever, wish could afford to do privately.


Still can't find OH car insurance policy :mad: bet its filed in the wrong pile. Will have to go through everything again.


Have been thinking about bursary rejection again, am going to email again.