I am such an idiot! When will I learn?

dory22

judi24 wrote: »

Thanks dory - since that post what I do now is keep bread in the freezer as we don't generally use a lot of bread so it tends to go mouldy. I do have the ingredients in to make bread if I had too I guess! I have also started having some milk in the freezer (didn't know you could freeze milk!) however DS has ADHD and some other issues and is likely to be on the autistic spectrum - he will not touch food that might be past his sell by date - so having defrosted milk can lead to problems as it looks out of date - then he wont touch it! I have to try to keep him away from the bottle and pour it for him so he doesn't see the bottle!

i don't know where you get your strength and energy from judi i'm only 28, living at home and yesterday was signed off panto ( i work in costume, long days like you) with exhaustion (18 months of 15 + hour days and little sleep, due to mild depression, no time off) and have no children, your like a machine.

regarding your daughter would your eldest daughter be able to have a chat to her? if not stop doing everything for her. let her pay her phone bill (if she doesn't already) stop making her different meals if she's going to be fussy she either eats what's in front of her, makes it herself or goes hungry. if she's going to treat you with such disdain do it back to her only way she'll learn, i used to have to earn pocket money cleaning cars and doing shopping for neighbours, i worked 3 evenings a week plus a saturday while doing a full time college course and theatre work, when i was 16. she's had it good. draw up a rota for all the kids, my sister is a recent single mum with a 9 yr and 6 yr boys they get pocket money from me (she cant afford it at the mo) if they help out around the house, eg not dumping coats on floor, loading the dishwasher, taking rubbish to bin, feeding the dog, setting table etc, the 6yr loves hoovering! so the kids are never to young to start.

you need to be cruel to be kind with your daughter, my folks were with me and iv never had any debt.

your daughter needs to grow up and learn life is tough for everyone, we cant always get what we want out of it, but we can choose to carry on in out situation and drag everyone down with us or we can change something, we're all in charge of our own lives,money, happiness and career she needs to realise that, might be why she's making your life hard because her lifes not working out the way she wants at the moment and she cant see that she needs to change that.
make her see if she helps you out it benefits her as you wont be nagging her

judi24

Thanks for your posts Dory (reminds me of Finding nemo - I love that film - 'Just keep swimming!' ) I don't always have the strength or energy - which I why I guess I get so down when things get on top of me in the house/with money/with work etc - but having kids and being a single mum means I can't do anything else but get on with it as no one else will! I am certainly not a machine - I get down and stressed about it all!


I do need to have a proper chat with DD2 but I find her attitude so frustrating at the moment that I always end up just having a go at her which winds her up and we get nowhere! I have stopped filling the freezer with the junk food she likes but she comes in from work late often she rarely eats with the rest of us - I keep a portion of whatever I cook for her but often take it to work myself the next day as she is so fussy! She also thinks she has such a hard life - whenever I say to her that at her age I had a house etc - she just laughs and says that my fault for getting pregnant and having to move out - which is not actually true - I chose to! My mum would have been happy for me to stay at home as she didn't like my partner and thought I was making a mistake anyway!!! (which turned out to be true! But then I wouldn't have had my 2 daughters with him!)
When I say I am tired and need help she throws the fact that she works too and its my own fault I have 4 kids on my own!!! I am so frustrated with her! I am not asking for a personal slave I just want her to see that she should be helping a bit more because she is no longer a child and I'm her mum and have worked hard to give her a good (but not perfect!) life! But I also think she is desperately unhappy with her life but doesn't have the ability to fix this - then I feel guilty as I am not and don't know how to help her!!
As you suggest I am going to do a chores list for everyone - and give the younger 2 pocket money based on this starting in Jan. They do help a little but usually when I have a meltdown about things being not done!


You do sound like you have been doing crazy hours - so maybe you just need a break too - sometimes you need to listen to your body and rest (i'am obviously better at giving than taking advice!!! ) I am sure you will be back on form soon - doing panto sounds great but hard work! I am sure a break will get you back on form!

greensalad

judi24 wrote: »

I don't expect her to be a slave but surely as another adult she must see that she should be helping in the house a bit?

As someone of a similar age to her I'd say that she probably doesn't act like an adult because she has got away acting like a child for too long. Sorry if that's harsh.

Being thrown in at the deep end is what helps. I went to university at 18, which is a great "buffer" in between being a teenager and an adult as it allows you to take some responsibilities whilst still having a bit of stability.

My boyfriend's sister is just the same. 23, lives at home. She works but she's completely incapable of considering moving out on her own. She moans about having to pay her car tax and insurance all the time. She won't leave despite having a decent job in an area with very cheap rent prices. She's just not bothered enough to leave because life is difficult and she has it easy.

I would also say that I had a horrible relationship with my Mum. We argued a lot about similar things, (cleaning, washing up, helping round the house). After I'd been gone a year or two our relationship grew so much stronger. I love my Mum now. I wouldn't have said that as a teenager. I love when she comes to visit me. But I also like it when she goes back to her own house

dory22

judi24 wrote: »

Thanks for your posts Dory (reminds me of Finding nemo - I love that film - 'Just keep swimming!' ) I don't always have the strength or energy - which I why I guess I get so down when things get on top of me in the house/with money/with work etc - but having kids and being a single mum means I can't do anything else but get on with it as no one else will! I am certainly not a machine - I get down and stressed about it all!


I do need to have a proper chat with DD2 but I find her attitude so frustrating at the moment that I always end up just having a go at her which winds her up and we get nowhere! I have stopped filling the freezer with the junk food she likes but she comes in from work late often she rarely eats with the rest of us - I keep a portion of whatever I cook for her but often take it to work myself the next day as she is so fussy! She also thinks she has such a hard life - whenever I say to her that at her age I had a house etc - she just laughs and says that my fault for getting pregnant and having to move out - which is not actually true - I chose to! My mum would have been happy for me to stay at home as she didn't like my partner and thought I was making a mistake anyway!!! (which turned out to be true! But then I wouldn't have had my 2 daughters with him!)
When I say I am tired and need help she throws the fact that she works too and its my own fault I have 4 kids on my own!!! I am so frustrated with her! I am not asking for a personal slave I just want her to see that she should be helping a bit more because she is no longer a child and I'm her mum and have worked hard to give her a good (but not perfect!) life! But I also think she is desperately unhappy with her life but doesn't have the ability to fix this - then I feel guilty as I am not and don't know how to help her!!
As you suggest I am going to do a chores list for everyone - and give the younger 2 pocket money based on this starting in Jan. They do help a little but usually when I have a meltdown about things being not done!


You do sound like you have been doing crazy hours - so maybe you just need a break too - sometimes you need to listen to your body and rest (i'am obviously better at giving than taking advice!!! ) I am sure you will be back on form soon - doing panto sounds great but hard work! I am sure a break will get you back on form!

my nickname is dory as i am so forgetful.

if she speaks to you badly raise you tone (not your voice) and ask her who the hell she thinks she's talking too! your her mother, how dare she treats you like that. she's not the only 21 year old who works full time! your head of the family, your in charge while she's under your roof, make it clear she either changes her attitude or finds somewhere else to live. i get in late, sometimes midnight, i still eat properly she's just making life difficult for her, if she's unhappy in her job, then why doesn't she find another one? etc, if she wants to be fussy let her buy her own food and cook it, i do as i am going off meat. your still letting her get away with bahaviour of a teenager she's an adult.

don't let her have the upperhand, hope you get it sorted.
i do have a crazy work life at the moment, just exhausted.

anyway hope your doing okay.

judi24

Thanks Greensalad and Dory for sharing your experiences - It really helps to get a young persons opinion and sometimes I think its me being unreasonable!! Anyway decided to not dwell on it too much and over Christmas will have a chat with all of the kids about what I expect and how they can help at home - that way she can see I am not singling her out


Feeling eugh tonight - I hope I am not coming down with something - I really can't get sick - I have so much still to do!


Finished cleaning the oven tonight - It was disgusting!!! I will try not to leave it that long again! so tomorrow night is baking night to make some goodies for DD3 to take to school for the teachers on Friday!


Work is busy - lots to do but its really hard over Christmas as I can't organise meetings with the right people as someone is always off! People think I don't like Christmas - I do! But just wish 1 day wouldn't disrupt everything for weeks!!! BAH HUMBUG! there I've said it!!!


On a money side I had to pay £1.70 on a sandwich at lunch - I took left overs with me but one meeting ran late and I need to travel to the next meeting so didn't have time to heat my curry up! Frustrating as I was organised or so I thought!!! No spends planned for tomorrow - supposed to be going to a friends brand name underwear party tomorrow - but a) I don't want to spend stupid amounts of money on underwear that no one will see! b) I don't have a baby sitter!!! c) I need to bake for school and d) I feel yeugh!!!!


I also need to sit down and reconcile my bank account and YNAB as it has been a spendy few weeks and I am lagging behind! I get paid on Friday and need to be clear as to what I can pay off my debts! I like that part of the month! Love seeing my debt totals going down!

dorothyjeffery

so sorry your daughter is being disrespectful.

she needs to understand that it is YOU who is keeping the roof over everyones head. your house, your rules!!!!! and if she doesnt like it, then go and live somewhere else. see how she manages then.

please dont let her keep getting away with stuff, its most unfair when you are working your bits off all the time.

tell her!! and dont care if she gets arsey about it. thats why she does it, because she knows you will back down. she is an adult???? then prove it.

and the more you let her get away with all this, the more she will do it. she knows exactly what she is doing.

judi24

Thanks Dorothy - I know I need to toughen up a bit with her and probably all of them!) I guess I sometimes get so bogged down that it's easier to do things myself than wait for her to do things in her own sweet time! She says I expect her to do things instantly and not give her time to do things when she wants! (which I probably do!) I guess I am always so busy that if things are not done when I need them done - I will just do them myself - I might be my own worst enemy!!!


On another note NSD today!!! not had many this month - so quite happy with that - made a batch of Christmas biscuits which DD3 decorated for her teachers for end of term - so no money spent on teachers gifts!


Still feeling under the weather - coughing well - which is a nightmare as I woke myself up at 4.30 am and didn't get back to sleep - I kept thinking about someone I know from my course who was saying that she was not having anything at all for Christmas for her and her daughter as she had literally no money- she has a reasonable job but must have a fair bit of debt from what she was saying and it made me realise how much worse it could be! I am not sure if it is the right thing to do or whether she would be offended but I feel I should try to help her in some way! Is this a crazy way to think? I really felt sorry for her!

beanielou

Could you maybe put a wee hamper together for her?

greensalad

I would either ask her first or give something anonymously. If she isn't getting anything for her kids she might not want her kids knowing that someone else has had to buy things. Perhaps you could drop a nice hamper on her house steps if you know where she lives with a note from Santa

dorothyjeffery

maybe she needs to be told that things need doing when they need doing. its not that you want them done instantly, just because...you are asking her do do them because, yes, they need doing now because you havent had time to do whatever it is. so yes, it needs doing now!!!!!!! or you dont get any food, because ive got to do THAT instead.

perhaps you might like to think about applying her attitude when its time to cook the dinner, or change the beds, or do the washing.