Money Moral Dilemma: Should I offer to pay for my bridesmaid dress?

gloriouslyhappy

If the bride wants the attendants to wear something specific, then she should probably pay for it. But everyone's different, so best to sit down and talk it through, is this something you'd wear again, for example , in which case, you might either pay or at least contribute. But as I said, a chat is indicated..

CoconutJay

Oh man... this 'who pays for the dress' thing has pretty much ruined a friendship for me in the past.

I was the only bridesmaid for a very good friend of mine a couple of years back.
She asked me what kind of dress I wanted and gave me guidlines on the colour schemes etc.
Then she suggested a shopping day to look for dresses. All good so far.
She took me to bridal shops where I tried on a number of Dessy dresses and eventually picked one that we both loved.

Then, out of the blue I got a text from her saying it would cost £250 for the dress and I needed to put a 50% deposit down by the end of the week.
At no point had she told me she expected me to pay for the dress.
At that point in my life I was currently going through redundancy and didn't know if I'd be able to afford food let alone a £250 dress!!
Anyway, she got mega bridezilla over it and was extremely insensitive to my position.
She also insinuated that if I don't buy a dress to wear then I can't be part of the wedding party... talk about valuing a dress over a friendship!!

She maintained that as I could 'choose' what I wanted then I had to pay for it.
My argument was that she should have made everything crystal clear from the start and asked me what kind of budget I had to pay for the dress.

We eventually sorted it out (I borrowed a Coast dress from a friend in the end) but the friendship has never been the same since. In fact we barely talk to each other now.

My advice from all of this?

1) If you wish for the bridesmaid to buy her own dress, make it 100% clear from the very beginning and give the girls the option of declining the offer of being bridesmaid if they're struggling financially. Be VERY sensitive to financial positions.
2) Make the 'rules' surrounding what kind of dress they should have quite loose so they can choose something suitable and something they could wear again.
3) Let the bridesmaid set their own budget and then you can both look for dresses within that price-range
4) NEVER assume that someone will be ok paying for something just because its your wedding. It's your special day- not theirs so don't expect the same level of input.
5) Ask yourself what's more important. Having a good friend by your side on your special day? Or, that everyone is in matching/coordinated dresses no matter what the emotional cost?

Don't make the same mistakes as my friend did and learn the hard way!

lilychapman

Years back, when I was a student my good school friend asked me to be one of her bridesmaids. This involved paying for the fabric for the dress, new shoes, headdress and hairdo. I also has to travel from one end of the country to another and miss one day of college which in those days was exceptional. I couldn't afford it in truth and told her so in the nicest possible way. Sadly that was the end of our friendship.
I would weigh up how important she is to you.

guardiangirl

I am really suprised to see people saying they've never heard of the Bride (or parents / groom etc) paying for Bridesmaids dresses!

I've been bridesmaid 4 times and never paid for my own dress.

I do definltey think it is more acceptable in this day and age for bridesmaids to pay or contribute, and I know my bridesmaid for my wedding next year offered to pay (I refused) but I would 100% say the old tradition is that bridesmaids don't pay for their own dresses.

Don't get me wrong, I don't judge it if that happens or think it's wrong at all.

suchgreatheights

Pretty much accepted that bride & groom should pay for bridesmaids' dresses / groomsmen's suit hire. Either that or let people wear whatever they have already.

It is their wedding and if they can't afford it, they should cut back on other things, not off-load costs on to their guests.

If it is a travel-to destination, accommodation should also be paid for.

shoeaddict2310

The rule is: bridesmaids pay for the dress if they get to choose the dress... bride/groom pays for the bridesmaid dress if they are the ones picking it... ( ALWAYS MAKE SURE EVERYONE IS 100% SURE OF WHO IS EXPECTED TO PAY. THERE'S A REASON YOU WANT THAT PERSON AS A BRIDESMAID TRY AND REMEMBER THAT..AT THE END OF THE DAY WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT.. I'M GUESSING ITS NOT A DRESS.)

cazziebo

pippinpuss wrote: »

It has always been wedding etiquette for the bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. Never known a bride to pay for them.
As the bridesmaid get to keep the dress it's only right.
.

Been on this earth for over a half century and never known a bridesmaid to pay for her own dress. Not wedding etiquette where I'm from! I find the notion that someone should pay to be part of a wedding party quite bizarre - especially when the demands are getting increasingly nonsensical!

The bridesmaid might get to keep the dress, but what use is it? Very few styles these days are of the type you would ever wear again.

If the bride can't afford it, then she should tone it down.

takman

If I was asked to be part of a wedding and they expected me to pay for clothes I would say "definetly not its your wedding and you pay for because your the one who is getting married". If they found this offensive then they arnt the kind of friend I want anyway.

meknowalot-51

tallgirld wrote: »

I would ask her how much if anything will it cost? If she's your best friend I doubt she will mind you asking.

I was a bridesmaid once and had to pay for my own dress, shoes the lot! What made it worse is I was only asked to be one because the FIRST CHOICE dropped out!!! The cheek of it!!

All girls dream about being a bride or bridesmaid and it appears will take part at any cost.It seems that the bride and groom are out to save as much as possible,they should pay for everything.
The dilema says she has been asked to be "a" bridesmaid,so firstly you need to talk to the others to find out what's involved.Who chooses the style,colour and your biggest issue the finance.If your not happy then you should talk to the bride and politely decline the offer.Remember you don't have to do something your not totally happy with.
When we got married,second time round,the wife chose the dresses,shoes,bags with the two bridesmaids.We didn't even consider asking them to pay,all costs were down to us.I remember they went off shopping one day in february and in august came back with all their dresses shoes the lot.As for me i phoned my best man and told him to wear a suit and tie plus his wife can wear a hat,two minutes flat.Then after what is considered by many to be the most important part of any wedding,the speech,we presented all three with a gift for thanking them for being part of our big day.So much better than a receipt.As for Tallgirl,i think you was mugged.

ninjablossom

Agreed with the others if its a big massive wedding and the Bride wants all bridesmaids the same and is making them wear her choice - bride/groom should pay. Give the bridal party a choice and then they pay.

But saying that... when you're invited to a wedding as a guest it becomes a costly affair anyway. Through buying a present, travel costs, drink. Plus I've been to 4 weddings in the last 4 years and 2 have already split up, so most weddings just seem like a party to show off. (Pretty sure my parents generation went for simple but small white weddings and a church hall reception, and still remained married for years - so when did massive expensive do's become the norm?)

The big wedding traditions should be done away with