Can you invite one and not the other?

AubreyMac

ska_lover wrote: »

Bit tricky - Inviting one half of a couple is a bit like playing favourites and bound to put someone's nose out of joint.

OP, this sounds like a (mainly) family BBQ - am I right? You say you are helping a relative to organise the BBQ for her husbands birthday. If it IS family that are mainly to be invited, be careful. I say this as you state that your brother in law doesn't ever get invited anywhere

Clearly other members of your family are ''in on'' this social exclusion of your brother in law as he gets ''invited no where'' as he isn't liked within the family. If you don't invite certain family members, they may draw the same conclusion and think they are now the black sheep

Obviously I don't know the ins and outs or why you all dislike the man, but I think it is a shame that you cannot all at least try with the brother in law, because the very fact that her husband does not get included in your family 'do's' must put your sister under a lot of pressure. He is her choice of husband - no one elses. I must say if for some reason my family decided they were not going to invite my husband to gatherings I wouldn't even contemplate attending - as he is 'family' - your sisters.

My brother in law is obnoxious & has been abusive to my sister. The last family function he came to he humiliated my sister by putting her down & calling her names in front of other relatives then just tried to laugh it off when someone intervened.

My sis however has low self esteem, low confidence and therefore low expectations. He knows this which is why he does it as she lets him get away with it.

My sis seems happy that they do their own separate thing and if she had to go to his relatives functions she'd probably see it as a chore & vice versa.

Anatidaephobia

Other than points already mentioned by other posters, I think an important issue is whether or not a precedent has already been set.

As a general rule, I would always say that you shouldn't split couples.

However, saying that, I do have friends where we usually don't invite their partner because a precedent has been set that their partner never comes to any night out, event, function etc - and it's always a precedent that they (either our friend or their partner, or perhaps a joint decision) have set themselves and we just go along with it. If they made it known that they wanted to start bringing their partner along, that wouldn't be a problem - we wouldn't know their partner very well but we would still welcome them.

In terms of family, my family is very inclusive and everybody would expect to be invited, whereas other posters have all described their own family's way of doing it, some mentioning specific family members who are never included and that's usually seen as okay because a precedent has been set that this is the way we do things. So, if you're helping a friend arrange their guest list, your friend's opinion is the only thing that really matters because she is the one who knows her family, who knows how they normally operate for functions like this, and who knows who will/won't be offended if they are excluded.

FBaby

In the end, it all comes down to whether people will come if their other halves are not invited and whether the situation could back fire with almost no one being there.

Kim_kim

Person_one wrote: »

Not really very nice to invite people to social events without their partners.

Unless it's a single sex thing, or a special interest thing for a specific group, it's really only polite to invite both. If you don't know them well, now's your chance to change that!

I was invited to an evening wedding reception, a very simple do in a local hall nothing fancy on my own. About half a dozen workmates were invited to the evening only without partners, I thought that was odd.

Luella-14_2

Kim_kim wrote: »

I was invited to an evening wedding reception, a very simple do in a local hall nothing fancy on my own. About half a dozen workmates were invited to the evening only without partners, I thought that was odd.

I don't find that odd, the workmates all know each other, presumably the partners don't. Weddings are usually limited numbers so it makes sense to invite those who the couple know.
In the OP's case, an informal family bbq, I think it's rude not to invite partners.

marisco_2

AubreyMac wrote: »

I'm helping a relative organise a BBQ for her husbands birthday.

When making a list of who to invite, she reckons if one person gets invited then their partner has to be invited too.

I am all for not living in each others pockets and maintaining a level of independence in a relationship. Of course there are social occassions a person would happily attend without their partner. However this isn't one of those to my mind. Have to say I agree with your friend. I think most people would decline an invitation to this kind of event if their partner was left off the invite.

aileth

The only time one of us has been invited without the other is my husband getting invited to his friend's BBQs and what not, me and said friend cannot stand each other, so I really was actually happy not to be invited.

maman

AubreyMac wrote: »

My brother in law is obnoxious & has been abusive to my sister. The last family function he came to he humiliated my sister by putting her down & calling her names in front of other relatives then just tried to laugh it off when someone intervened.

My sis however has low self esteem, low confidence and therefore low expectations. He knows this which is why he does it as she lets him get away with it.

My sis seems happy that they do their own separate thing and if she had to go to his relatives functions she'd probably see it as a chore & vice versa.

I guessed that there was more to it than 'do we have to always invite partners'.


It would seem there's a specific reason for not inviting this brother in law. He's shown he can't behave at a social occasion and you don't want to risk him doing it again. That's fair enough. You choose who to invite. I think the posters (me included) who've said invite couples aren't thinking of one half being someone you've fallen out with and don't want to see.


I can see how the grandson's mother feels but I don't agree they come as a package. In splitting from the father she's split from the family. I suppose it depends on how acrimonious the split was. If the child's dad doesn't mind her being there that's fine but it's his family after all so surely he's first in the pecking order for being invited. Otherwise your sister will have to socialise with her grandson and his mother on other occasions.

jackyann

Seems like your relative knows what is the normal etiquette in her & her husband's circle.
That means she has to make some choices about who to leave out, and best to speak to them to explain it.

However, I have extended the capacity of a backyard BBQ by these means (which may not suit you)
1. Have it going on for a good while. Tell guests there will be 2 servings of BBQ - say 1pm & 4pm for example, with drinks & general food in between.
2. Ask neighbours if they can allow parking on their drives (most are OK for such an occasion) or I asked someone who allowed parking on a piece of land she owned (I gave a donation to her favourite charity) and other relatives did a shuttle.

Hope you can sort it out.

TBagpuss

The normal etiquette rule is that you don't split up a social unit, so if you are inviting one half of a couple, you invite both. Exception is where the event is specific to a particular group, so if you are inviting the members of your bookclub, units OK to invite them, and not their other halves.

it would normally be considered rude to invite half of a couple to an event like a wedding, except possibly where you only know them in a specific capacity which doesn't include their other half (e.g. if you want to invite your bookclub members to your wedding, or if you invite you co-workers but don't know them outside work.)

Obviously there are situations where groups or families may develop different 'rules' as to what is normal.

I think unless your friend is very sure that her friends and family would be OK with this then then it would be better to stick to the normal rule and invite both halves of a couple.