Its OK I know I'm odd

Sazzie23

The semi ex Oh, I really like that as a term, it was a real struggle when he was in hospital and the nurses would say 'who are you' and I'd say I'm his partner or ex partner or something, but he lives with me' I think semi ex OH would have sounded much nicer.

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read and post. I probably am being tough on myself, but I don't know what else to do, my only other option seems to be lie down and give up. It might sound like I'm getting on ok but in reality the house is a mess, I'm frightened of being completely skint and I am in significant pain 30% of the time, and moderate pain about 50%. It does take my mind off the emotional stuff though, and I am grateful when it's a manageable pain day.

I did manage to fit my now tv box upstairs as watching tv in bed is less painful than the sofa, and I'm grateful I was able to afford that. I did mow the lawn, although the edging will be a bit more awkward, I can do it, just a hit at a time. I prefer to see the lawn (it's a bit of grass really) mowed, it makes me feel better for some reason.

Am trying to use up stuff I wouldn't usually buy for myself, like roast dinner ready meals, and Mars bars left over from OH. It'll help the budget and adds a bit of variety to my meals. Gave away the rice out and custard as I don't eat it. Tried making rice crispie cakes with left over cereal but tasted a bit odd. Need to make a jelly as I miss the jellies we used to have. If we had a row, the worse it was the more layers of jelly would appear the next day, or favorite was orange on the bottom, lime and oranges in the middle and lemon on top. . It pains me that I should have realised how much he was struggling when he stopped making fruit jellies. Sometimes I don't know if I cry because I miss him, because I failed him, or because I am sorry for myself. Maybe it's all 3.

Gotta sleep, tomorrow's a work day.

in_need_of_direction

By all means cry but not because you failed him. Even without the relationship issues you had, it's tough looking after someone so ill. You did the best you could and that's more than could have been expected given the circs.

Sazzie23

So it's a while since I've been on here, a few things have cropped up that I would have liked to post, but I'm always bothered that they would identify me and I don't necessarily want everyone to know my financial position.

Not that I pretend I'm well off, I don't, but I wouldn't like everyone to know what a struggle I'm having.

So what made me post today, well one question I get asked a lot is 'how are you?' I think people are genuinely asking which is kind and I usually answer with 'well I think I'm OK thanks'. And on one level I am, but what I've realised is that while my top sort of visible level is coping, I get up, I go to work, I do my shopping, wash my clothes etc, I have this underneath level which is struggling, it does mad things, like yesterday I took two lots of sandwiches to work - a little thing but in 30 years I've never done that. It means my mindful self is working, but the automatic stuff, things you shouldn't have to think about don't seem to be functioning normally. I find this a bit scary, I guess it's why they say not to make big decisions in the months aft bereavement as you can't be sure your thought processes are what would be normal for you.

So where do I go from here, I'm not sure exactly - make sur ei take extra care at work - it's important to be accurate in my job - try to keep a rein on finances - and keep plodding on.

Bobarella

Take care of yourself Sazzie.. It must be very hard to adjust to life after such a huge change taking place..

Sazzie23

It's a while since I posted, but I have been sorting a few things.

I finally plucked up the courage to call VM and get them to transfer the account to my name, it didn't go as smoothly as I might have liked as at first I was hoping to cancel and then I realised I need the phone connection for my burglar alarm. The alarm is a luxury I know but I'd feel very insecure without it. If I'm keeping the opine line, I may as well have the rest of the package as I wouldn't cope without decent broadband.

They did give me a better deal, and one of those new fangaled boxes for nothing, so it was ok really, and saving a few quid here and there will help a bit.

Been trying to sell some odds and sods on FB but not had any interest. Maybe I'll car boot, but again, it scares me a bit. I wonder if I'm getting agoraphobic or something, hits it only when I have things to do that I don't want, e.g I'm happy to go to work or shopping if it's for the guinea pigs, but to go and buy a present for one of the relatives of the semi-ex OH makes me want to go back to bed!

So spent most of the day in bed, which is not really useful, but it is cheap and doesn't compromise my financial situation. It also makes me use up stuff. I made a chicken risotto, but it was a bit dry, so I mixed the left overs with leek and potato soup which was left in cupboard since he passed. It tasted pretty good too, but bulked it out, so I have to eat. It again tomorrow!

One of my friends a very close one, seemed very cross with me about something that happened and didn't get in touch on my birthday at all, which was hurtful, and I was getting really upset and anxty about it. I searched what to do on the net and found a site that suggested what I needed to do was forgive the person for hurting me, even though they didn't forgive me. So I prayed to God for help in forgiving the friend, and the same day she text me to say she had good news, so hopefully the ice is broken. Not sure I want to raise the issue I upset her about, don't think either of us dealt with it well, my excuse was lack of focus after bereavement, but perhaps it was such a bad thing I did it shouldn't be an excuse.

So money, where am I, well I didn't get my work increment because I can't face the person who should my appraisal. She has a good heart but is always in my face about something and I just don't deal with conflict at the moment. I probably never have but at the moment I would just go to pieces or worse. I have managed to go back to some out of hours work, if I work 9 out of hours shifts a month (not extra just unsocial I should cover by bills enough to start putting something back in the emergency fund which is GONE.
I need to buy a new gas fire as this one does not work and would not be safe to turn back on, I'm hoping I might be able to get the money together by Christmas, but. Depends on the fitting costs etc.
I also have the car mot due which is a bit scary as I think garages have a tendency to rip off weaker folk like me, I'm thinking of trying the council moT station as recommend in MSE somewhere.

I have some plans of what I'd like to do in the house, since I can do as I please now, but it's very weird, I've never lived on my own own, although he had moved out for a few months he was never really away.
And as I'm awake writing this, it probably indicates my sleep is messed up again, bit that's probably because we have work stress, and I feel like I can't deal with it. In the past I would have shared it with the semi-ex, now I feel like I can't deal with it on my own and I miss him horribly. I still have moments where I think I'm going to wake up for a dream and it won't be true, but these moments are rarer now.

So that's where I'm at, sort of half progressing and half running away but with home my hiding place.

in_need_of_direction

Good to see you back.

Sazzie23

in_need_of_direction wrote: »

Good to see you back.

Do you know that's one of the nicest things anyone has said to me lately, not that anyone says anything bad but I've been feeling like no one would notice if I was here or not, that fact someone gave enough of a toss to actual say so is lovely, thank you.

Moneywhizz

I only recently read your diary and It is indeed good to see you back on the board. Hoping that things improve for you in many areas of your life. X

Sazzie23

Slight diary cheat as this is mainly copied from my DMP post.

Like Puzz my car is 12 years and I expect to be on DMP for at least 8 more years.....

Thinking of going to one of these MOT only places so they have no inclination to try to sell me stuff, on the other hand the guy at the garage we used previously always got the car thru the MOT and never charged more than £250 including a service, so ....., I'd welcome any advice on this.

(Not that I have £250) can't seem to keep to budget at the moment, although the cupboards are quite full so perhaps I can be a bit more economical this month, but it won't generate £250. I have a little in emergency savings but I need a gas fire, otherwise the house gets so cold it's unbearable or I have to have heating on a lot, neighbours moved out in the summer, making it considerably colder. Have promised myself if I can get car through MOT I will look into a gas fire. Keep looking out for old ones but the size is odd and you still need Gas-safe to fit it. Tried elec fire but doesn't seem to warm the house the same way.

Other wise I've discovered that I'm not paying me car ins monthly, I must have used savings last year to,pay for it. But I don't have that now so it will be a credit check for insurance which fills me with dread. I have other trauma too as I called the insurance when ex OH passed on, and they updated the insurance but when I hit the renewal it still said I lived with partner and was insured on another car, obviously I didn't check when they sent the updated details, but it's made me pretty sad and now I've put off sorting it out.

I was thinking of,changing gas & elec which is overdue but ex OH never liked change now it's just me and I can do as I lease but they also say it'll need a credit check, mind you if they say no, what I have I lost?

Finally for now I have the trauma of looming festive season, last year was pretty grim and I have said I want to work most of this one, whichseems to be OK and I'm thinking of trying to do some decorating on the days I'm not at work. The main trauma is that people ask if I'm seeing the ex OH family, and I'm not planning to as last time I saw them, I found out they were having anger issues, and some of the things that were said indicated seeing me didn't help, so I haven't been in touch with them since.

Whatever I do it will be wrong, not buying gifts for them will ease my budget, but then I'll be seen as being mean spirited. I though about sending small voucher gifts in the post, but then that just draws attention to me not seeing them. So I thought I'd get small gifts and if they get in touch then I'll hand them over, otherwise I'll just ignore the whole issue.

Oh and of course I'm very fortunate that lots of lovely people have invited me to spend Xmas with them, but actually when I'm working I'd rather just chill at home. being with other people involves forced cheeriness and I'd rather not.

I've made some mistakes in my job lately, fortunately not causing anything bad, but it makes me wonder if I can carry in the way I am, but I don't know what else to do. I'd love to go the doc and admit I'm not coping but I'd get signed off and I just can't afford to lose the out of hours pay. perhaps I should ask for counselling, but I feel like I probably couldn't admit to how I really feel so would it be worthwhile?

So what wil Novemebr bring I wonder?

*Robin*

Hello Sazzie, :hello:

The title of your thread caught my eye; am "odd" too.. Wish I could think of something encouraging to say right now, but m' head is full of abandoned kittens and how to avoid hurting them when I drive away - there's a story!

So can only wish you well; have subscribed and will return later..

Hope you have a good day today.